How do you tell the difference between being who you are and being who you think you should be? We have been us for so long that even when it’s wrong, it feels sort of right. When I strive for goals that seem like they should be mine and then feel hollow when I achieve them, what is that? Developing this self-perspective and understanding and trust of my feelings is daunting.
I am at a precipice, a crossroads of self-development. I have a set of goals to achieve that I think I want, or that I think I should want. And in the light of all the promise and achievement, I think I should be experiencing, my life is a failure. Except, I don’t think that. And yet I do continue to think I need to do certain things to claim legitimization. So it devalues my now and makes the future better than my now?
I would like to try to accomplish all these things that I think I should so I can stop feeling like I’m being held hostage. I have proven recently that I can do many hard things. And I also know that learning what I don’t want to do is just as important as knowing what you do want to do. And discovering that what you’ve been putting of is easy is unnerving but still satisfying.
I guess the only way to tell the difference between authentic want and doing it for the shoulds is to do it all and see how it feels? I feel my hope springs eternal, my compassion rounds me out and brings me home to face myself again. I hope this year I lead myself into a place that will bring me joy and not shame. And feel proud of the risk it took to show through.
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