I’ve been in sort of auto-pilot mode for the past couple months. Knowing I could only handle so much, hoping the world wouldn’t hand me anymore and resenting anyone and anything that did. I was fearful of the thing that would come along and tip my precariously balanced mirage of “all good” over. I chewed my lip and kept putting one foot in front of another. I awaited the post holiday unbuttoning of the pants.
And while everyone I loved was taken care of as best I could, my own introverted creative needs for solace and thought were abandoned. Yes, I am a mother with mother duties and no I’m not resentful. It is what it is. A noble attempt to provide a chaos-free happy Christmas to the ones I love in remembrance of all those holidays I lived in chaos and misery.
I can not find fault in my recreation of holiday traditions that feel safe and joyful. And the moment I was out of obligation-land, I turned my eye in to resee who I am and what I need. And what I found was that I was still in tact, had not given up, and was ready to revisit my goals and intentions for the new year of me with a newly angled view.
See, I know I did my best. Through the month and a half of holidays and the accompanying trials and tribulations of family matters and dying appliances, I did my best. I kept putting one foot in front of another and I held it together as I produced another special event that sparkled and giggled and tasted as good as it smelled. I am proud of myself for keeping the car on the road. And the earned pride and knowledge that I am the best person to be with when the plane crashes assures me that whatever I’ve got coming up will work out better than I ever imagine.
What I decided is that it’s my perception of what will happen, based on whether I think I’m capable or not, that brings up the feelings of fear and dread. But we really don’t need to dread our own lives. Instead, I’d like to hold the view of what I’m doing with a child’s curiosity. I want to want to see what’s going to happen looking forward to what I might earn that will make me better. My anticipation of failure only serves to squash the fun. But being present and doing everything for my satisfaction first has proven an unfailing method to stay true to me.
As I sat here this morning responding to a prompt on Instagram of What I want for 2018, I came up with these words
to guide my choices this year:
Perspective ..Safety……Joy……Inspiration…..Value……Chances…..Strength…..Hope.
My feelings of my life is what I am truly living every day. So let my eyes be wide enough to see all the wonder and possibility.
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4 Comments
Wonderful post — and I’m pondering words for my new year. Thank you.
Wonderful post — and I’m pondering words for my new year. Thank you.
Another inspirational post. If I’m ever in a plane crash, I want you next to me. You are a McGiver kind of woman, as am I. The plane would never go down. We’d tie those wings back on with the dental floss we always have in our purse – just because you can fix a ton of things with dental floss.
Bahahahaha Mala! You are such a joy to me. Thank you and I agree completely!