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Self-Trust Was My Parenting Game-Breaker

For the majority of my life I was lacking in self-trust.  I didn’t believe me when I said I was going to do something. Just below the surface, I was pretty sure I’d fail myself, and so eventually I did. Do unto yourself as others have done unto you.

Enter child #1 into my world in 2005. While being unkind to myself hadn’t killed me yet, I still couldn’t model behavior that I wanted my child to imitate if I wasn’t truly feeling the same way. And I couldn’t ask him to give me his trust if he could immediately see in my eyes that I didn’t trust myself. His esteem would plummet without my positive belief in myself. And after these realizations, the first place I had to start the overhaul was with my own inner-parenting.Child #1 on Shalavee.com

Let me say that to create and shape something that you’ve never imagined possible is beyond ingenuity especially when it’s an unknown interior landscape. How do you strive to create positive where only negative has existed. Love where there was nothingness? There’s a massive amount of faith leaping required to begin believing in yourself when you never have before. And it seems almost a fairy tale to say that life will be better when you love yourself. You want so badly to believe and feel you’d die if you found out it was all a lie.

I started my self-trust endeavor out by just committing to little stuff and fulfilling my promises to myself. I began with some radical self-care and quit smoking. And every victory I achieved built my self-confidence and trust a little more. The building of this blog played another huge part in my self-belief.  I found that I could often be unkind to myself and so I’ve tried to befriend myself and am trying to ease up on the mean me and empower me with kindness. And gradually I built up my faith in my word that I believe when I give it to myself. I believe myself. That’s Huge.

Child #2 and me on Shalavee.com

Children have an amazing capacity for intuiting when you are down and weak. They’ll come for you then with extra rockets on. If you ignore them, they want your attention. And if you don’t truly believe that what you are doing what you are for a good reason, they will be terrified. Because if you’re not in charge, that may mean they have to be. And that is scary as hell. With the birth of my daughter, I was inspired to continue to fight to be my best self.

The trick to parenting well ? Being a good parent to yourself. And there’s just no way around it. And even if your kids are older, you are still and always worth befriending and demonstrating the power of positivity and self-love.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Monkey Mind

I worked through a bout of plummeting self-esteem today. I’d reached out to someone to connect but they truly didn’t have the time. I wasn’t going to be an asset to their life. And when I came away empty-handed, I sorta spun out. Why had I even risked the ask for the rejection. I was hoping to have a connection, perhaps some help. Now there was nothing. I felt embarrassed and shaken. I know I have something to give but they don’t. I was cool but it was weird.

To combat the sudden bad feelings, I went upstairs and got to work on the next piece for my floral design project, multiple pieces for a Christmas house-tour. I listened to myself as I worked. Maybe I want the legitimacy or the validation of the collaboration with people who are already doing something. But I don’t really need other people to confirm my work for it to be truly valuable. Just as I don’t need my writing published to know it’s good. Or to sell artwork to be an artist.These would be nice but aren’t necessary.Monkey mind on shalavee.com

For fifteen minutes I heard my inner voice as it swerved and careened around and headed straight into “I can’t do any of this”. Then it climbed up on top of  “I can do anything I decide I can do.” I was almost amused as I heard my esteem bouncing up and down. The brain is spastic and fickle like the monkey mind analogy. I am what I decide I am until I decide differently. Why not decide on the side of capability. That I am an island I am still exploring instead of a small craft in a stormy sea.

Thankfully, I am just self-aware enough that I stood there with those wiggly weird feelings. I allowed them to be there and I watched them roll out and around and back in. I kept working on my floral designs and my sad furtive feelings gradually receded. I had not overreacted. I’d allowed them their time. And I’d been wise enough to recognize that. Hope this gives you permission to do the same.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Blogging For Self-Esteem

My husband has an event lighting company and we were at a wedding vendor ‘meet and greet’ recently. He introduced me to a professional woman who spoke about her event venue very seriously and pragmatically. And as the subject turned to social media, maybe I mentioned my blog, I spoke of how I’d entered into the social media world having no idea what it was about, mostly dreading it. And that I was surprised to find my self-esteem had bloomed through its use. And her stoic face spread in a smile and she said, “Good for you.” It was an unexpected response and that’s why I valued it. Because she knew the value of adding to one’s self-esteem. And I liked her.

See there’s a lot of us “older generation” who’ve resisted this social media “trend”. We’ve needed to be beaten over the head to consider our use of  social media. It was “new fangled” and we never even had a problem with rotary dial phones. But some of us had to concede to its use as necessary. I had a blog that needed promoting. Some others have books or personal causes that need exposure and support by sharing. But those are truly small whys compared to the bigger benefit. When you are on social media, community is almost inevitable.

===Fear Fears Community”===

— Jon Acuff —

We are community oriented beings. We get a sense of worth and gratitude and grounding when we are in a community. All of my life, I had never truly felt a part of one or maybe I didn’t believe I was deserving of one. And I totally did not expect to find mine online ! Yet it turns out there are so many like-minded people all over the world and if you speak honestly and from your soul-truth, you’ll bump right into them.

