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Woman’s Inhumanity to Herself : Self-Bullying

I admittedly had a tough first month of Summer. And if you read the intro to yesterday’s post, you’ll understand that this is a recent self-doubt storm unfolding.

When I took a harder look at what caused this, I’d say it was the result of a pretty bad should storm. My own inhumanity to myself was the cause. One where no matter how hard I’d work or diet or do, I wasn’t going to be good enough. I was defeated and thrashing and depleted. And I’d say I was a victim of my own complete lack of compassion.

I’d never have thought myself a heartless or mean person. I am kind and supportive to anyone who I can see is confused or in pain. But somehow it seems, I cannot afford myself the same compassion. And without that compassion, I end up just being a bully. Because that’s how that works.

I was aghast at thought that I was bullying myself. Yes, Self-bullying. I’m not a bully-er. But what else is a person who constantly berates another for being fat and fearful? Who, despite apparent disadvantages, expects more than they can possibly do. Who asks to be pleased and performed for and for complete compliance. You call them a bully.

Woman's Inhumanity to Herself on Shalavee.com

So, I have pulled back on the expectations. I am taking some industrial strength self-care of myself. And I am gently asking what else I can do to serve her needs for happiness. I am ignoring what the scale says and instead donning clothing that fits who I am now and makes me feel good about her. I am pledging that, to the very best of my ability, I will stop bullying myself. I will stop spending that wasted energy on negativity and start choosing to nurture and protect the very noble and authentic parts of myself that need to shine instead.

Anything here ring true for you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Catching Up and Telling the Truth

What a slippery perspective buster “truth” is. The truth is that this first month and a half of Summer has been rough. Not in the hard ways my Summers used to start , but in very personal ways. Ways I was not even telling myself about.

Today’s truth is that I am still awaiting the steroid injections I received two days ago in my ouchy SI joints to take effect. I’m still holding my breath for the positive outcome. I’ve fought my way here and still there’s truly no change. And continued pain messes with your mind a little as it drains your good will, your hope, and your ease.

Truth is I cancelled my second round of Weight Watchers, because after three months, I didn’t lose a single pound. And I just felt like a watched pot. I refused to boil. catching up and telling the truth on Shalavee.com

 

Personally, and professionally, I had set high expectations and goals I had to rise to so I could be the person I have always meant to be Right Now, knowing everything and producing brilliance. The disparity in my actuality vs my intentions made me so disconcerted, I chewed my lip apart for most of June. If it feels like you are living for another’s approval, you probably are.

We are at the half way point of Summer with one more Summer Camp next week and looking forward to one more mini-vacation which I’m hoping will be relaxing. But I have a sinus surgery lined up right afterwards for mid-August. It is radical self-care act for me to do this, long overdue, but it is also impending doom looming in my not too distant future. I’m scared.

For me, getting perspective on all of this means you write it all up and then you let it go. What are your suggestions for not dreading and instead being present?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

How Summer Did Not Start Out Like Plummeting Space Junk

(If you’d like to listen to me read this post, there’s an audio recording at the bottom of the post. Scroll down and Just press play and Soundcloud will do the rest)

In Summers past, I have entered the season like a plummeting piece of space junk. My landings are often fast and furious, and usually neurotic and messy. I even posted a warning to myself last year in case I’d forgotten what craziness Summer usually brings me. But if I told you this Summer’s first week was uneventful, would I believe it?

Let me fill you in on what miracles I arranged for myself prior to the start of this Summer. I had Summer camps paid for and shot records delivered in March. I asked our babysitter to pinch hit for two days per week so that I could have creative alone time at home and Fiona could have one-on-one time with someone. And I went and bought me a portable air-conditioner to plop in my craft room thus eliminating the excuse that it was too hot to create or write. I wrote about this last Week in a post titled A Controlled Creative Climate.How Summer Did Not Start Out Like Plummeting Space Junk on Shalavee.com

 

I made space and possibility for myself so that I could get to catching up and creating immediately. And it has made me almost a nervous wreck. Because easier sometimes isn’t … until it is.

 

Over oatmeal this morning, my husband says,”So things are going really good for you right? What with the extra time and the space?” and I say, “Not so much”. And I explain to him that I feel a different kind of whacky. And he says,”Oh, it’s the blank check syndrome”, and I smile and ask him what that is. He says,”You have all the money and time and permission in the world and you’re stuck because there’s no limitations.” And I’m saying, “Yes! That’s it” before he’s even finished.

I made space and possibility for myself so that I could get to catching up and creating immediately.

And it has made me almost a nervous wreck.

