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What if You Did it All Right But You Were Looking at it All Wrong

It’s not as if I don’t try. As Sara Bareilles sings in her song Armor, “You make me try, try, try, try … it’s all I ever do.” But what if the efforts you make are good, it’s just your expectations of what you can humanly accomplish are off ? What if you’re so used to never getting it right and never doing enough that you can’t see how much you’ve accomplished. You can’t see the forest for all the trees.

You know I’m talking about myself. When am I not?

I have been told many times by many wonderful people that they are amazed at how much I seem to accomplish. I have admittedly called myself the Energizer Bunny and written here that my coping mechanism is Industrious Over-focused. But what I wasn’t understanding was why their view of my accomplishments wasn’t the same theirs.

What would I give up if I acknowledged all that I do? The concept that I’m failing at life? The constant definition of me as a failure? Jeeze Louise! How is it possible to be so attached to the negative self-definition of not enough that you keep creating ways to prove it?What if You Did it All Right But You Were Looking at it All Wrong ? on Shalavee.com

Smaller goals and smaller celebrations for smaller progress. This is the way I see myself truly making progress that I can acknowledge. Because if all I have is today to live, than the acceptable celebrate-able enoughness of my efforts needs to happen today. Not “next time”. Not “when I have more time”. I need to work in a way that I can appreciate my efforts and feel proud of them in small ways.

I will continue to work hard. But instead of always dangling the carrot so that I can never reach it, perhaps I need to change it to a rutabaga. Or place it in my hand to begin with and then move on to the work. I don’t need to change my systems as much as my vision. It’s all in the way we look at it.

Change nothing and nothing changes.

Wisdom gained is only as wise as it is applied.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil

In the beginning of the year, I was doing pretty great. I was exercising regularly, losing my Christmas weight gain, writing an essay that I knew would be published, and had some routine going. And then the Pandemic happened. I didn’t implode immediately but the decline of my “self” life was inevitable.

I’ve spent a lifetime giving upon myself. It’s what I grew up with. I’m kinda not worth the effort. I then revert to taking care of others mode. It’s a pattern especially in Summer time. It’s easier to focus on all the household tasks and family needs then try to muster up the structure, time, and separation that I need to take care of me. I give up. It smacks of effort.

The result of this year with the increased pandemic induced anxiety and lack of deeper self-care, is that I’m not feeling my best. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, out of shape, and can’t seem to initiate any routines. I’ve thought about them but I’m just not worth the effort.

Even with CBD gummies and anti-depressants, there’s no quick cure for low self-esteem. That is an ingrained concept of self that is a lifetime battle. I feel like the self-system that shows my worth with organization and priorities for my time and efforts for myself is knitted with yarn. And it’s unraveling is destined. Because that’s what I’ve decided.Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil on Shalavee.com

There’s no quick cure for this. Climbing out of this hole requires conscious effort. Support and witnessing. Intention and insight. These aren’t easily come by when you’ve spent a lifetime doing the opposite. And then I think of my daughter and what she needs to have modeled for her. And as much as I want to fall in a hole, that really isn’t an option.

I need to give her ways to show up for herself when she’s scared. I need to give her these with authority and knowing. I need to model what I didn’t have modeled for me. Because that’s part of what I am here to do. My destiny as it is, was handed to me when she was born. I can not stomach the idea of her giving up on herself.

And so I begin again within the constructs of what I am living. This morning as she sleeps, I write this confession. And know it means something.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Puzzling Out My Realizations

The weather has broken finally. Usually it’s hotter than heck around this time in August. I am not complaining.

In the Spring I was taking daily walks and I have been able to return to these. Like a moving prayer, I feel all sorts of hopes and connections bubble to the surface as I walk.

Today, I put my realizations together. I was truly at my best this Spring when I was walking and writing bis juicy essays. I felt great. And I didn’t have time to fuss about this weight gain that has happened to many of us. I realized that all that stuff will take care of itself if we do what we need to do to connect ourselves to the larger source of our happiness.Puzzling Out My Realizations on Shalavee.com

Doing what makes us happy and where we express our genuine selves is what we’re here to do. And yet it does take some concerted effort to show up, do the work, and make the happy machine work. I get caught in all or nothing places. In what ifs, disaster scripts, and not enoughs.

But at the right times, I see what could be for me. How I am already the person I need to be, I just need to put the work into showing the rest of the world what I can do.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

We are all Fear Puppets, it’s Not Personal

I caught myself again being frustrated at someone for their fear. When people are afraid, which seems a constant mode these days, they make choices to protect themselves or avoid stuff that makes them feel wiggy. And this really isn’t about you. But it certainly feels like it sometimes…most of the time.

Taking it personally seems to be automatic for us. You didn’t say hi to me when we passed each other on the street so immediately I think that must mean you don’t like me. But you may not want to be seen with that extra 10 pounds you gained or truly think eye contact will make me want to talk to you and you’re in a hurry. Whatever the reason people make choices, it’s not always about us.

This pandemic has people really scared. No matter what, their fear just doesn’t understand reason. Fear keeps us discombobulated, separated, and unreasonable. So this is definitely not a good time to decide on the quality of people’s character. Fear is making us all act like nincompoops.

Instead, we need to dish out a giant dose of compassion…again and again and again. For ourselves, our neighbors, our sisters and brothers, and our friends who aren’t acting quite like themselves. Everyone shows their fear in a different way and you just may be at the wrong place at the wrong time and get hit with a blast of someone’s fear crazies. Allow it not to be about you and see if you can help them to not feel so alone.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Family Pandemic Status Update

So much has happened over the last three months. Frightened and confused into submission to stay safe and be good citizens, we found ways to entertain ourselves. We played Uno until Fiona wanted to cry every time she lost. We had Room day and a date night in the garage. We’ve had lovely walks in the woods. We ate meal after meal together.

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

 

Fiona began playing the piano, climbing tress, and learned how to ride her bike. And like every other kid that had never been home schooled, she gave me grief every time she needed to do homework. We adopted a new cat from the woods to be Fiona’s special friend. We named her Sass.

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

Eamon found new creative ways to annoy us with his stubborn teenageness. Constant struggle over his obsession with his techno devices. Staying up late talking to his girlfriend. The boy is missing all of his musical outlets and his bored out of his gourd. Except for the one chance he had to play at the Farmer’s Market. He is composing music though. And may finish reading a book. They’re both learning sign language from a close friend.

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

My husband Mark lost all of his work and applied and received for Federal aid for his business. And somehow was able to enjoy his time off from his constant overwhelm. He refers to it as his temporary retirement. He’s been busy gardening and working on our Studio/Garage space feverishly. He learned how to edit video for our fellowships sermons. And started back with bike riding and golf.

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

A Family Pandemic Status Update on Shalavee.com

I tried to stay strong for my kids but went a little batty having no any alone time to myself. I only got out for walks and grocery shopping for a long time. I’ve been forced to quit my allergy shots. And of course, still sneezing and dripping since March. I’ve continuously created art daily for 66 days. And struggling with the blog’s revamp but am keeping up with my writing in bigger exciting ways. I continue to value creativity for it’s own sake. It substantiates me, lets me feel like I’m acquainting myself with parts of me I’ve yet to know. And that is a wonderful feeling.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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