I’m loud and talkative when you meet me but I wasn’t like that online at first. So when I got a little less shy and began to ask questions and comment and speak up, I became a student of socialization. I saw that most people were nice to you and would respond. I saw that if you were truly kind to people they appreciated it. And I saw that the only way to have a friend was to be one.

cobalt door in Annapolis for Blogging for self-esteem post on Shalavee.com

And the gift I received in return was the knowledge that I have value and am worthy just because I’m here. Because I’m nice and have valuable points and views to add to the world. The people who aren’t invested in me, who aren’t my blood or need something from me, but have willingly given me validation, support, and kudos? They have been the blessing to my self-esteem and pulled me up off the ground. Them and a good therapist have taken me from a 4 to a 7 on the self-rating scale of self-esteem.

I’m at a place now where I’m ready to step out a bit more. I’d like to continue to inspire and spread kindness and support. If there’s a cause I should know and lend my support to, let me know. If there’s a question I can answer, ask. If there’s a community I can create or a service I can provide, I’d love to hear about it. I am stacking my aspirations up and next year promises to be an even better one. Thank you for reading dear people.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Unqualified Enoughs

On a ‘not feeling so great’ day recently, I realized I was looking around my house, at my life, at all the things I am supposed to measure up to. Numerous items and definitions and tasks that have no real measured defined standard. I somehow, I had fallen short of measuring up to an undefined level of perfectionism. A unacheivable undefined standard. And so I will fail every day.

That queasy feeling I have knowing that every day I will be judged and found to be an inadequate failure. My house won’t be pretty enough, my writing won’t ever be published or prolific enough, my kids won’t be stimulated enough, and my body won’t be young enough.

Like a slow leak in my psyche, again the case of the not enoughs has taken its toll. Every effort I make goes down the ‘not enough’ hole. My energy drained, my efforts unnoticed.

Perhaps I judge and sentence myself to avoid anyone beating me to the punch of telling me I’m not enough. The crime is punishable by solitude and no risks. I will already create the rejection I expect the world handing me so that I won’t be disappointed when it does. I am in control of my failure, I already know how it turns out. At the gas tank on Shalavee.com

Yet, to have seen the pattern is to break it. Whatever effort I muster in a day, that has to be enough. What I have to give is all I have. And raising the standards, the daily expectations so that I always fail, that’s just downright mean.

So here I am giving myself credit and permission to be OK with whatever I have today. It’s OK. And I offer myself the faith that I will get around to working on and clearing and creating whatever needs to happen in the order of its importance. I will commit to defining my enoughs. The children will have enough love. I will have enough time with my friends. And I will forgive myself my brutal humanity yet again and allow for the risks that will elevate me above a survivor and onto a successfully self-aware woman who is using her wisdom and fear to inspire others out of their fear holes too. Enough is enough.

Wanna see the whole month of posts? Start here.Wanna see yesterday’s post, go here.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Surprise Party

My husband mentions it often. How after he threw me that surprise party, I said I would never forgive him and I’ll never be able to trust hum again. He teases me because it does seem silly. But if you saw me that day break down in overwhelmed tears, you might understand.

When I rounded that corner and everyone yelled “Surprise”, I was truly astonished that all those people liked me enough to be there. I began to bawl as I hugged each and everyone and thanked them profusely. And after the party, I sent them all thank you notes for their appearance, their efforts. But really what I was thanking them for was liking me. For loving me. Maybe it felt like more than I deserved. Roses 2 on Shalavee.com

I heard a song the other day on the radio and the lyrics went, “I know you can’t believe that I believe in you.” Disbelief in my worthiness is familiar. I’ve rolled around with low self-esteem for most of my life. That and a pretty good case of anxiety. This is an example of what you believe in yourself may not match up with what others are showing you. Cognitive Dissonance to a degree.

My lack of self-worth stole my joy from me that day. That’s not what I’d wish to have the outcome of a party be. To worry about everything that had come before, doubt my worthiness to be celebrated, and that I needed to pour gratitude all over everybody to make up for my unworthiness makes me sad now. I wasn’t present. Roses 3 on Shalavee.com

There were other surprise parties after this. One I wasn’t ready for and one I sorta was. A lady should always get a heads up to doll up for the potential photo ops. And I was more present for those. Because, guess what, it really isn’t as much about me as it is about how wonderful all these people are in my life that value me in theirs. Gratitude has brought me to a new level of living and loving, both myself and my people.

I am a rich rich woman who is apparently loved by many. And I can say I’m finally starting to see what they see. And that in turns is making my image of myself becoming clearer as well.

You are Good Enough

You are Capable

You are Important

You are Worthy

You are Loved

You are Not Alone

I’m still not a huge fan of surprise parties but I don’t think I’d have that same imploding reaction. However, my husband really will never ever try that again. So there’s a relief in that. Anyone else have a surprise party story to share?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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