My husband mentions it often. How after he threw me that surprise party, I said I would never forgive him and I’ll never be able to trust hum again. He teases me because it does seem silly. But if you saw me that day break down in overwhelmed tears, you might understand.
When I rounded that corner and everyone yelled “Surprise”, I was truly astonished that all those people liked me enough to be there. I began to bawl as I hugged each and everyone and thanked them profusely. And after the party, I sent them all thank you notes for their appearance, their efforts. But really what I was thanking them for was liking me. For loving me. Maybe it felt like more than I deserved.
I heard a song the other day on the radio and the lyrics went, “I know you can’t believe that I believe in you.” Disbelief in my worthiness is familiar. I’ve rolled around with low self-esteem for most of my life. That and a pretty good case of anxiety. This is an example of what you believe in yourself may not match up with what others are showing you. Cognitive Dissonance to a degree.
My lack of self-worth stole my joy from me that day. That’s not what I’d wish to have the outcome of a party be. To worry about everything that had come before, doubt my worthiness to be celebrated, and that I needed to pour gratitude all over everybody to make up for my unworthiness makes me sad now. I wasn’t present.
There were other surprise parties after this. One I wasn’t ready for and one I sorta was. A lady should always get a heads up to doll up for the potential photo ops. And I was more present for those. Because, guess what, it really isn’t as much about me as it is about how wonderful all these people are in my life that value me in theirs. Gratitude has brought me to a new level of living and loving, both myself and my people.
I am a rich rich woman who is apparently loved by many. And I can say I’m finally starting to see what they see. And that in turns is making my image of myself becoming clearer as well.
You are Good Enough
You are Capable
You are Important
You are Worthy
You are Loved
You are Not Alone
I’m still not a huge fan of surprise parties but I don’t think I’d have that same imploding reaction. However, my husband really will never ever try that again. So there’s a relief in that. Anyone else have a surprise party story to share?
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3 Comments
I absolutely hate surprises! Even though my husband knows this, he continues to ‘surprise’ me. They are not all bad or as humiliating as some, but still.
My biggest problem of late – is that I’m not surround by people, period. All of our family is away and we haven’t belonged to a group or church in a few years. Growing up in a small town – everybody knew everybody – now to living so far away, makes me think I’m missing something. Although, in the back of my head, I know I’ve grown so much living so far away and the relationship I have with my family is healthier than it would ever be if I were living in their backyard.
Thank you for sharing this and for being so kind!
I’m with Bethany – my online life (a life you are both a HUGE part of) is full, and rich, and flourishing, and divine…but I spent my days lone. Moving to a new city, even one where everyone has been so welcoming, has made me feel alone at times. I’ve yet to find a job, too, and that’s made it harder…so I can’t imagine I’ll be receiving a surprise party for my 30th in a month or so’s time. BUT, I’m not sure how I’d feel about it. And I’m pretty sure I’d never be able to fill a room anyway 😉 At least, not physically. Maybe I should have myself a hangout with you all online?! <3
Thank you Tori for spending the time to write this. The first three and a half years here on ye old blog were lonely too. I also get what you mean when people are all so friendly and chatting together and you feel lonelier because you aren’t a part of it. No you most likely won’t be getting a surprise party thankfully for your 30th. And why does it not surprise me that you are a LIBRA.I love me some Libra. Married one. Best friend is one. As for filling the room, you already did. And were I not to know you and feel really insecure, I’d be jealous of how well you filled that room.
Love to you and sending you something via email now,
Shalagh