My ex and I were out to prove we were unlovable. Our agendas fit. And we did a good job of proving our simultaneous lack of lovability for about 8 years.
I was persecuted by his abuse. Unworthy of his change.
He was damaged and unchangeable, unworthy of my unconditional love.
And the slow torturous tumultuous dance went around and around.
Neither one of us willing to state what we needed or claim we deserved more or be responsible for walking away. It was a game of marriage chicken.
I believe strongly,
the attention, devotion, and
presence you receive from your parents
will become
the promise and
reflection of your worth and
lovability.
I continued to believe I was unlovable beyond then into now.
A year ago, I had a dream that it was meal time and I was with my mother, sister, and husband, my family.
But my sister was distracted measuring out flour on a scale and my mother wasn’t in the room and the husband was making an omelet. I felt so aggravated. Why hadn’t anyone included me? Or was I unnecessary?
And as I thought about this dream, I felt very sad for myself.
I believed that no one’s going to be there the way I need them to be. And If I was unpurposed, I had no cause for being loved. My needs won’t be met by my loved ones as they fulfill their own. Their needs or my needs, not both. If my needs fail to be met, am I unworthy?
In my dream it seemed if no one took care of me then I was unlovable and unworthy of their care. Conditional love. Around and around. But there’s a forgotten loophole.
Love of self.
I can choose to give myself the love and attention I need.Instead of looking to others to see me and give me purpose and worth, I can see me and give my life purpose and worth. And others will join in the parade.
These days, I am making sure I’m getting truckloads of self love.
Now, instead of waiting for others to take care of my needs, I’m taking care of them. I’m scheduling my time to do this. I’m calling people to help. And I’m feeling jazzed that I can make a difference in my life and eventually hoping to make a difference in others’. No longer talking the temporary psyche out to myself which is doomed to Peter out. But living, being the change I never realized I needed.
I’m busy making a real deal self-esteem boosting cocktail.
I’m becoming a mixologist of the positivity smoothie, the one that feels good for you as you drink it.
Grab a straw.
4 Comments
You are worth it and I’ve realized that not everyone is always on the same wave length but that’s ok too. I’m glad you are finding your strength 🙂 oh and i love that skull very Georgia Okeefe.
Thank you so much Erika for you positivity. We need more of that in our lives. And yes, sometimes it takes a long time to see the habits we have that may not benefit us.
I needed to read this. I’ve been disappointed in a really rough few years of my life at the lack of support I have been given. And you are so right. If you can’t get the love and support, well, maybe it is time to start giving it to yourself.
Massage, Walks, Gym, Yoga, Art…..Much needed me time. It’s time for it.
Hold onto that tightly. The belief that you give it to you and you deserve it will try to wriggle right out of your grasp while you’re not looking. I am so very glad this was helpful to you. This was a good and hard piece to write for me. And massages are a lovely gift to yourself. That and forgiveness.
Love,
Shalagh