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Misunderstand and Misunderstood

Fact is, anytime we are out in the world, we have the possibility to encounter people. People who can be as wonderful as they are annoying. A chance to be misunderstood and misunderstand one another. A chance to experience the joy of human gifts of compassion as well as the same chance to create conflict.

I had two negative experiences in this world recently. But it was also pointed out to me that I am a knee jerk to feelings kinda person instead of considering the facts and circumstances and then deciding kinda person. Mostly, what happens in the world, especially with random strangers, isn’t about you. It only reflects the fears you may have about what people are thinking about you.

The first occurrence was at the grocery store. I had 27 items and entered the 12 items or less line with no one in the line or behind me. And as I’m unloading the cart , Fiona takes over, and I see a man with a basket behind us, and I begin to pack my own bags. I am the only customer who does this at this store. As the last item goes in, the teller who I’ve never seen before says, “For future reference, this aisle is for 12 items or less. People are in a hurry.” And I just smiled and told her the card reader hadn’t read my card when I’d swiped it. Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

It was shame attack. She was calling me rude and inconsiderate. I should have turned to the line behind me and apologized for the inconvenience and turned the thing around. But my daughter started to whine for candy. And I was done.

The next time I was there, I told Eamon to stare a hole through checker number 244 in the 12 item line again. I then let the gentlemen behind me in line play through as they had a beverage and were getting a bag of ice. I packed my own bags again. I felt I’d paid it forward. Who knows what her deal was but it was one of those moments that you continue to replay because you want it to un-happen. I know how many times I let people in front of me. And I always ask the checker if it’s OK if I have over a dozen items, except this once. Bad timing and I’m not rude.Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

The next situation was the other day when I got my last round of shots in my SI joints. The nurse needed to take my blood pressure before and after the procedure. I had not requested Valium this time for the procedure. I was already vulnerable, perhaps PMS, and then I had lots needles stuck into my backside. When I left the procedure room, I was so happy to be done. Until I sat back into the chair.

My blood pressure had raised. I assured her I didn’t need a blood pressure cuff at home. She pushed, “Well this is really high”. I said I had been to the doctors multiple times and I never had a problem. And we waited for a few minutes and then she took it again and insisted that I take my blood pressure when I’m just in my regular life, go into the Rite Aid she said. Surely she just meant well. When I got into the car, I cried. And over lunch, I read their release instructions. Seems steroid shots can elevate your blood pressure. No shit.

Again, she knows that the leading cause of women dying at my age is from stroking out, from high blood pressure. But after a dozen doctor’s appointments in the last three months, my husband agreed that I am usually 134/85. I felt vulnerable and what I chose was to go with feeling attacked. I was not giving her the benefit of being a nurse, even though her chair side manner had a bit to be desired. Again, I could have said,”I’m sure you are not trying to be condescending to me and you do realize I just had multiple needles stuck in my bum. But, just like the other situation, I just wanted out of there. I was held hostage in the last yucky procedure I plan to have this year.

It’s hard to separate ourselves from our circumstances and the people in them sometimes. We shade these occurrences, what’s happening with how we’re feeling. We see through those feelings and make a decision about what has happened. Or maybe that’s just me.Thanks for letting me rant. Because it is my blog.

That’s a few bad stories from my life recently but I promise there are way better stories happening now. I’ll be writing those next.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem

Back to my therapy office this week after a long hiatus, I asked my therapist to help me continue to work on my value. That seems to be one area that is slow to move and grow in. Kinda like when we ran out of gas on the highway that one time and even adding 5 gallons wasn’t enough to start the car. (Fuel injection is persnickety that way. I curse gasoline anyway.) Sometimes the progress is imperceptible and doesn’t feel like enough.

Once your supply of esteem gets down below a certain point, I think it takes a lot to pull it back up to a functional place. A lot! And it’s the kinda thing where I think I’ve filled it up and then something big and bad happens and I feel it draining out the holes of my self-doubt and then those little niggling lies that you’ve heard in your head all your life creep back in. And you’re toasty.Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem on Shalavee.com

I thought today how low self-esteem and not valuing your worth is the reason for a lot of the crazy things people do. There are people who create mirages of perfection online so that no one will see they aren’t perfect. There are people who manipulate you to like them by outright lying. And the bullyers are plopping their self-doubt on your head so they don’t have to look at it in their own hats. Nasty people, harassing people, and depressed people are all suffering from the same deficit of self-love. We know what this feels like so you’d think we’d be a little more compassionate?Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem on Shalavee.com

But when you are staring at your own bleak walls, it’s awful hard to think of anyone else but yourself. And that makes me know that to be of any help in the world, I need to not be operating from this dark place anymore. I can not help the world or anyone else if I don’t have my inner room cleaned up and a little brighter. So I again go in to fight the good fight for truth and value, being my own super hero and asking for the world to mirror me the truth of my worth. Because I think mostly, we are all good and a little broken. And I respect your process to find a better place to be if you aren’t happy where you are.

