Such a search my life has been to find my form in the reflections I catch. I was invisible for so many years. And it occurred to me that we matter to our people as children and that makes us matter to ourselves. That our existence is a given and necessary to our family worlds as children to expand our confidence of purpose into the larger world. Except when that doesn’t happen.
I struggled to pretend I mattered for a very long time. I had purpose in the survival of the struggle but I did not consider my existence important to the world. I drowned in my fears and sorrows and probably didn’t have much to give anyway. My worthlessness was what I understood of my existence. The void where I should have mattered was very very raw. My mirror image was missing.
But then I had children. And realized that my attention to them was how they know they matter. And I recognized that my invisibility could only serve to teach to them the same and so I’ve struggled to be someone they see themselves in and not a shadow. I stand up to their demands and prioritize myself so that they may see what mattering means. I stay in the moment even when I’d rather be somewhere else. Because I need them to know they matter.
Had these lyrics in my head from the General Public song, A Matter of Fact from the All The Rage album released in 1984 (I was 18) .
As a Matter of Fact by General Public
Someone’s been lying in my bed
Roses to start with
But now nothing in the garden grows
It’s all the same yes
But it’s not the person I know
No no no
Roses to start with
But as a matter of fact
It’s no more than an act
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
As a matter of fact?
Matter of fact
Hopping mad it’s as simple as that
What’s the matter
What’s the matter
As a matter of fact?
Matter of fact?
It’s a matter of order
It’s a matter of class
First to get told
Are the last to get asked
Just mind your ass
When the buck gets passed
Mind over matter
As a matter of fact
It’s a matter of class
As a matter of fact
The cards are stacked
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5 Comments
I love a new month, don’t you? Your writing always inspires me.. thank you.
Dudette.
I just sent a quote from this, your very first line, to the guidance counselor at LMS and to one of the Student Services/Support employees, William Allen.
“Such a search my life has been to find my form in the reflections I catch. I was invisible for so many years. And it occurred to me that we matter to our people as children and that makes us matter to ourselves. That our existence is a given and necessary to our family worlds as children to expand our confidence of purpose into the larger world. Except when that doesn’t happen.”
Thank you for sharing this.
I am so glad that you get it. And then I reread it and I want to edit it! Always the writer.
This blog made me cry.
Beautiful.
I logged in here to get my current email on your email list, now I’m catching up!
You matter so much Michelle!