To Grow or Not to Grow
Hope
We celebrated Fiona’s miraculous presence in our lives with a meet the baby party yesterday. She’s two months old. I had written a poem in honor of what it is she gifts the world and those who come in contact with her supreme cuteness and innocence. It’s called Hope. I could be dulled By my daily routine. In the trenches Left boob, right boob, Change poopy, cat nap, Rinse and repeat. I forget about our need Until I look into your eyes. The most important need. The one babies fulfill. In...
read moreYour Thoughts About Me Cost Too Much
I try hard to not care what you think, really I do. But there’s an underlying understanding that I need your approval. I need to be thin enough for you. Or pretty enough. Or smart enough. And you are everyone and you are everywhere. Even when I’m alone, you are still there looking through my eyes. I want you to think I’m a really good mother. While today I might doubt I’m very good. My humanity, vulnerability, self-doubt, and need to get it right makes me easy prey for your thoughts that I am sure I can read. How doubly...
read moreThe Birds, Bees, and Kitties
I recently had to explain to my seven year-old why I was shooing the kitty away from the house and away from the girl kitty who was acting kinda funny. We were having a birds, the bees, and kitties talk in which we discussed how boy kitties have spikes on the end of their winkles to ensure their parenthood possibilities. My poor son will never be able to shake the images of that conversation. Good. He did understand there’s a biological imperative for species survival. They don’t even realize they are programmed to continue their...
read moreShoveling Stuff Off My Platter
My intention was to rid myself of all the to-do’s befuddling my mind before I had this baby. I wrote this post about the baby to do list. Not the avoidance of the to-do list that I spoke of here. But there was more going on behind the scenes than gathering baby supplies and completing house projects. I had committed to completing much more. More than I realized. The truth is mine to tell but maybe I didn’t want to tell it to myself. I’m a multifaceted girl. Not only do I have a blog, I have a big nasty house to...
read moreAnxious
This is a journal entry from the darkness of night, 3/16. Not watching any TV means I am writing more. And doing so very honestly. I couldn’t help but want to hear General Public’s Anxious. “I told myself I was much less anxious than before. But I had to admit today, I am still a little more than a little anxious. Chewing my lip until it’s raw. My nervous tell. The pediatrician reassuring me even though I didn’t ask her to. Irksome. No schedule so no expectations allowed. Except expectations want to sneak in and...
read moreHouse Arrest
It’s Sunday again and I’m missing the Walking Dead series on AMC again. When the door slams shut on that pre-parent life, one can feel a little isolated. Lost in my life without my cozy routine. My last baby had me reeling, read and remember with the Post Partum depression post. Thankfully, I have more support this time around. So many people in my life forming this amazing net that has surrounded me with well wishes beyond belief. Support network good. I have dealt with the chaos and change as best a Virgo...
read moreLife is Organic
As I began this pregnancy, I recognized a future coming in which my new baby and my blog would be sharing my attention. And I contemplated what that would mean this time around. Nearly 8 years ago, I was a first time Mom and I was freaked out, sure my personal identity would be swallowed by my new role as mother.Instead, I became a hybrid, a better me for the thresholds I had to step up to. I created this blog on a dare to myself. Conceiving this second child was also a daring trapeze act for which I am mighty grateful. And now...
read moreThe Super Duper Looper
Officially, we are three days from the due date, in case you were wondering. I have been spending my time finishing all the little tasks and do’s from my list. And I’m almost done. Avoiding some sewing but I’m not throwing anything else on there either. Makes the feeling of accomplishment more possible. At a recent Doctor’s visit, my obstetrician Dr. O’ casually asked if I was nervous to go and deliver the baby? I offered him this story. And I think he was amused. As a teenager, me and my pallies went to an amusement...
read moreRelax, Restore, and Reset
I have been dreaming of a state of total mental and especially physical relaxation. Where my muscles are molten and limp. I want to be so relaxed, I experience that shudder of absolute contentment. Because I am so far from that right now, it’s almost cruel to imagine the possibility. The surprise thumps and pokes in my belly are like someone perpetually coming up and tapping me on the shoulder. Except internally. I’m being tapped on my spleen and my lungs and whatever else that just was. Add the constant testing of a 7 year old...
read morePostpartum Depression
A couple of weeks after I gave birth to my son, my husband routinely would ask me “On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel ?” My mental state was in question and I remember standing by the garden in those first weeks and answering,”About a 4″ . And then eventually, I remember reaching a 7. And it’s even been only in the last year that I felt capable of a 10. I felt overwhelmed, incompetent, full of frustration, anger, and just plain exhausted. All symptoms of what I would soon understand was postpartum (or postnatal)...
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