I admittedly had a tough first month of Summer. And if you read the intro to yesterday’s post, you’ll understand that this is a recent self-doubt storm unfolding.
When I took a harder look at what caused this, I’d say it was the result of a pretty bad should storm. My own inhumanity to myself was the cause. One where no matter how hard I’d work or diet or do, I wasn’t going to be good enough. I was defeated and thrashing and depleted. And I’d say I was a victim of my own complete lack of compassion.
I’d never have thought myself a heartless or mean person. I am kind and supportive to anyone who I can see is confused or in pain. But somehow it seems, I cannot afford myself the same compassion. And without that compassion, I end up just being a bully. Because that’s how that works.
I was aghast at thought that I was bullying myself. Yes, Self-bullying. I’m not a bully-er. But what else is a person who constantly berates another for being fat and fearful? Who, despite apparent disadvantages, expects more than they can possibly do. Who asks to be pleased and performed for and for complete compliance. You call them a bully.
So, I have pulled back on the expectations. I am taking some industrial strength self-care of myself. And I am gently asking what else I can do to serve her needs for happiness. I am ignoring what the scale says and instead donning clothing that fits who I am now and makes me feel good about her. I am pledging that, to the very best of my ability, I will stop bullying myself. I will stop spending that wasted energy on negativity and start choosing to nurture and protect the very noble and authentic parts of myself that need to shine instead.
Anything here ring true for you?
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2 Comments
I was just chastening myself for not having done “enough” so far, on the first few days of my writing retreat — seeing this, I reminded myself of how much I’ve actually done, and how it doesn’t matter if I didn’t do anything at all, in fact. Joy = life minus shoulds and not enoughs. Thank you.
My husband wisely says, if you’re not having any fun, you’re not doing g it right. I wonder if we allowed for things to just unfold, we wouldn’t get so much more joy and things “done”.