I was feeling the bliss, the rolling high on the “Ok-ness” from the holiday downtime until yesterday when suddenly I felt myself starting to knock all the happy little hope bubbles off the 2016 shelf where I’d so carefully placed them. Exactly 2 weeks in and suddenly there’s nothing new anymore about the year?!
I’ve read New Year’s posts galore and copious word of the year choices. And there were warnings to be careful about resolutions that would fail you as opposed to themes that could guide you. Or meditation that can ground you. Or just plain awareness of your choices to feel bad as opposed to good. Someone wise said beware when the newness wears off. Glad to have that warning because I think that just happened.
Suddenly I felt the old thought patterns knocking at the door. Familiar voices calling out to me about my not enoughness. Why don’t I have a clearly defined purpose and a twelve month plan on exactly how I’m going to carry that out ? Like that woman with the shiny blog and an online creative career? Surely if I could just choose to be impassioned by something, my life would completely change and fall right into place.
So off I go to the gym hoping for inspiration and a change in thoughts. I’m on the treadmill and I recognize the familiar devaluing myself based on others cognitive distortion going on. “Comparison is the thief of joy” I chant and “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides” came to mind. Comparison to others is unfair. No I may not know my complete “Why” but as long as I stay focused on gratitude and the creative work in front of me, I am so close, in the zone.
If that involves month-long collaborative projects, great! If I feel like I need to have weekly themes, great! But I do not have to be or do anything other than what makes me soulfully happy. That’s purpose enough. That’s really all I have time for besides the mothering of a toddler and a ten-year old and the maintenance of this household. Truly I am enough for just this realm of activities.
And then a friend/acquaintance comes over and scares the heck out of me, as my earphones were mighty loud. She wanted me to know that she’d read my blog post, something I’d written. She says I write really well. And I said “Thank you” and meant it. Thank you for the reminder Universe. My shelf of little hopes remains in tact.
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I think the key to anything is knowing that whatever you feel now, whatever you do now, is just that…NOW. People can make plans and set goals and do whatever else that makes them feel better about where they think they’re going, but the truth is we only know for sure that we have THIS MOMENT. THIS day. It’s what we do TODAY that counts. Not what we think it could lead to. I’m not saying that I think goals are bad or whatever, I just fall more into the meditation/be present camp. I’m doing a meditation series now that reminds me not to be attached to outcomes, and living in a moment or feeling but knowing that it’s fleeting. That helps me when I start thinking about all the possiblilites or impossibilites or whatever. I try to just stay where I am and focus on what I can do RIGHT NOW. And I think I’m going to go meditate now. 🙂 xoxoxoxooxoxox
Mindfulness and presence as a mantra and thwarting off anxiety. Absolutely Melanie!!! Thank you for stopping and throwing this into my ring.
I love this post so much. You said it perfectly. I have been dragging the last week, okay two weeks, Hell I don’t think I had but two hours of a new year bliss. It seems with any amount of down time, my mind and body are like, oh good we get process some more of this old trauma, which of course is not what I have planned ever. I have to remind myself to repeat that mantra “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Yup, I am enough, I am doing enough, and this fallow time where things are processing on the inside and take so much energy is needed. It is making my creative soil richer.
Don’t you feel like your brain is hiccuping on the same tired old place Kira? Yes I know that I’m used to the chaos and I’m used to the perpetual replay of negative thoughts but I want to just give it a rest already ya know? Bored now, ready for a rewrite. That’s why I stopped myself so quickly. I was expecting it and then I was like no thanks, I’m tried of that story. Let’s just skip that and get to the part where I do something cool and feel proud of myself and then my esteem meter rises. Love to you!!!