I am a proud graduate of the Low-Self Esteem For Girls School. In a decade I’ve come from sucky to ducky. While I’m constantly aware that I still have a long way to go, I can feel and see where I have been. It was a lonely anxious place. A sort of emotional black hole from which one is fairly certain there’s no escape and you don’t deserve to anyway. That’s the continuous sucking vortex that is low self-esteem.
I saw this woman once. I can’t remember where it was but I feel like I was in my 20’s. She had an aura around her and she was the embodiment of “happy with herself”. I was transfixed. She wasn’t skinny or beautiful. She was in her thirties and maybe blond. All I remember is her flowy white linen pants. They seemed the ultimate in comfortable as she was within herself.
I knew there was the possibility of more. I was angry that everyone acted like there wasn’t. More confidence, more happiness, less stress. Because I won’t create it unless I believe it exists.
As I’ve said before, I was invisible to myself. New relationships could be really hard to make because you don’t see what they see in you. You’re suspicious of people’s motivations. If you liked my sense of humor or artistic talent or something about me but I didn’t see that in me then I’m looking at you like what do you want from me? Which then gives the potential new friend a weird vibe that feels unwelcoming and paranoid. Because it is. And then he/she may decide that I am more trouble than I’m worth and Adios, see ya’ later, you ain’t worth all of that. And then I’m alone again saying, see I knew you weren’t the person you said you were.
People are weird. Such a miss-mash of idealism and perfectionistic extremes and rules and rituals. Our heads are Gordan’s knots of shoulds, coulds, and wishes for what we are unwilling to make happen. And the only thing that can save us is ourselves. I have adjusted my vision to my day today. To do what I can and not focus on what I can’t. I have gradually built a faith in my own abilities. It’s called self-efficacy. So that now creativity is like collaborative play with an old friend. And I am making sure to acknowledge these creative achievements and continue to push myself just outside of the known. And making friends online is an amazing empowering and trans-formative act that I wish I’d discovered sooner.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for being here, subscribing to my writing ( I hit 79!), and telling me the truths that you tell. You have restored a formerly cynical scared hermit into a dancing queen. And that doesn’t suck.
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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.
6 Comments
It’s been so encouraging to read your words on self esteem and creativity. I love seeing in print the topic of ‘giving weird vibes to potential friends’ because of “how can you like me if I don’t like me?” It really IS a knot of loop-back. So thank you! I don’t know how you write such polished pieces three times a week, along with wonderful photos, but I know my Inbox sure is a happy place these days. I love seeing Raggedy Ann again too!
Ducky cheers,
Dawn
Thanks bunches Dawn. This stuff really matters a lot to me. And I write and share this because I hope it will give someone else an AHA. I write because it’s good for me. As for the polish of the writing, if I sit and cough up a bunch of thoughts and then come back and edit once or twice, it’s good enough for here.
And the pictures? I’m compelled to take them so I might as well use them and I also get an excuse to go on photo hunts. I was so nervous about using all of my own pictures and I needn’t have been. Formatting them is the real pain.
So very glad you’re enjoying it because it makes a difference to me hearing that.
Love,
Shalagh
I like you. You teach me things and you’ve given me a gift that is helping me be strong right now. I am grateful to you.
WOW. You are so welcome Ms. Jill. Your gratitude is my pleasure hon.
Love,
Shalagh
Bravo! I appreciate the truths you tell as well. We are always our own worst enemies and if we can just get out of our own way, all the magic can happen. I hope your journey is ever more expansive. xo
Hallelujah to that Sister Suzonne. Getting out of my own way and then stepping back to see where it is I’m going and what I’m bringing. I’m loving the ever more expansive journey. My actual Dreams these days seem to hint at being taken more seriously by people I want to be respected by. It’s a image graduation of a sort.
Love hearing from you.
Shalagh