search
top

My Worth on this Earth : Should vs. Wanna Be

I hit a bumpy patch recently where I had to stop myself dead in my tracks. I was drowning in my own good ambitious intentions. And it wasn’t even August yet. So I pulled the plug on myself to reevaluate my priorities. Because knowing what you don’t want is as good as knowing what you do. My inherent worth on the planet was being mugged by shoulds.

I’ve journaled a lot recently and sorting out what I think I see going on. This doesn’t mean I’ll have kicked this recurring habit, this brain hiccup I’m accustomed to having, but I’m closer to calling it the should trap that it is at least.

Seems my drive and ambition to succeed are really just me

trying to prove my worth on this earth.

I am desperate to prove I have a purpose because

I secretly I suspect that I have none. WOW!

My worth in this earth on Shalavee.com

I could feel the fear lapping at my ankles. Misting over my thoughts to avoid letting me get to the bottom of this recurring nightmare. Having had a father who was very ambitious, much to the detriment of our family, I’ve lived the bad effects of ambition. However, I clearly know I want to do work that fulfills my soul and calls me to it. I do not want to do work to impress people but to see what else I can add to the world’s worth by doing it. And to see who I can become by doing this work. If people are impressed, all the better.

While fear pushes, vision pulls.

This is a concept given to me recently by Anna Lovind, a creative coach and wise sage. I can reframe and base my future on what makes my heart sing instead of trying to control the unwanted outcome. And I decide whether the shoulds I’m shoving onto my platter to devour are distasteful. Do they or don’t they represent my purpose? Or am I afraid of fulfilling the potential I have long been swallowing ?My worth in this earth on Shalavee.com

The conflict I’m experiencing, the push and the pull, is all about fear. Fear I’m crap, what I make and write is crap and isn‘t worth publishing. That I have nothing of worth to give. Or that once I start to truly give, I won’t be able to stop and people will expect it of me. Come to think of it, having someone expect me to continue is not too bad a thing. That’s accountability that keeps me blogging or vlogging.

If you maintain integrity with your own happy purpose, people to then expect you to do your best work out of love. C’mon now, that sounds like Heaven to be able to be more you and have people enjoying it and be inspired by it. Now that I put it that way, I’ll have to sit fear down and let her know, she’s getting in my way and if she could have a seat in the corner, that’d be great. We have fun we need to get on to.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Save

Live Imperfectly and Find Your Now Purpose

I’ve chased myself around the barn for a long time. I’ll pursue what it is I think I am, my passions or purpose. I’ll exclaim them here or there and then I get distracted. I put down my tiny self-eurekas and then forget to keep looking. My process starts and stops often. And I never feel like I truly have a sense of me , my purpose, my “definition”.

Somehow culling yourself down to a sentence or two of purpose seems in many ways important. To rebuild an intentional life, it’s good to know specifically what you truly want to accomplish and are thrilled about doing.You can change it but somehow you should know this about yourself to fulfill it.

But every time I pick up the task of pinning me down, of distilling my life’s purpose, I get distracted. What I really am is afraid. I’m afraid to pigeon-hole myself, that my definition won’t be perfect, I’ll have forgotten something, etc.. But perhaps I’m truly afraid of claiming who I am because I’m afraid to be the real me.Live Imperfectly on Shalavee.com

Sometimes we hear our clans tell us that if we don’t do it their way, they won’t support us. We’re afraid we’ll be abandoned if we don’t do it the way others expect us to, even if no one has ever actually said this or described these actions to our faces. We’re just certain there’s a “right way” that’s not exactly our way. 

I wrote a post not too long ago entitled Perhaps it’s Permission and Not Purpose You Seek as a way of clue-ing myself into this. We’ve forgotten who we are. We’ve done it the way we thought we were supposed to do it for so long, we’ve forgotten who we are. We’re freaking out and dying inside because we’re not us and we’d have to ask permission to do it another way. But what if we found out what really means the most to us and just did it, even if we did this purposeful action as just a hobby while we kept up the “real” job, we’d will feel immensely relieved. You’ve got to know to go. Live Imperfectly on Shalavee.com

So I’m afraid to claim what I value and what I’m passionate about. Ok. So I’m afraid of who I am truly. OK. I’m glad I got that off my chest. Now I’ve got to get back to imperfectly defining myself because I have business to get onto after I do. And I promise myself, I will always be ready to edit my definition of purposeful life if it doesn’t fit with where I am now. Live imperfectly people!

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Perhaps It’s Permission Not Purpose You Seek

For my first couple of years as a blogger, I was barraged with information about what the career online people, including bloggers, were doing. They had goals and purpose. They had widgets and conferences. They had tribes and elevator speeches. And I said “Me Too”! Although being a “make it my way” kinda gal, this didn’t make my purposeful process feel any easier as much as I hoped.

I was wowed when there were e-courses and email subscriptions I could pay for to beef me and my online stuff up. We could Build Platforms to shout out my purposeful branded stand so I could be in the ocean and swim with the big fish.

I did enroll in a few courses and enjoyed a few educational tools but I was still overwhelmed and continually unfulfilled. And as I looked at another e-course last year around the Holidays knowing we didn’t have the money, I said “Stop” ! There’s something up here.Drawing with Daddy on Shalavee.com

What was I really looking for ?” I asked myself. Because while I said I wanted to “find myself”, I suspected what I really wanted was someone to tell me what I was good at and to spell my life out for me. Tell me what to do. And that probably isn’t going to happen ever from anyone online or off.

