We were watching Kung Fu Panda 3 this weekend where an ancient grumpy Ox in the netherworld is stealing good guys’ chi. Essentially, he was taking what it was that made them them. An essence of a person is not only what you are and think and are good at, but also who you are supported and loved by. Who others value you to be.

Fiona and her chi and cheerios on Shalvee.com

And it got me to thinking, who stole my chi? Because I’ve been missing my view of me for a very long time. I suspect it began with some faulty mirror in my childhood. Parents who were so busy making their lives happen and keeping them from falling apart that there just wasn’t much to return back to us children concurrently. Happens to kids all the time every day everywhere.

Fiona, her chi, her cheerios, and her cat Chessie on Shalavee.com

And so I grew up just sort of flailing about, not ever really seeing me or my chi and what I could do for the world. No true passions, just subsisting. That is until my 40’s when I was faced with raising a child who I felt would also be doomed to low self-esteem and anxiety, much less some shaky non-existent chi, unless I decided to begin a journey to see me. Tweak my views and pep up the garden design of my internal landscapes. I chose to clean up what was broken, discard what no longer worked for me, and bring in the redesign crew.

The process has been fun and scary and way more satisfying than I ever thought it would be. Making new friends and trying new things is truly the best way to rediscover what you are underneath. Risking the rejection of the stuff that means the most to you and finding out that you are better for the pain.

Honestly, your chi never leaves. It is just hidden inside of you until you are brave enough to uncover it. And my journey has begun to show me that my life is intricately entwined around others and their chi. And I feel so much a part of a world that I once was disconnected with. Chi is all it’s cracked up to be.

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