Why does it always catch me off guard when people gush about how they read what I write and are inspired? Or see my art and tell me how talented I am? It catches me off guard because I am in the practice (actually pretty good at it) of disregarding myself. Like so many others, I undervalue my talents because after all, they are just something I do. But this is an injustice I am realizing I may have to right. As now I’m stuck in a purgatory of feeling over-appreciated by some and under-appreciated by myself.
I may have to prove it to myself that I am smarter than I feel. I may have to prove it to myself that I can achieve way more than I aspire to. I may have to prove it to myself that I’m worth the effort. I may have to prove who I am…to myself. Because apparently there’s a lot I’m missing.
I need to believe that I’m the kind of person who could create a solid body of work and writings that are meaningful. That I could write a book or speak on these subjects I know are enlightening and empowering truths and I would sound knowledgeable and respect-worthy. I need to prove to myself that no matter what I put my mind to, I can and will do that to the best of my abilities.
I believe the proof is in the doing. The doing is in the permission to be vulnerable. So I ask myself,”Pretty please, can I come out of hiding from the closet where I’ve hidden thinking I’m dumb and an impostor?” I liked proving that I could plan, design, and carry out an event after I did it this March. And I really liked writing that piece on what it meant to be living wholeheartedly. Really, really. The only difference is that the next steps would just be for me with no one else to be obliged to.
So, I need to prove that I am the sort of person who can lead and govern herself. Who can put deadlines and goals in my path and rise to meet them. I need to prove who I really am to myself ; the strong, willful, and hard-working gal I have always been.
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