It occurred to me as I was tossing my second load of laundry into the dryer today that I had made a significant shift from if to when. Having stayed on the blog, on writing, on the path to a future in writing that I dared not whisper intentions for, I had finally journeyed through a door. I had claimed just enough of who I was and what I do to start thinking about my when.
Which when am I speaking of? When I get an article or my book published perhaps. When I’ll speak at my first conference. When I’ll feel the righteousness of my purpose rock me to the soles of my boots and bring me more purpose. The faith will come if you stay in view of where it comes from. The fountainhead is continuous honest work. Integrity and openness run that portal’s opening. And I am not questioning the methods. I’m just awaiting the signs of the shift. And thinking I may already be standing in it.
I had another flash the other night as I was giving Fiona a bath. Suddenly I heard the word “SUBMIT” . And I let out a laugh because my dear friend had put this action back on my plate at a recent lunch. She said please please submit your work. It needs publishing. It’s every bit as good as everyone else out there. And I agreed. My accountability is now in place. And as I’ve been able to toy with the if/when for myself, so many good excuses for not making that effort again, I have now promised my friend.
So the loud “SUBMIT” was also me telling myself to give over to the process and shove the fear out of the way. Or submit to the fear and do it anyway. Either way, it’s a concession, an acceptance that the wall remains and can not be wished away so I need to work around it. It smacks of some true effort and yet I must submit, both to the difficulty and to the publications.
My husband and I joke that the hardest part about making the decision is making the decision. Decision making processes are laborious silly things that look something like this.
The turning can take time. And yet I am sure if you do not submit to being where you are now, you will be doomed to stay right where you are the rest of your days. So I’ve laid off the extra shots of judgement and replacing them with compassion in the hope that this is how I will move on to the next inevitable place. That place I’m already feeling the “When” of.
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