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F*%ked up

You know, in many ways, I was less eff-ed up throughout my life than I thought I was. Understanding that much of my screwy self was created when I was little living in a dysfunctional family, I did well to come out with the drive to heal that I have. But in a few ways, I was a little more eff-ed up than I admitted I was. In fact, I think we all are. We’re all playing a grand game of “I’m Fine, See?”, but I’m not buying it.

Last year I was certain I was doing everything I possibly could to battle my anxiety. I have been in therapy always, I journal and confess, I read, I ruminate, and I witness with compassion my setbacks. Until suddenly, the fear monster overcame me and my heart was broken in my disbelief. And so I chose to do one more thing to find my way out. I asked for help.

F*%ked up on Shalavee.com

With my anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly felt “normal”. There was no more buzz of fear in my head. No more hum in the sound system that suggests a problem. And as thrilled as I was to no longer be suffering the daily doubt and need to fix me, I also felt like I had woken up in another country. When you think you know the language of life and suddenly you don’t. When it’s always hard and suddenly easy, you wait for the other shoe to drop.

Up to this point, I had been cultivating a theory on how increased creativity can decrease anxiety. Except, what I had truly experienced was that creativity couldn’t take care of the anxiety completely. I wanted it to but it wouldn’t. And I felt such doubt in what I had been working on up until then. So I have awaited a new perspective to allow me new understanding.

At the core, self-trust is what balances and battles anxiety. And however you gain that, that’s your personal answer. Whether it’s creativity, abstinence, habitual self-care, therapy, meditation, the powerful magic of tidying up even one drawer, medication, or any combination of these, the final goal is to be happy and to be less anxious. But what is so important is that we need to do whatever it takes regardless of the stigma f not being OK. Because that snobbish pride prevented me from being less anxious for a long time.

So I’ve decided I’ll go back to pieces and theories I’ve written and mull over what thoughts still resonate and what needs to be overhauled with my new perspective. Raging against the change will not stop it. All that’s left is to find a way to begin again. And then…begin again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Was Worthless

I have come to understand that the two areas of me that need the most work are self-trust and self-value. I believe that my lack of self-trust is what causes anxiety. And my lack of self-value is otherwise known as low self-esteem or self-worth.

It struck me the other day that I have truly believed for a long time that I am worthless. I almost laughed at the ludicrousness of this concept.

As children, we believe what we do about ourselves based on what our world shows us. Everything reflects our worth. And if my parents weren’t available to shower me with unlimited love right when I needed it, it must have reflected my lack of worthiness. And that stuff sticks around. The inner child’s decision of worthlessness will not be dissuaded because they are all ego, the center of the universe. Absolute importance or unimportance.

For 10 years, I have been working on raising my self-esteem. But while I could see these parts of me that I disliked and wanted to rid myself of, I was powerless to move from this magnetic grip that my low self-esteem had on me. I was tethered to my recognitions of my worthlessness. Because that is how it always has been. Until I released myself.

The one two punch combination against my worthlessness began with understanding that I was bullying myself. That no man has ever oppressed me as well as I have oppressed myself. And I proceeded to shower compassion down on myself. And then I chose to alleviate my anxiety with my last resorted option : medication.

I have always had a knife to my throat as nothing I ever did was good enough. But now I have been released from my tether to my not good enough thoughts. Instead of seeing myself as fat, I see myself as pre-skinnier. I looked in the mirror the other day and caught sight of myself and thought that I was pretty. The fact that I can see the difference in the way I was as opposed to the way I feel now seems slightly miraculous. And I probably deserve a few miracles in my life

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Belonging to Myself

I feel unqualified to be an adult. Like someone didn’t give me the manual and the rule book. And I’ll be found out. I was raised to need someone else to give me a sense of belonging. It would seem my kryptonite is my own independence. This is the story I am discovering and hoping to rewrite. And may well be the story of many women who feel their purpose of existence is to serve others.

But I have found that not belonging to myself causes me great grief. A sense of being untethered and ungrounded. Not belonging to you means that you look for all your comfort and sense of identity from others. And I am adamant that my daughter finds a way to be here for herself. We had a conversation about this once and she called it her Body Buddy. Imagine the kind of love and acceptance we could give ourselves and then to the world if we belonged to ourselves, inside the bodies we have, with the compassion of angels.Belonging to Myself on Shalavee.com

What is a sense of Self-belonging comprised of? Self-love, self-trust, and self-knowledge perhaps. A feeling of faith that you are here just as you need to be when you should be. That you have everything you need within you to fulfill your purpose here. And you are never alone as long as you know that you are a pretty awesome friend to you.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Seven Methods to Help Develop Self-Trust

I believe that the key to vanquishing our anxieties is in developing our self-trust. We are fearful of everything as long as we don’t think we have what it takes to make the decisions we need to make daily. We have trip anxiety and agoraphobia because we fear we can’t handle what’s next, even if we’ve proven ourselves capable countless times before.

