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What if There’s Nothing Wrong

It’s kinda astounding the amount of limiting false beliefs I’ve been lugging around with me my entire life. I recently spoke about how I am not allowed to want anything. And how my unworthiness was a given. I have basically believed all my life that there is something wrong…with everything and me….all the time. It’s the mode from which I operate. I must fix it/me/them in order for life to be “right”. And then my therapist throws in, “What if there’s nothing wrong?”

Say What?

Oh these pesky therapists!

What I thought about was that helplessness is hard. We’d rather scrabble and scratch, eek out any different outcome than admit that we are where we need to be or, gasp, we have no control. What can you do if you have no power to change something? We can only accept what is. That’s it. Acceptance. And that seems so much harder than changing it? Yes.What if there was nothing wrong on Shalavee.com

What if the fixes and changes we perceive are just the way your world is meant to be. And what it the things you have been leaving alone are exactly the places you need to exert your energy. I do think that we often focus on stuff that distracts us fro our bigger journeys. Our fear disguises tasks as necessary and useful. And we all know if we’d rather pluck our eyeball out than doing it, it probably doesn’t serve anyone, much less ourselves.

I suppose it’s a matter of stepping back, staying still, and having faith more than just barreling along. Being grateful and thoughtful and taking care of that pesky anxiety problem in whatever fashion you can. Because there may be nothing wrong or there may be something that needs fixing but assuming it’s always broken isn’t really any fun anymore.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout

It’s been two weeks since the anxiety episode that hijacked my heart and silenced my soul. It wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a crisis of confidence. I’ve had these before. And after I took myself to the doctor’s to ask for some pharmaceutical help and did all the various and assorted self-care activities I could, I’ve just been sitting back and taking it easy. Listening to and watching what my inner-self needs. Not overtaxing myself with have tos but asking what I want to do instead.

Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout on Shalavee.com

Perspective is always a good friend if you allow it to come in and stand with you as time passes. And what I realized was that I have been telling myself a story about how OK I was when I wasn’t. I was passing myself as “doing great” when I wasn’t always doing great. I was so frustrated because I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in fighting my anxieties and having this spell felt like I’d never gotten anywhere.

Again, another cognitive distortion. I self-sabotaged some major progress by expecting myself to be all in, there already, safe and confident on a high platform away from the fear lions. And there was no voice loud enough to shout me in from the doubt storm as it spiraled out of control shaking me with doubt and grief and shame. “Why do I even try? I put myself in harm’s way. I am a fraud.”

It’s two weeks later, and although I no longer feel like a fraud, I’m still trying to find my footing. My therapist is my own personal wonder woman handing me perspective and tools. And she asked me “What’s your Purpose?”. I said,”I Dunno”. So we’re starting there.

Stuff certainly happens. Regularly. And it’s always up to us to translate what it means, to tell our own story about where we are and what we need to do next. I wanted to run away from all my aspirations. But I let myself sit and watch and what I think I’ve done is blow some unreal expectations out of the water and made room for some compassionate wisdom instead.

I’m just letting go of what doesn’t serve me presently and caring for myself through this fallout. I feel the numbness subsiding and the hope wanting to seep in again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Some People Aren’t Ready for Self-Accountability

The point at which I noticed that I needed to be a good parent to myself, I had to trust me to have my back, and I needed to keep myself safe, was the moment I realized my mindfulness was shifting to a new place of self-accountability. A place where self-care really meant taking care of me and protecting myself from the onslaught of the regular anxiety I’d been subjecting myself to my entire life. My shift was in the ownership of my own actions and when I put the nice kind strong parent in charge instead of the mean judgmental withholding one, my life got easier and gentler. I was no longer victimizing me using other people. I was responsible for everything that was in my life, good and bad.Some people aren't ready for self-accountability on Shalavee.com

And as I considered recently what it is I’m able to give my readership, the concept of self-accountability came up. I am offering people a chance to see what self-accountability looks like in action. How oddly it struck me then when, in response to me saying that some other people think I’m a bunch of hooey, my therapist said, ”some people aren’t ready for self-accountability. Some will never be”.Some people aren't ready for self-accountability on Shalavee.com

Self-accountability means you take responsibility/ownership for your actions. You recognize that you can change your own life by this action and claim responsibility for what you’ve chosen. You can also use this power to re-parent yourself and build your esteem( see the first paragraph). It means you are good for your word to you as well as to others. And that isn’t as common as I’d like or you’d think.Some people aren't ready for self-accountability on Shalavee.com

