The complaint list about pregnancy was in this post. And while I am completely grateful for my sassy children (as in I’d do it all again which I just did), there’s a whole new crop of indecent and just plain annoying items to contend when maintaining a newborn.
For instance, I could make a mound of money developing a comfortable molded cart with brakes for women having an epidural procedure. While the needle’s being stuck into the spinal column, the pregnant woman is asked to contort her body, as in hunch over her humongous belly, and stay perfectly still. Try this while having contractions and leaning on a stranger. The anesthesiologist managed to stick me wrong and had to redo it.
You may not have heard but my baby got GERD, otherwise known as reflux for wee ones. Eamon took liquid Zantac. I again could make a mound ‘o money creating a baby happy flavored Zantac other than mint. Chem lab idiots. Try booby bubblegum flavor or triple nipple chip. A spoonful of sugar people.
High on my list of annoyances are the little plastic price tag attachers for new clothing. When snipped, they turn into little plastic splinters you have to painstakingly remove from both the clothing and floor or bed or couch or wherever the other piece falls. Unpacking and washing new clothing becomes dreadful and prohibitive for this one small detail.
Who thought those baby gowns were a good idea. They’re little baby potato sacks that are open at the bottom. And when you even think to move or hold the baby, they ride up lickety split and then your baby’s dangling out of a cloth inner tube. Plus the arms are so long that feeding the delicate hands and fingers of a newborn through them is scary and as annoying as the escaped drawstring on sweatpants. Except pants don’t scream and have breakable fingers. I just ended up cutting them off. The sleeves not my baby’s arms.
We new mothers tend to jump up and run to the wee ones every loving time they burble, snarfle, or grouse. I call it “Pogo Mommy” and my knees hurt as much as my boobies. While attending to her every twitch, I think I’ve probably caused the baby sleep deprivation. Well serves her right for keeping me up.
Trying to get the mother thing “right” can cause madness. Is my baby fussy because I ate dairy? Or broccoli? Or coffee? Am I talking to much about the baby because my husband’s glazed donut expression must mean I am. Baby, baby, baby.
Their little baby fingers are so sweet and lovely. And at the ends are very sharp little claws that cause excruciating pain when stabbed into a naked boob. So I had to get new reading glasses to see them to cut them. And then I still ended up snipping off the end of my baby’s fingertip while blindly clipping away. Nothing better than making your child bleed out with a pair of nail clippers.
The fact that you’ re a new mother doesn’t escape everyone. They sharply say things about how you should have a seat and enjoy and not overdue too soon. What I should have said was if they wanted to come and do my four loads of laundry and make the dinner …
But the ones that get to me the worst talk for the baby in a first person baby voice to me. They say things like, “ Mommy I’m sweepy, “ Um, the baby spent 9 months in my belly and keeps me up a lot of nights. I know she’s sweepy. And no, “hers” doesn’t need to poop.
Why would a person stop to consider whether or not it’s a good time to take a shower? I know that I need one. I smell like barf and BO and yet I stop to consider whether now’s a good time? It’s as pathetic as all the t-shirts I now own that I should never wear out in public and yet somehow still manage to.
And lastly, because the tatas are made for milking, I have to wear an absorbent pad over my nipples to soak up the overflow. Except these expensive padded discs are equipped with only one adhesive strip. So when you whip it out, the pads don’t stay in place. And the adhesive unsticks. Or ends up sticking to your nipple. I’m considering getting pantyliners and cutting them up because They’re thinner and the adhesive is stickier.
Officially, I collected up my gripes and now I’m done. I’ve complained enough. Thanks for reading my rants. And if you stopped and deleted me from your email, I’ll never know anyway. Bunnies and lollipops I now promise to you.
2 Comments
I’ve never had kids so please forgive me for laughing out loud at your rant, it’s a compliment to your sense of humour, complaints and all.
Congratulations by the way!! I really need to stop by here more often, don’t I? Wishing you lots of good, happy things, including showers and sleep, for the next few weeks/months/years 🙂
Mariana,
Even though my brain is splintered enough to give you a new name, I am flattered to have you read my stuff. Thank you and I enjoyed the humor and creativity relativity piece from you. If we inspire each other as people and mothers (you mother yourself everyday) then that is all good.Keep sharing your talent and I’ll keep sharing mine.
Love,
Shalagh