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Compassion Breeds Confidence : Ditching the Judgement

Seems women are less compassionate towards themselves than men. Men will rate their own efforts way better than women will judge their own efforts. Somehow our need to care-take the world means that we have to reserve our compassion for others? We need to work ourselves to exhaustion for the sake of everyone. Martyrdom is then a complete lack of self-compassion and crediting our efforts. Why are we saving the world and driving ourselves into the ground if we just end up being mean to ourselves?

Mean shouldn’t be our motivation to work. But when we aren’t being loving or compassionate with anyone including ourselves, that’s what it is. Judgement is the opposite of compassion. So not only are we ignoring our needs, we’re judging ourselves for having them. We’re berating and punishing and denying ourselves basic care needs. For what purpose? Compassion breeds confidence on Shalavee.com

If we were compassionate with ourselves, as we imagine we are with everyone else, and told ourselves that everyone has days like this and it’s OK to be sad or mad and keep trying, we’d have more room for our humanity. We’d have permission to clean up life’s little messes more quickly, we’d have a better sense of humor too probably.

And as we kept trying to just deal with our lives the best we could and allow for opportunities as well as the failures, we’d have many more opportunities to gain confidence. In the end we’d feel better about ourselves and our abilities. We’d be showing up to mother ourselves in the fashion we expect ourselves to do with our children. And I’d bet we’d rate our efforts more highly.Compassion breeds confidence on Shalavee.com

Because, PS , our children will do to themselves as they see us doing to ourselves. You can not hide who you are and what you believe. And if you are a self-critical judgement-aholic, you’ll raise one. Want a child with confidence, treat yourself with kindness and care, know where you stop and they start and draw the line for the sake of your love. You will be glad to have steered your family in that direction.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit. If you Sign up for my newsletter in the sign up box over there to the right, you’ll receive a first look-see at my Creative Mothers’ Manifesto! Heartfelt impassioned words on the need for expressing creativity for your soul and being a better mother for it.

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How I Make Your Triumphs into My Losses

I feel bad about the way I’ve treated you. You are such a good friend but I have a guilty secret. Sometimes I put you up on a pedestal and then use your accomplishments to feel bad about myself. I want to celebrate with you and feel like your equal, but I just end up feeling inferior. And I feel that I’ve put a great big blockage into our relationship.

Remember when you announced that amazing break you had last year? I know you worked hard to get it and I was immediately conflicted between wanting to celebrate with you and wanting to be soooo jealous of you. I hope you didn’t notice I made it all about me. I’d be mortified if you noticed. So I just keep my jealousy to myself and live my own life of desperation and futility.Playing on the floor on Shalavee.com

I work so hard to come up with brave tasks to tackle. I challenge my fears at every corner doing the things I dread most in order to improve myself. But then another post comes up that tells me you had something else great happen to your career or your house or your family. And then I spiral. I compare your outsides to my insides and always come up with the crappier end of the equation.

I’m not the only one I know who does this. You might do it too. And that’s maybe why I bring this up. Because if you knew I was doing it and I knew we were doing it together then maybe we’d have a better time of feeling good about being right where we are. Accomplishments and failures alike, we are just all coexisting and hoping for happiness. the tunnel on shalavee.com

So I promise the next time I want to take your success and add it to my failure column, I’ll stop. And I’ll try to remember that there were probably many items and things in your life that didn’t go so well too. That you didn’t share those but if we talked, you might. So for now, I’m going to value my life on my own merits and not on the demerits I got from your good fortune.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit. If you Sign up for my newsletter in the sign up box over there to the right, you’ll receive a first look-see at my Creative Mothers’ Manifesto! Heartfelt impassioned words on the need for expressing creativity for your soul and being a better mother for it.

Confidence Video Talk

I am guided by the belief that if I show up and do the work I’m thinking about, I’ll know what to do next. Trying hard to just follow my inspirations and feelings where they lead me and then present them in my best words on my blog. A long time ago it occurred to me, that if I spoke my words out loud to camera, that may mean more to those I’m talking to. But the confidence to be on camera instead of behind it had not been bestowed upon me. Until now.

This has been a long time coming doing more in front of the camera. Ironically, the topic of this first intentional sit down is confidence. Confidence is complicated as it encompasses the concepts of trust and compassion. Do I trust myself to not be making a fool of myself? Do I trust that you’ll be kinder about my appearance than I (wearing the wrong shirt)? I guess I’ll have to take my hands off of it and let you draw your conclusions and inspirations. But you’ll certainly know my aim is true.

Here’s my 8 minute confidence talk. You’ll hear my take on building confidence, self-trust, and at the end you’ll find out what the opposite of judgement is. Thank you for watching and there’s a few links mentioned in the video at the bottom of the post. TURN YOUR VOLUME UP!

