At the same time that I don’t want to need to ask your permission to be myself, I am feeling like I also need someone to tell me what I’m supposed to be and do. We have so much invested in what we perceive others are thinking of us. We’ll never really know what they think but boy do we all believe we’re Amazing Kreskins. Mind readers unite!
But with a public platform and a “brand”, there’s a conflict between wanting you to think of me in a certain way , and not wanting to care what you think and do my thing. I am trapped in a place between.
I’m naturally codependent so I already want you to like me. Put the added pressure around creating a “face’ and a “thing” that you will like when all I really want to do is just be me. As a person who feels she is way more than can be condensed , I’m done before I begin. What I want you to think of me just got exhausting. And now I understand why these high school girls have suffered breakdowns over their “personas”. Poor things.
Truthfully, I’m always concerned that I sound like a fake, That what I’m preaching isn’t what I’m practicing.Frankly, even when you think “I’ve got this”, and it seems like I’ve got this, I have it and the next minute, I don’t But the truth is that I tell the truth always. And for that fact, I’ll never be a fake. Just a human being with an ebb and flow of doubt.
Foot nailed to the floor, I continue to listen to everything everyone says to me as I cull my important thoughts and passionate rants into something that seems to represent me. I am looking for the me that I like to be. This will all get easier once I’ve decided which me to stand in. I just need to decide. This is all low self-esteem hangover stuff.
My kindest wish for you is my hope that you know and like yourself today and everyday.
2 Comments
Having stepped away from my own public face, I feel you. Sometimes it’s just exhausting being yourself, much less talking about it. Thanks for this post.
Oh you. You disappearing fool. You got me to love your smart allecky ways and then you “poof” disappeared on me. But I do know you know and I do so appreciate you saying something on this particular post because it’s such a mind Frack this one. I’m very busy resorting myself out to do a better job at being me online. Because either I do or I die.
Love to you and you little one.
Shalagh