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Me and Him

I happened on a blogger’s post about her son empty nesting her. Off to college he went. And she couldn’t believe how quickly the time had gone by. When I had my son, so many people wanted to warn me about the speediness of it all. A bit like the youth is wasted on the young speech at that point. There’s no perspective until it’s earned.

I offered her reference to the Kahlil Gibran poem about children and mothers being like arrows and bows. The bow can not go with the arrow. Never could. Great piece about the nature of the letting go  from the get go of parenting.. Embodies everything I aspire to remember as a mother.

I had my child because I wanted a child with the man I loved. Some women may have children because they need purpose. Some women are such natural mothers, it is their purpose. Some feel they should want it and there’s something there they’ll discover. Insert your reasons here.

All of us mothers will comprehend on some level that we must let them go at some point, whether we want to or not. Recently, my child has begun making his circles wider. I know when I call him and he does not answer, he actually is close by. But it’s this hide and seek I can feel coming on as he seeks to find himself away from me. And there’s a similar search going on for me as well.

I have spent the past couple years finally giving myself over to my passions. Tentatively, at first, and now with more and more gusto. Writing and playing and the blog is a means to show myself and talents finally. Proof I exist separately. These are my life’s gifts and my life’s goals. And my beautiful smart son is definitely a gift and a goal too but not my sole purpose.

When I am satisfied enough with my “soul” amusement, I can spend quality time with my son and be mostly present. I notice the difference and so does he. So making myself a priority pays off for everyone.

Yes, our circles overlap. And when I take care of my separate part of the circle, our overlap has more meaning. That also means that he’s got a part of his circle that I will not be a part of. As it should be. Like when time comes for high school locker talk, I want no part of it anyway. Any and all talk of nightly geysers or base running with girls, I told the husband that’s all his. Unless my son wants to talk while I’m getting a pedicure, then I’m all ears.

 

 

Mirror Mirror – Reflection on Your Reflection

The winter holidays, whatever they’re named at your house, offer the annual opportunity to view oneself in the eyes of friends and relatives. To see your reflection in others’ eyes. Whether it’s mind reading that gives you their vision of you, or the way they actually treat you that belies their feelings, you are destined to see something.

At a dinner party last night, I could see my friends’ love for me; my payoff for our mutual investment in time and tolerance to one another. And then today, my low esteem had a quick tickle as I faced my mother and her esteem issues . Two very different mirrors to see myself in.holidays in Mirror Mirror on Shalavee.com

We drag ourselves to the obligatory family present giving activities because it’s a shared unspoken expectation. And we play the role of ourselves as everyone’s expectation dictates. As the buffoon, scapegoat, star, or mother of the year, we nod and smile as we choose to play the part we’re expected to play.

This is the year I upset the apple cart. I chucked the responsibility of hosting. The livin’ large makes me feel pretty spankin’ good. That and all the Pinot Noir it took to get us there.

As for my future role, I’m thinking of recasting myself as a spoiled housewife who has house-wenches to do my housework. And then throwing a big party for my friends to tell them how much I care. And enjoying the quiet holidays free from the neuroses of obligatory role-playing for the rest of my life. Wish me luck with that.

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