Who’s with me and where are you? Do you have a problem valuing you too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts

I am continuing the story of the siege I suffered of negative thinking recently that left me debilitated. The kind of attack that you are not ready for. An apocalypse from within. And I was powerless for a month as the waves of self-hatred and bullying just kept coming in. I was a loser and there was no hope apparently.

Everything happens for a reason. I went through it possibly to declare that THAT IS THE VERY LAST TIME THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN. Revelations have poured forth after my recuperative period. I’d assuredly never bully anyone else like that or I would never have friends , so how is it acceptable to do it to myself? The opposite of this bullying is Self-Compassion and self-care. And I am ready to load up on deep amounts of this if it will help me never go here again.

I began again to search for an understanding about where my wires are crossed, what it is I need to focus on, and what are my strengths as well as my confusions. And here’s what I discovered.

Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts on Shalavee.com

That there needs to be a separation between my child who wants to play and create and contribute to my life from the adult me who makes important decisions about work and life purpose. My inner child was asked to do some heavy lifting when she was little. And it’s my job to assure her she no longer needs to do that. She will be safe. Do I trust myself to take care of myself? I’d like to.

I also discovered that “I can’t” means there’s no hope. That your lack of faith in your own ability genuinely then guarantees you will not try to create what you believe is an impossibility. And that feels like prison. So instead of building a prison, I’d like to build a fortress against these rampant terrifying zombie thoughts that wear me down and then eat my brains.  I’d like to come up with a massive quantity of resources to draw from when my brain starts to play tricks on me. And build the foundation of faith in my ability to handle what happens to me so that the fortress just strengthens itself as it’s tested.

 

Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts on Shalavee.com

I am endeavoring to have the skills and enough the mindfulness to pull out and see the siege as a sabotage by my reptilian fear brain. I can then stay the course as I deal with the lies that beat at my soul’s battlements and not give up on everything I’m dreaming and working on. I am stronger than I know, further than I think, and have a higher purpose than I once thought. And I’d like to  think I’m smarter than these little tricks my brain likes to play on me about my value.

What part of this resonates with you ? Do you submit to fearful thoughts or battle the bastards like the brain sucking zombies that they are?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Woman’s Inhumanity to Herself : Self-Bullying

I admittedly had a tough first month of Summer. And if you read the intro to yesterday’s post, you’ll understand that this is a recent self-doubt storm unfolding.

When I took a harder look at what caused this, I’d say it was the result of a pretty bad should storm. My own inhumanity to myself was the cause. One where no matter how hard I’d work or diet or do, I wasn’t going to be good enough. I was defeated and thrashing and depleted. And I’d say I was a victim of my own complete lack of compassion.

I’d never have thought myself a heartless or mean person. I am kind and supportive to anyone who I can see is confused or in pain. But somehow it seems, I cannot afford myself the same compassion. And without that compassion, I end up just being a bully. Because that’s how that works.

I was aghast at thought that I was bullying myself. Yes, Self-bullying. I’m not a bully-er. But what else is a person who constantly berates another for being fat and fearful? Who, despite apparent disadvantages, expects more than they can possibly do. Who asks to be pleased and performed for and for complete compliance. You call them a bully.

Woman's Inhumanity to Herself on Shalavee.com

So, I have pulled back on the expectations. I am taking some industrial strength self-care of myself. And I am gently asking what else I can do to serve her needs for happiness. I am ignoring what the scale says and instead donning clothing that fits who I am now and makes me feel good about her. I am pledging that, to the very best of my ability, I will stop bullying myself. I will stop spending that wasted energy on negativity and start choosing to nurture and protect the very noble and authentic parts of myself that need to shine instead.

Anything here ring true for you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Catching Up and Telling the Truth

What a slippery perspective buster “truth” is. The truth is that this first month and a half of Summer has been rough. Not in the hard ways my Summers used to start , but in very personal ways. Ways I was not even telling myself about.

Today’s truth is that I am still awaiting the steroid injections I received two days ago in my ouchy SI joints to take effect. I’m still holding my breath for the positive outcome. I’ve fought my way here and still there’s truly no change. And continued pain messes with your mind a little as it drains your good will, your hope, and your ease.

Truth is I cancelled my second round of Weight Watchers, because after three months, I didn’t lose a single pound. And I just felt like a watched pot. I refused to boil. catching up and telling the truth on Shalavee.com

 

Personally, and professionally, I had set high expectations and goals I had to rise to so I could be the person I have always meant to be Right Now, knowing everything and producing brilliance. The disparity in my actuality vs my intentions made me so disconcerted, I chewed my lip apart for most of June. If it feels like you are living for another’s approval, you probably are.

We are at the half way point of Summer with one more Summer Camp next week and looking forward to one more mini-vacation which I’m hoping will be relaxing. But I have a sinus surgery lined up right afterwards for mid-August. It is radical self-care act for me to do this, long overdue, but it is also impending doom looming in my not too distant future. I’m scared.

For me, getting perspective on all of this means you write it all up and then you let it go. What are your suggestions for not dreading and instead being present?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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