I have had limitations and restrictions on me all my life. Being confined and miserable is where I am most comfortable. It’s the happiness set point and most of my life, it’s been set in the unhappiness zone. Now I have the possibility to move out of that zone and I don’t know how to deal with it or feel about it…again. I know that I’ve been here before and I’m currently searching for the right mindset to live in so that I can relax into this boon I have given myself and stop chewing on my lip. Last Fall, my therapist and I talked about how happiness makes me nervous . I’m glad I have a blog to search my own terms and breakthroughs ! How Summer Did Not Start Out Like Plummeting Space Junk on Shalavee.com

So I continue to stay watchful of myself and am creating everyday in my newly cooled quiet craft room. It has only been a week since Summer has started and there’s quite a few more weeks to go. I am grateful that my process is being upgraded every year and hoping to share some of our happy Summer moments and my creative breakthroughs with you throughout.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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A Controlled Creative Climate

For the longest time, I have wanted my own creative space. I have carved them out of back rooms and basements. In this house, I have use of a sun porch which we call the craft-room. It would seem that would be good enough until I can’t be in there alone without “company” and then the Summer weather makes the room unbearably hot.

But don’t be fooled, this isn’t just about the actual space to physically create in. This is also about the mental space and permission with which to be our truest selves. I have waged a battle inside that had me losing the opportunity to create regularly until now.

A controlled creative climate on Shalavee.com

 

 

When we are in a creativity mode, we need to know that we are safe. We are our inner children wanting to play uninterrupted. The irony that our actual children steals that away from us is an unfunny life joke. Seems a fair enough request to ask for regular recess in our play rooms but our inner adults often have better more productive plans for us. Eventually we give up and we resolutely stuff our “childish” desires down some dark hole in our psyche.

In my case, my inner child began to tantrum. And what I came to understand was that not only did I need to allow her to indulge in her recess, I needed to create a safe environment in which she could play free of judgements and distractions. And then she needed to trust that when she wanted to play, I’d create time and space again for her. This is exactly the process by which I’ve begun to trust myself.

A controlled creative climat on Shalavee.com

So this Summer, to further indulge my need to create safely, I’ve hired a sitter to regularly engage my daughter (CRAZY COOL) and purchased a mobile air conditioner for my craft room (COOL LIKE CRAZY). Which means I can close the door and create at will. There are no more obstacles and I feel slightly giddy.

This is how I am creating a space to grow into. Like setting an empty box down to be filled with a project of yet unnamed magnitude. I’m nervous at the prospect of having no more excuses in some ways but I’m also giddy at the notion of possibilities. And all it took was circumventing my excuses, ridding my roadblocks, and taking responsibility to keep my inner artist safe until she can come out to play.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Summer’s Ending

After our teeth cleanings, I moaned to Penny behind the desk at the Dentist’s office, “I’m done with Summer. I am just so done.” I’d begun to chew rigorously on the inside of my lip from the stress of the two bickering in the back seat on the way to the appointment. I was glad that the dental hygienist hadn’t mentioned the damages during my teeth cleaning. Knowing that school is a mere 5 days away, I can almost let my breath out.

The Summer played out like the swim test my son took and passed. Started out confidently, ran out of steam halfway through, sank to the bottom, and then was told to just keep swimming. He passed the swim test and I passed the Summer test but it wasn’t effortless. Summer's Ending on Shalavee.com

I conquered my biggest fear which was to remember and show up for all the camps and dates I’d planned for us. Daftly weaving the naptimes in with drop off and pick up times. And almost getting a few days off for myself here or there. But I envy everyone who has families to share overnights with, grandmothers to ship them off to for a week, or even older girls and boys to watch them somewhere other than right here all day inside in my face. And I have forgotten how much worse my Summer could start out as last Summer’s start was horrendous.

Fiona happily started a new daycare in June twice weekly which she loves. Summer has become a bit relentless here at the end but we do get to cap it off with a festival right in out front yard. Summerfest happens in late August on the courthouse green which we live across from. And this year, I’ve encouraged my son to bum around with his friends. He’s about to enter Middle School and 6th grade and that’s what you do.Summer's Ending on Shalavee.com

My biggest goal was to get Eamon to pass that swim test which took many trips to various pools before he stopped thrashing and fighting the water. He took that test and was so pleased with himself to have passed. Then he and his buddies got to goof off together in the cold pool at Y camp. Mission accomplished.

My own personal goal was to stop stressing out and find a cruise mode. I even enjoyed myself for a few lovely languorous moments on our beach vacation in June. I began my video chats on Facebook and am trying to keep up on all the tomatoes that my husband’s garden is now mass producing. I even made a peach and blueberry cobbler last night. Summer's Ending on Shalavee.com

Eyes are on the prize of the upcoming school year. A schedule to follow is better than an endless non-schedule. And the cooler temperatures of Fall will be very appreciated. When we can throw back open the windows, build a fire in the fire wok, and celebrate my 50th birthday in a month. Stay Freaking Tuned.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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