As you know, I truly disregard other’s judgment of my expression of feelings here. This space has always held safety for me. Even when I’ve been attacked, I still know that I am entitled to be honest about me. I sometimes think I should be more so.
And what I’ve come to realize is that not only do people truly not understand that it’s Okay to be not Okay, they think that my expression of self-doubt or fear to be me is somehow a reflection of instability. After all, who thinks this is Okay?
I Do.
In fact, if we were all to admit our self-doubts, our humanity more to one another without assuming that person is funny farm material, we might get to route of some of our problems more quickly. But instead, people are horrified at my humanity. It must mean something awful has happened to me.
Am I considering self-harm? Bahahaha hahahaha! I have never gone there and don’t plan to. Or maybe my anxieties just play into others’ anxieties and they can’t read what I write without being triggered into anxiety. I get that. Maybe my husband has driven me to it? He’s the funniest kindest man I’ve ever met so, no.
I find it sad that we are so clammed up with our feelings that we can’t even recognize and value honesty as just that. If we find compassion for one another and our expression of pain, it may help us find compassion for our own pain. That’s apparently not an option. But I wish it was. So I’ll continue to confess my feelings. And your choice of how to respond is yours to do what you want.
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Why
is there a presumed challenge in the question, “who do you think
you are”? As if anyone is ever entitled to question your opinion of
yourself other than you. Perhaps only people who don’t know who they
are ask this question in a way that suggests you are less.
But
I am thinking more and more this month about who I believe myself to
be. My definition in me which leads to who I believe myself to be.
And it perpetually occurs to me that who I think I am is a lot less
than who you think I am. And that it may be possible to increase my
understanding of me and thus believe myself to be more.
I
want to know myself well enough and give myself credit that I am
more…
confident
creative
charismatic
kind
open
welcoming
authentic
unique
eloquent
trustworthy
elegant
brave
…than
I believe I am. I want to be a glass fuller. This is a wish my heart
makes which only I can make come true.
And
If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in
the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit
me on Instagram to
see my daily pictures, friend
me or like my
page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter
or Pinterest
too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me
please. I live for conversations.
I am always battling with who I think I am. I strip off parts and then I forget parts. Bits of me fall away from me like sand and I begin to disappear in the wind. It’s as if I have to remind myself of who I am. Again and again and again.
I can hear the “can” coming in and out. I can hear “my life is good” going in and out.
It is these decisions about my now and future life that shade my satisfaction of my now. And there is nothing else more important besides my now. Ever.
And
If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in
the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit
me on Instagram to
see my daily pictures, friend
me or like my
page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter
or Pinterest
too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me
please. I live for conversations.
It continuously occurs to me that the better I know myself, the better I can understand my value to the world and to you whoever you might be. When I connect with me I can connect with you. And becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
I envy those people (all except the narcissists) for knowing what they are and the strengths that they bring to what they do in their lives. What a gift to have such confidence in what you are, your strengths, your gifts, and your purpose. No, not everyone has this.
Becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
We had a little old cat who was skittish and had never been petted. Until one day I snuck a pet in. And she liked it. A lot. It took her 15 years to find out how great affection was. And then she was a pet junkie. How do you know something even exists unless you have felt it? Same with self-esteem.
Building self-esteem is like building something from air sometimes. You take it on faith that you need to build self-esteem and that it will work if you keep working it but it’s an act of faith. Without the faith you’re worth it, you’re not. See? Your actions prove your value but your value isn’t there yet. What I have noticed recently is that the surer I feel about myself, the easier it is to speak with others. I come from a place of knowing and this brings me ease. And I am all about the ease.
I don’t doubt my need for self-esteem building so that I may understand my weight and purpose in this world. Knowing and fulfilling my value to my fellow humans is one of the most important tasks/jobs I will ever have. And so I fight ever onward in the invisible storm of developing myself.
And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.
I
cringe when I think about it. Not even that long ago, I really needed
people to want to be with me. I attached so much importance to
people’s response to my invitations to hang out that if they didn’t
get back to me or refused me, I was crushed.
I apparently have abandonment issues earned honestly from my Mom and Dad but still I find this annoying when we’re no longer talking about a five year old but a 52 year old. I put a lot of value in what people near and dear to me say and I want to spend time with them hearing it.
But
I still want to understand what I am thinking that brings me to such
places so fast. There’s such crazy depth to our psyches. I can not
control what you think of me. I can only decided what I think of me.
But if my worth depends on you, I’m screwed. And so many of us are
doing this. Are you?
And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.
My name is Shalagh Hogan, pronounced Shay-La. I'm the mother of a teen, a seven year-old, and I turned 54 this year. This blog was born in 2011 and my hope and joy as a writer, an artist, and an uber-creative, is that by sharing my journey of self-discovery, others will gain inspiration and permission for their own journeys.