Hope you got a satisfying “Aha!” from this post. Below are a few links to some of the resources I mentioned. I’m thinking of going (read decided to go)  to Facebook and to do a live connection video every Friday. Essentially, I won’t have to do downloading to YouTube and people can chat at me while I talk.  And then it will be saved permanently. I’m saying Yes because I’m starting down this video road I’ve so long contemplated.

With Confidence.

Resources and Mentions

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit. If you Sign up for my newsletter in the sign up box over there to the right, you’ll receive a first look-see at my Creative Mothers’ Manifesto!  Heartfelt impassioned words on the need for expressing creativity for your soul and being a better mother for it.

Through Your Eyes : Raising a Child With Self-Esteem

I often say that I wish for every kid (and adults too) to find that one thing that they love themselves while they are doing it. This is how self-esteem is built. That they find a community of people who will join in the mutual appreciation of these efforts and thus build their esteem further. That is some of the good stuff that life has the potential to hand you.

The converse of this scenario is a child who feels worthless and bored. Who can not see themselves in what they do or their surroundings or the faces of their family. And this leads to darker places and choices.Fiona and the azalea on shalavee.com

A mother of another three-year-old in our story group expressed her concern that our rural sleepy town didn’t posses enough interesting things for the teens to do. And she felt this boredom was what led to their use of drugs, alcohol, etc. I offered that these were just choices these kids make to squelch a deeper pain. One wrought from the sense of unworthiness from their family situations. I said even rich kids do heroine. She said her husband is a cop, she knows that.

From a person who experimented with illegal substances and took unhealthy risks, had I had any activities at all in my life where I felt valued, where my identity was more than a grade or a boyfriend, other choices would have shown themselves. But I was left to my own devices, to fend and survive and I chose the wrong things to kill my pain with. The wrong people’s opinions to value. Because I didn’t value me. I was invisible to me.Recital night on Shalavee.com

My son found the piano quite early in his life. And he’s gone from an anxiety riddled seven year-old to a confident piano playing 11 year-old. He has no stage fright whatsoever which blows my mind. What he sees in our eyes and the eyes of the world watching him is admiration and support. And he’s confident that he can fulfill their expectations if not surpass them. Wow!

You can do it. You can parent, you can run the marathon, you can start a business, art every day, lose the weight, make your amends, write a book, learn a language, ice skate, or paint. All it takes is the belief that it is what you want and you deserve to show yourself you can do it. You’re worthy of a dream that fulfills you and you deserve the unyielding support that gets you there. That is what I’m giving my kids and I discovered I needed to give this to myself too.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Proactively Using My Time Feels Better

For most of my life, I was a time-debtor. Always rushing through and to my next event, never having enough time to be present. I felt perpetually late for my life in general. I lived my life reactively, surviving from moment to moment.

This constant state of anxiety makes for a miserable existence. Especially when you then add into the schedule a demanding unreliable baby. True Chaos is a time debting, infant caring, and exhaustion making combo. I was always focusing on the lack and the scarcity instead of the abundance and the possibilities.Fiona and the bubbles on SHalavee.com

As I matured as a parent and then added writing to my schedule, I began to recognize my chaotic ways were inhibiting my creativity. My mental well-being as a mother and the future of my writing depended on scheduling some of my tasks to free up time for creating. My esteem relied on getting some “me time” in. The proactive processing this asked for was new to me as I’d never felt empowered or entitled to have goals before.

I began to just make a loose list of meals I could make for the week. And found that I felt less pressure for coming up with meal ideas and culinary masterpieces every night. Plus, by planning my food, I got to be in the mood for the food I was making.

After two years without one, I began using an editorial calendar for my blog posting. Scheduling the posts after they were written allowed me to let all thoughts of them go. I could stockpile my posts like a little blogging squirrel.Fiona and her bubbles on Shalavee.com

Whereas before I’d panic at an opening in my schedule thinking of all the things I needed to do in this tiny amount of time, I now proactively scheduled tasks for certain times, wrote them into my calendar, and was guaranteed a chance of accomplishing these things. I began to just do things when I thought of them and kept them off my ever-growing lists of things to do.

The immense relief I’ve experienced approaching my time management in this way has decreased my anxieties immensely and I’m feeling more productive and capable of larger tasks than I ever thought I would. I just finished reading my first book in three years. I manage to publish blog posts three times a week. And my house is fairly kept.

Reactively living without goals was a reflection of my low self-esteem and felt like surviving. Proactively living feels like self-esteem and fulfillment of my abilities and goals and dreams. It feels like hope. And all that it requires is a little extra time shaved off the top giving me what feels like hours of extra time at the end.

This is the presentation I gave at the UU Fellowship last Sunday. I am far from being a stellar public speaker but I do appreciate the opportunity to consider this subject.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit

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