Am trying to find my way back to me. Seems my fear of vulnerability and my Impostor Syndrome regularly derail me from my course settings and I find myself off-roading, distracted by the current tasks and scenery, and I soon forget what it was I was doing. I forget how much I’ve already accomplished. I forget myself.
This realization happened again to me this week. I am certain I have even written this blog post before. I feel like the Tom Hanks short-term memory guy character on Saturday Night Live. He kept turning around and saying to Tony Randall,”Hey, you’re Tony Randall!”. I read a few of my over 1000 blog posts and I say,”Hey, I’m a pretty good writer”. Or I hear from a reader occasionally who says they love what I write and I realize, “Hey, someone’s reading what I write.” And then I have to go grocery shopping and make dinner and I disappear again.
I do not have a big goal about where I am going with myself. I aim to stay invisible which will reduce the vulnerability. Except, I am lying to myself if I think I’ve not been riding that road for a very long time. So here I am staring at myself saying,”Now what?”.
I am in charge of my “what” every single day. I get to decide if I am going to aspire for more, stay where I am, or withdraw. That is a choice I have treated irreverently. I have acted like I have no power, like I am a victim to the Christmas and Summer seasons. Like so many things are more important than my work, my voice, and my creative impact. I am not and they aren’t.
In the anonymous programs they say that everyday is a good day to start over. It is never to late to step into your own power of choice and tell yourself and others to listen up. I think I see a bullhorn over there. Wait right here while I go pick that up.
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