I’ve explained several times to my son that most of the world points fingers at other people and says “He did it to me”. I told him it’s easier if he doesn’t do that but rather would take responsibility for whatever part he could. I think most people are finger pointers. I try hard to dodge that behavior and I think the majority of my audience are people who support self-accountability too. I also presume that there are other people who read my posts and think I’m some sort of freaky nut-job who obsessively talks about her feelings. While I’d agree with them, I’d offer that there’s so much more to life besides sports, religion, television, and fear. That to become a deeper society, we need to dig within ourselves first. And I’m a gal who leads by example. This is me being the change.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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My First World Kid

He’s grown up in a small town, a petri dish we carefully planned and chose to spawn him in. Because it wasn’t the big city we were raised in complete with all those big city dangers. He had a stay at home Mom, a chance to play in Little League and be in a parade, and a box at the post office for letters to Santa. And we also bequeathed him our anxieties, such as they were when we had him. He’s gotten all his quirks honestly and he’s a first world kid.

I was proud of him when he asked to see a talking doctor when he was feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of entering middle school. He was discombobulated and was asking for help so of course! And as we sat there at the intake appointment and the nice therapist had to ask him all the hardcore questions about sexual abuse, violence in his home, drug and alcohol abuse, and mental illnesses, it was so very clear that he truly has no street savvy. She asks, did he ever cut himself? He said, you mean intentionally? This is the kid who scolds me when I curse.My First World Kid on Shalavee.com

We are in this woman’s office because he asked for support! That is to be commended. And after all these questions that remind me that there are so many horrendous situations happening to children all over the world, my first thought was, we have no problems. Or we have such first world problems. These aren’t even private school stresses but public school ones. As of my 12th birthday, I had entered into a private school for girls and got to know a whole new level of stress hell as well as gained my savvy on the streets of the city.

But not my kid. His innocence is so dear that I sit back and relax. When the questionnaire has been filled out, I’ll get to let this woman take the helm and aid him as only a third-party neutral can be trusted to do. She’ll give him what he needs and I’ll have given her to him as is my job. I have kept him safe and naïve and happy up until this point. And I’m OK passing some of the buck.My First World Kid on Shalavee.com

I know that bubble is about to pop, as it must. And I am glad and proud of the job I’ve done so far. He’s amazing and I hope he’ll know just how amazing the bigger he gets. We’re living the sheltered American Dream in the meanwhile. We’re the first world Subway sub eating, Netflix kid movie watching, piano lesson paying, one boy and one girl family of four. And I am grateful beyond words for all of this.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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My Inner Six Year-Old was Punking Out

I brought my notes into the therapists office and told her I wanted to know what this was all about. I’ve noticed that I’m having little mini tantrums around not having time for my creativity. I’m acutely aware that this is not very grown-up or wise but there it is. And my therapist says, “It’s your inner six year-old. She’s having a fit.” Yup!

Seems like every other child in the world, my inner child is entitled to playtime and she knows it. And because she knows I’m not going to give her what she needs, she throws fits. Aha! That is my little id, Freud’s name for our desires and wants, our infant incarnate.

My inner six year-old on Shalavee.com

So I come home with the understanding that I’m going to have to dole out a lot more compassion for my inner Id girl and her need to create as well as cough up some Me-time for her or she’s going to continue to misbehave. And frankly she’s getting on my nerves.

My inner six year-old on Shalavee.com

And simply knowing that this was what was going on seems to have calmed me and her down. Meanwhile, I also discovered in further research that the ego, the second of three parts of our Selves that Freud stated we have, is like the rider to the galloping stallion of the Id. It is there to just help make choices around getting our needs me. And the third part, the Super-ego, is truly the parent making sure you feel guilt for even considering some of these choices.

I decided my Super-ego was a real Beeatch. She’s mean and tells my little id girl that she can’t play because of this obligation or that one. That “children need a mother who will sacrifice her soul to take care of them” said no one ever. Except the Super-ego. So now I’m reigning in all that need to deplete myself for the sake of everyone else stuff and letting my inner child have more playtime daily. I know it seems odd to pull yourself apart but if in doing so, you can put you back together better, why not?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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