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Opinions, Entitlement, and the Value of Your Voice

Opinions are like noses, we all have them. But are we entitled and allowed to have them? If I find it hard to find a voice to express them, I may not feel I’m allowed to have an opinion in the first place.

As a woman, it can prove tough not to judge myself for what I have to say as necessary or valid as I’m considering actually saying it. Then I may choose to keep quiet. I have my own internal bouncer at the thought door checking the validity, wittiness, or profundity of my outgoing thoughts and opinions. And often, they’re just not making the cut as I am weighing them against unseen sources that must be way more clever and insightful than me.Opinions, Entitlement, and the Value of Your Voice on Shalavee.com

I’d like to stop doing that. I’ve spoken about how men don’t do that. But I have no experience valuing my voice. In my life, I removed the need for the approval I would get doing for others. Now I find myself dumbly staring at my life thinking, “What do I do this or that for then?”. Oh right. It’s for myself, my happiness, and my approval. Duh.Reprogramming the people pleasing is tough going.Opinions, Entitlement, and the Value of Your Voice on Shalavee.com

Perhaps it’s slightly a matter of faking this until I begin to reap the benefits. Saying and doing what I know is right anyway even if it won’t be met with a round of applause or approval. But maybe because I need to Hear myself saying it. Hear myself having an opinion, saying what I think, and ideally modelling what it is like to not be a doormat for my daughter. Because I want her to be entitled to her opinion and she will do what I do, not what I say. Mindfulness is the only way on and out my friends.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Depleted but Alive : A Thousand Thoughts

A thousand thoughts I think every day and then they slip my mind as the day drones on. They fall into a my brain colander and then slip through the tiny holes again at the bottom, dispersed like little bits of worthless brain dust.Fiona's lap nap on Shalavee.com

I desperately want to grab at least one thought. String it together with another and make sense of something. I long daily to write it out, work it out. See it, be it. Have my separate world evolve, create, inspire, make meaning and impact.Perhaps twice a week I may have a couple of hours to possibly do this. But sometimes, there’s just no room for me.

Indiana Fiona Jones on Shalavee.com

 

The rest of the time, I’m sinking into monotonous minutes of obstinate rage. Power struggle and love. I have an anchor attached to my leg and usurping my brain. She’s beautiful and manipulative and there’s no way I’m getting any clear thinking done. Not on her watch. Muddle on my little ginger-headed gal.

I tell myself “soon” over and over. Soon there will be long thoughtful stretches. Soon she’ll be in school. Soon it won’t be Summer. Soon she won’t be sick. Soon I’ll like her again. Soon I’ll have permission again to be me.Fiona out back on Paul and Annette's on Shalavee.com

I negotiate for today with my feelings of resentment. And then I get to go to sleep and wake up and start my frustration anew tomorrow. My brain grabbing again for a moment and a moment and a moment, just one to make things all good again. Wake me when toddler-hood is over.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What I Want You To Think of Me

At the same time that I don’t want to need to ask your permission to be myself, I am feeling like I also need someone to tell me what I’m supposed to be and do. We have so much invested in what we perceive others are thinking of us. We’ll never really know what they think but boy do we all believe we’re Amazing Kreskins. Mind readers unite!

But with a public platform and a “brand”, there’s a conflict between wanting you to think of me in a certain way , and not wanting to care what you think and do my thing. I am trapped in a place between.

Fiona's fond of the Ravens flamingo on Shalavee.com

I’m naturally codependent so I already want you to like me. Put the added pressure around creating a “face’ and a “thing” that you will like when all I really want to do is just be me. As a person who feels she is way more than can be condensed , I’m done before I begin. What I want you to think of me just got exhausting. And now I understand why these high school girls have suffered breakdowns over their “personas”. Poor things. In my shadow

Truthfully, I’m always concerned that I sound like a fake, That what I’m preaching isn’t what I’m practicing.Frankly, even when you think “I’ve got this”, and it seems like I’ve got this, I have it and the next minute, I don’t  But the truth is that I tell the truth always. And for that fact, I’ll never be a fake. Just a human being with an ebb and flow of doubt.

Walking the line in the monkey shoes on Shalavee.com

Foot nailed to the floor, I continue to listen to everything everyone says to me as I cull my important thoughts and passionate rants into something that seems to represent me. I am looking for the me that I like to be. This will all get easier once I’ve decided which me to stand in. I just need to decide. This is all low self-esteem hangover stuff.

My kindest wish for you is my hope that you know and like yourself today and everyday.

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