I felt like I was making great strides in growing myself last year, 2018. I was feeling more sure of what my creativity was giving me both personally and perhaps professionally. I offered up a Wholehearted Living piece to a writer friend’s blog. And I started to create my own theory on the inverse relationship of creativity and anxiety. I felt a rhythm was coming.
And then I suffered an anxiety setback that set me reeling. I abandoned my aspirations and hunkered down to ride out the storm. And I took myself to the doctor’s and asked for medicinal help. Because pain is your body telling you that it needs help.
Why had I waited so long, I asked the doctor. He said “Stigma”. I had made it my goal trying to prove that anxiety can be conquered by therapy and creativity. And I was admitting I was wrong. I felt defeated and yet, once I had the medication cooking, I felt the hope of perhaps finally moving from a stuck place. And 9 months later, I was right. I have grieved my ego loss and moved on to what was beyond. Possibilities don’t feel like burdens of tasks I’m unable to do but rather hopes for a fun future.
Last year taught me that you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You have to ask for help and sometimes, give up and do something different. And you are the only one who can make the best decisions for you. Even if those decisions are hard to make. Because I think the hardest part of making a decision is making the decision. After that it’s just following through and seeing what happens next.
My wish for 2018 for myself was for perspective, safety, joy, inspiration, value, chances, strength, hope, and comfort. And “to live within my creative zone often enough to keep me joyful, true to myself, and to be able to appreciate this action and the interaction with my fellow people who know the truth of me.” I’d say that I fulfilled most of those intentions and then some last year. I feel creatively satiated and held by a growing community and I am trusting that I will take care of me in the coming years.
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