I am the same weight as I was but I feel completely different about it. Used to be, if I hadn’t reached my ultimate skinny goal, a number that for a long time was probably unrealistic for my age anyway, then I was a failure. So everyday I defined my success by the number I saw on the scale. I’m not the only one who does this mental dance of Okness with their body image.
This is a very American thing. Girls are hyper aware of what the media is telling them they should look like from the beginning of puberty. And the magazine industry is making greedy fistfuls of dollars selling unrealistic body images to them to make even more revenue in make-up and diet paraphernalia. It’s a hideous business and is selling our young women down a river of self-hatred.
So when I recently lost a little weight, I was proud that I could fit into some of my clothing again. But then I slowly gained a little back. And then I had to sit with what this meant. What I discovered is that if you are not happy with where you are, it’s hard to move. When you accept where you are and that it’s up to you to move on in a fashion that’s honest that you can trust, you will move. Only acceptance, and a realistic plan, will deliver you from your circumstances.
I can be a kind and compassionate adult and if I don’t have to worry about my reliability, I can pick a time to make a change. I’m in charge of my body. And it’s OK just the way it is until I choose to change it and the time and fashion to do so. Having faith in my accountability has really been the cause for change.
So when I went clothes shopping today, I did a wonderful job of picking the exact clothes that will look good on me. Because I’m highly aware of what I am shaped like and how I want to look to feel good about myself. It’s not about the number, it’s about the body image. And about being me right where I am now.
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