He got irritated with me. And I returned the irritation. In his head, he was trying to help me. In mine, I didn’t understand what he was doing. I hadn’t asked for the help that he was aggravated I wasn’t being grateful for. Miscommunication.
He says something is wrong. Every day this week there’s been something wrong. And I think he’s telling me that it needs to be fixed by me immediately. I feel irritated because I’m exhausted from fixing his complaints. Miscommunication re-occurrence. Do I get to be aggravated at you for what I think you said or need from me? Or do you have to actually say it ?
I come from a well-practiced league of mind readers. I think we could have made some real money if we’d hooked up with a traveling band of gypsies and taken our act on the road. Because I am certain I know what you are thinking. About me, about us, about the situation we are in. I guess that keeps me ready for action? Protects me against unjust thoughts that might become unjust actions. Forewarned is forearmed.
But this “knowledge” proves to cause more problems in the longer run. Resentments get harder to trudge through, to move our relationship along. Perceived evils and ill-intents eventually muck and rut our road so badly that we can no longer traverse it. Better just to part ways and say goodbye then.
Unless I were to ask you what you thought I was saying. And then you would get to hear me say I didn’t mean it that way. Or I’m sorry you thought that and were hurt because this is what I really meant by this. Isn’t that what you wish people said to you yesterday even? Isn’t the best advice to exhibit the behavior that you want others to exhibit, especially children. Because they’re watching. And listening. And when you pass the buck and blame others, they’ll annoy you with that same blame behavior later.
I am proud to say I’m not the yelling parent I once thought I was becoming. Now I want to be the ‘own my own stuff and communicate through and over the bumps’ parent. To make the roads of living with people easier to navigate. And to feel proud of my integrity and intent. They do as I do, not as I say. And I have never had any business being in your head. Clearing out space to make better choices for me means I have to dump anything I think you’re thinking off the shelves. Either let me know how you feel or let me let go.
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7 Comments
Always here for you if you need a friend.
The part of the story you didn’t hear as to why the exhaustion and irritation was that we got hit with an infestation of fleas in our garage.Two nights in a row I was vacuuming. Hubby and I are as good as can be expected to be I think. But I’ll keep you in mind the next time I want to talk trash about him.
See Ya’ tomorrow.
Sending you hugs. I hate the miscommunication game. And fleas? GAk. (But I love the sink outside!)
Life is just so lifey sometimes. Thanks for the virtual hug. I know it was a good one.
The man with the chemicals has hopefully killed them dead. And husband and I are doing well but probably in need of a date!
Love,
Shalagh
Fleas are the absolute worst!!!!! Had a couple infestations here over the years and wanted to scream!!! And always here if you need a friend even if you don’t want or don’t need to talk some trash.
I love the raw honesty and self-awareness this blog entry reveals.
When my sons were shorter and less experienced, the gristly level of logistics- fleas, laundry, work in and out of home, food, bills, etc also inspired a level of switched-off telepathy in my marriage. it was as if we navigated in our own self-protective bubbles, steering clear of much emotional intimacy because were were generally tired, stressed and irritated. And it was so much easier to be right (and righteous) in our own minds than be vulnerable, slow down and risk a meaningful connection.
Even if it was something simple like, “I screwed up”.
There is a lot of work (and joy)in raising children, but the discipline required in minding the little darlings we often forget to apply to ourselves, to re-commit to this partner who is so different from ourselves.
“Love is a decision” – the banal platitude that actually forces us to consider the inner beauty and imperfect humanness within ourselves and our partners, and loving them anyway.
The “gypsy” in you may cause you to stumble, but it also is the source of your vibrancy and spirit. Shake the tambourine girl and dance with than man in the kitchen. 😉
Sue,
Have I told you recently how much knowing you has contributed to our lives? When I found out you were co-hosting my baby shower, as I was stood there watching you craft onesies for it, I was so flattered and wondered what I had done so well, so right to have been so blessed with two hosts and the care of so many, including YOU. You are wise, honest, and intuitive and welcome here in my comments or my house any old time dearie. Thanks a million plus one and a half.
Love,
Shalagh