Seven Methods to Help Develop Self-Trust  on Shalavee.com

I am busy tweaking my self-trust through my intentional creativity. And I would like very much to get to a point where I not only trust myself, but value and revere what I have to offer. In thinking about what conscious creativity has given me, I discovered there were more ways to achieve self-trust. So here’s a little cheat sheet on the subject. Try just one and see if you feel a little more reliable.

—How to Develop Self-Trust—

Creativity– Allow yourself to listen to your intuition / inner guide and act on what you hear. Intuit more of your day and see where it leads you. Practice a daily creative practice for a week or a month and see what that feels like.Read more about creativity and self-trust here.

Self-Parenting and Leading – Being a better self-parent and supporting your inner child with boundaries and creative time or deadlines. Finding out that your word is true makes you more reliable to yourself and others. Read more about self-parenting here and here.

Goal Setting – To set a goal and follow through with it. You keep returning and you keep your word to yourself, something that you may not have had as a child.

Boundaries – Imposition of boundaries for yourself or abstinence from behavior that is self-destructive or is taking you away from being your truest you. You prove your fear was wrong when it said you would die if you stopped this behavior.

Seven Methods to Help Develop Self-Trust  on Shalavee.com

Indulge in play – Sometimes having fun can be the best answer to shake you up. If you keep treating yourself like a work horse and never lighten up, you may not gain any perspective on the truth of who you are and how you are already enough. Trust in your ability to get it done and have fun.

Trustworthy people – Surround yourself with trustworthy folks who give good advice and live what they preach. They will inspire you and guide you. They show you your value by being in your life too.

Credit and Rewards – Giving yourself credit and rewards when you’ve completed the goals you set out to achieve is something I’ve begun to value. A family celebration or treating yourself to the movies tells you that you are proud of yourself and tethers the self-trust a little more.

I felt like I had searched so long for the esteem that I was missing and ended up bumping my head hard on the concept of self-trust as the number one cause of my anxieties. I want to share this wealth of understanding with anyone who needs it. My ahas have been gifted to me by other kind people sharing their stories of change and I find nothing is more important than the relationship I have with myself. To be supportive and kind instead of belittling and cruel is to begin to create self-trust that fuels my next joyful project.

What have you done that you noticed equated into immediate self-trust? Is there anything that I’ve missed in my list of self-trust creating actions?

If you want a more in depth article on the relationship of self-trust and self-efficacy, the belief in your ability to grow and meet goals, visit the Positive Psychology website and read the piece titled What is Self-Efficacy Theory in Psychology.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Loving Your Inner Daughter

About a month ago, my therapist and I were discussing the constant upset that my daughter seems to experience. And she stressed the fact that I needed to encourage my daughter to comfort herself. That knowing that you can be there for you and love yourself through to feeling better is the first step in empowering her and making sure she doesn’t seek out other methods of comfort for quelling the pain. When I discussed being there for yourself with my daughter, she referred to it as having a Body Buddy. That she came up with the phrase made me feel she may have a head start on understanding this self-love concept. This entity is definitely your inner daughter. 

Loving Your Inner Daughter on Shalavee.com

In a conversation the other day with Fiona, she began to count all the people who she knew loved me, Shalagh/Mommy. She said she and her brother loved me. And Daddy loved me. And I loved me, right? And maybe for half of a second, I considered the validity of that, but I didn’t miss a beat when I said “Yes”. Because it’s what I said right then that will model how she should treat and regard herself in the future. If there were one thing I would want to give her, it would be self-love and self-trust. And so, I must model it for her.

My therapist asked how I feel and what I do when someone gives me a compliment. While I know I will say thank you, I don’t know that the compliment will go deep. Because it seems I am so very skeptical of the validity and the source, I will dismiss it. Seems that it was always safer to dismiss the good stuff this way. So when the bad stuff came, I wasn’t too far off the path. But I can admit that now, this approach may not be serving me very well anymore. It’s a coping mechanism or habit that is keeping me from getting some very important needs met. It’s an outdated mode that needs updating.

Loving Your Inner Daughter on Shalavee.com

Mainly it seems that not only do our inner children need playtime, they also need someone to tell them what a good job they did. Or how pretty they look. Or that they matter enough to be noticed. If you think that you are no longer a 6-year-old, think again. Inside you is a very vulnerable active and needy child. It’s just a fact. And the moment I realized that, I started to shift. Because the quality of a parent I am to my inner 6-year-old will be the quality of a parent I am to my daughter. You cannot avoid treating your inner and outer children both the same.

Loving yourself is a choice. My choice to bully and berate myself has never gotten me any further down the road to achieving my goals. And it certainly wouldn’t be how I would want anyone to ever treat my daughter. So, I am setting an intention to speak firmly but kindly to my inner 6-year-old in the hopes that I can feel my perspective shift a little more. And as I increase the self-trust, fear can not be the governing force in my soul and my purposeful existence.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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