I notice that sometimes there are items that will sit on my to-do list for an uncomfortably long time, taunting me with their incompletion. The reasons why they are not being accomplished had evaded me. But they linger like a pain deep in my hip saying there’s something worth an x-ray going on in there. And this hallway renovation had become “one of those things”.
I recognized the hold up sometime ago when I wrote about the stalled renovations in this post titled Weird Spaces and a Plan and what I realized it meant in the bigger picture. I had yet to see myself as my future self. I was stuck in a purgatory between who I used to be and who I’d yet to decide I’d become. And so the hallway sat, halfway undecorated, dark, and a victim to whatever fell there. Until I began to decide to stand for what I am already. When I decided to be me again. And I bought this beautiful kilim rug.
I hadn’t spent any money on anything new for the house, other than appliances, in a very very long time. But I suddenly became obsessed with the idea that I wanted a kilim rug and that once I had the rug of my dreams, everything else would fall into place. True and truth.
Once the rug was in place, I felt hopeful. And then I began to plan my daughter’s birthday party. And I had to renovate something because, as we all know, parties are really just an excuse to renovate. So I scheduled the hallway painting for this week. Which meant, working backwards, I had to buy the paint beforehand. And this meant, I had to choose the paint colors. So one morning a couple weeks ago, I sat down on the rug in the sunshine and I picked out all the colors.
But it wasn’t until yesterday standing on the ladder with a roller in my hand, that it hit me. This hall was being completely transformed in one week’s time and this had taken me ten years to give myself permission to do. Yes there had been a question of how to “deal” with the bas relief diamonds I had so cleverly adhered to the walls 15 years ago. And then the other day I realized I just needed to spackle over them. Duh. So queen of the spackle bucket went and bought a $20 bucket of spackle, which seems to have gotten way heavier in ten years, and in one day the walls were ready.
We are not ready until we are ready. The lesson isn’t about time restraints or monetary resources. The lesson is about being ready and being patient until you are. I can’t say I have all the details hammered out yet. Because sometimes we need to be in process to decide and sometimes we need to live with stuff before we can make a decision. And of course, I may also need to change my mind about any of the redecoration choices I have made. The point is, you will start when you are ready and finish when you are done. And allowing that to be the truth will save you many years of judgement on yourself and others.
It is what it is until it isn’t anymore.
Here’s to having most of it completed when the birthday party happens in a month!
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Yes, times, like a thousand million jillion.