This piece was a result of my helplessness and frustration as the road was repaved and was written before Spring came and further victimized me with random killing of many more plants. My Fiona was not a year and my poor brain couldn’t take much more.
I obligingly dug the plants up and moved them to other random beds thinking how much this sucked and how angry I was. The State Highway was going to land at my doorstep any day now and update our driveway. Which meant my flower bed was about to be nuked. Progress had a price and it was this flower bed.
With such little time available to do whatever I want these days, I hate the thought of wasting my time. As I painted the woodwork in the baby’s bedroom, all I could think was how I’d need yet another coat and what the hell was I doing wasting my time on this.
Being unprepared to make the best use of the opportunity given me is inexcusable. It’s a perfectionistic thing. Don’t do it if you can’t do it right. What’s worse is when I punk out and go ahead and do something when I know it’s wrong and then end up staring at the less than desirable outcome for a long time afterwards. This ramshackle flower bed was going to upset me in the Spring.
I embody a combination of perfectionism and slap-happiness that often frustrates me. The husband wanted to make the garden demolition better for me by saying we could start anew next year. Nice try.
Now I’m watching myself as I hurry up and do stuff just like we tell our son not to do. I hate the waste of time that it takes to redo what I have done. Why do I do this?
I am officially under observation. If I attempt any project, I have to challenge myself to do better than half as well as I could. I am worth doing it to the best of my ability with forethought and purpose. Because I, and everything I set my mind to, and make effort to do, is worth it. The garden is worth it, I just haven’t gotten to it yet.
I really like the variety of topics you discuss.
This summer I’ve felt a lot of frustration towards myself over projects I feel I’ve been too tardy in completing. As though checking off the to-do list is the honourable target.
After reading your post I felt a lightbulb go on – the frustration is over the fact that the projects are not well prepared for and are heading into so-so land, and I know subconsciously they will have to be redone or will become sources of irritation.
I guess “waste not, want not” can be applied to time as well, and isn’t always about laziness.
My variety is really just the extraordinary busy-ness of my brain. I spew stuff out and then stick it somewhere to eventually come back and say, this isn’t half bad, now what. Yes, I know when I set myself up for failure ahead of time by not preparing enough. But I also know myself to be afraid of success. I’m trickier than I need to be. Why can’t we just go in and do the thing and get it done with clear intention? So much energy wasted. And remember, the frustration/irritation is always an indication of Fear. Always ask yourself so what am I afraid of?