I stumbled recently over a pile of shoulds I was continually building and causing me terrible anxiety. I stopped where I was and shut down all channels of chatter and listened. I knew that the only voice I would trust was the voice of the want. The intentional intuitive voice of my innermost self speaking my truth. Because I was selling her down the river with my shoulds, I’d become a tragic heroine directing and starring in my very own tragedy.
My new motto was “do what makes me happy” because, as my husband says, “If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right”. If the thing that I really want is slightly scary, at least a noble scary zone. I’ll be better off facing that fear of the opportunity that I’ve created than one of a path I think I should go. Can’t get that wasted time back. I want to impress me not you.
And then the funniest idea hit me the other day. All the drama of my life, it was self-created. If you believe that you manifest the life that you think you deserve, then you have created whatever you’ve lived for a long time. I’ve just turned 50 and I’d say a good 30 years of my life have been me writing my part as some tragic heroine. And that made me laugh.
Want to banish the bad? You gotta own your part of it. I still have a hangover that says I’ll always have less than I need. I’ll always have more scarcity and then abundance. And I started to think that if I wanted to actually have abundance instead of scarcity, I’d have to rewrite that script then, wouldn’t I.
So here’s my plan. I’m going to do some creative visualizations. See what I really want in my future and then start to make pictures and focus intent. Create mood boards which have to do with both my physical word and my psyche too. I want to be creative and confident in all realms of my life. And I want to acknowledge when I have made these choices and changes that have benefited me.
So no more tragic heroine. More wants instead of shoulds. Tune in and trust my happy. And play everyday. Be unapologetically me. And we’ll see if I don’t become the happy creative positive heroine instead.
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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.
4 Comments
This morning, I wanted to strip the beds and remake them with clean sheets and pillow cases and comforters and blankets, and I did that. I don’t care if several of them don’t match, right? Hugs.
I love this more than I can tell you Miss Scarlett. Been there, done that too, and oh the fun we’ll have on the other side of it. Love it and love you!
The joys of getting older! When we begin to feel comfortable and confident in our own skin and not feel that we have to make excuses for ‘failing’ to be a good mother, wife, friend etc when we find ourselves using the word ‘should’ less and less. It feels good..it feels damn good! Very Happy (belated) Birthday wishes to someone who is honest, funny and has a wonderful ability to put in writing exactly what most of us think and feel. Just know you through reading your blog but have to say it’s a pleasure. Hope your day was just what you wanted it to be
Wow Martina! What a lovely gift to give me for my birthday! I read your comment as I was walking into my therapist’s office and reread it to her. Because knowing that I have gifted you, someone I don’t know (yet) is the penultimate of goals.And a gift back to me. It speaks of universal truths. Thank you so much!
Love,
Shalagh