It’s not up to “them” to find your purpose out for you and then dissuade you from taking their course. You need to dig deep and decide what you truly need to discover. If you discover that what they’re offering is the exact final piece to your puzzle, well then have at it. My gut told me that wasn’t happening with this course or any other then or ever.butter buliding with Eamon on Shalavee.com

Seems my life has been more about proving what I’m not than finding out what I am. So much energy spent reacting to others and seeking approval from others that I never truly knew myself. And I further suspect that, until I have permission to do so, I’m not allowed to find a purpose. And I suspect that this may be a problem many other women experience.

If we are raised by a society that asks us to be only caretakers, then we may completely dismiss our own desires as un-purposeful. Figuring out who we want to be may be the first thing we blow off in figuring out our life goals. This sounds selfish, superfluous, and silly because we don’t have permission to consider this. If we’re “good girls”, we do as we’re told and care-take the people with more reasonable purposes and dreams (our husbands). Or we care-take our helpless loved ones (our babies and our elders). Not that those aren’t noble purposes, they just might not have been chosen by us intentionally. 

So then considering ones life’s purpose and goals is like jumping the shark.  It makes no sense within the context of what we and our clans may expect of us. And if we do choose to head there and away from these expectations, we may need a lot of support and positive mirroring and permission to even consider this a possibility.Architecture with butter on SHalavee.com

I can tell you that I’ve felt rather like a blind bird flailing about in a dark cage. As if I’m searching for the opening by using the Force. My intuition and what others have to say are often my guides to changing some of my first beliefs about myself from “Not enough” and “Can’t” to “Talented Girl with Purposeful Possibilities ahead”. And that this process of establishing purpose and identity takes as long as it takes. One step at a time.

If you missed it, I sussed out my Why in this recent post. And I think your Why is interchangeable with your Purpose. So what’s yours? And is the method by which you’re achieving an understanding of it satisfactory or frustrating? And is that because you are asking the wrong job to fulfill that purpose? And what if I had the power to say you could do what you really wanted to, what would you say/feel then?

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Save

Most Importantly, Why?

You may remember, or I’m informing you now, that last March I taught a blogging workshop. My premise and guiding theme for this was “Your Why is your How”. Because sometimes we get so bogged down with the how of a thing, we forget that the why will get us through all the hows we ever meet. What I said in my post-mortem about my workshop was,”(the hows) are secondary. It’s your whys, or maybe your why nots, that will lead you to or will thwart you from starting a blog. We acquiesce to our bossy fears claiming it’s our hows that are our problem. But I propose ‘I can’t because I don’t know how’ is subterfuge.”puddle hopping on Shalavee.com

And ironically, I hit a wall with writing submissions a while back. I had continued to submit writing pieces to the types of sites that weren’t quite me. And I kept feeling that loser outcast sting every time I was rejected. It was like some horrible self-denegrating loop and then I was just done. I’d proven that I was in fact not a good enough writer and I no longer even understood why I’d wanted so badly to be published in the first place. Not worth the pain and agony, time and effort. Until I saw a site that really did fit the type of writing I do. And then I was even more terrified.

Minnie at the playground on Shalavee.com

What’s my Why? Why do I want to write? Why do I want to publish? What is the pay-off for continuing such painful torture? This was the subject I decided to mull and discuss with myself while I had a long drive to make the other day. And this is what I came up with.

I thought , why can’t my Why be altruistic? To share my thoughts and hopes for the sole purpose of inspiring someone, anyone. Helping someone out of a life rut. And then I asked, what is my own why for reading and following the people I do? And this is what I answered (out loud in the car where no one could hear me but me):

  • To be inspired

  • to find answers

  • to spark process

  • to learn a step

  • to gather the “aha” knowledge

  • to connect and make friendships that provide inspiration and validation

So I then thought, switch those around and claim them.

I write and create to :

  • Inspire

  • Offer my answers and solutions

  • Spark others’ process

  • Learn, while I’m writing, what I think or feel about something

  • Offer my knowledge for others to then gather

  • To validate and connect with others

To be of service to a community is a great thing. And that is truly where my heart lies. So much so that I think that I don’t want to spoil that by selling anything. That somehow my selling would cheapen my altruism? But the next chapter to learn is about valuing myself enough to appreciate that others are always valuing me even when I don’t. And often they have wanted to be supportive of me if only I’d give them an opportunity to do so. And everyone, except me, understands that bills need to be paid…with money…that you earn.

Stick around lovely people and see what happens with that.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Reflection : The Knowing Equals the Going

I needed to write these words to a friend on Instagram today. I needed to hear myself say them. I started with a quote that keeps returning to my brain.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin–

Reflection on Shalavee.com

This is where I’ve felt I’ve been for a long time. Gaining momentum and brilliance and then putting it into check. Questioning why, refusing to answer myself or focus or aspire. All in response to the perfectly respectable “But” kind of reasons. I’m tired of the paralysis. Because when I decide, I’m gone Daddy gone. But while I’m idling here, all I see is the work others are making happen. The knowing equals the going.”

I’m in a mood to move and to mull. Today on one of two Instagram picture challenges I’m involved in, I was prompted by the word Reflect. I’ve done this my whole life but specifically this past week I’m narrowing in on my Why. Considering and writing out why I need to become more professional at some of what I do. This is what I wrote, “Today I thought a lot about what I’m here to do. I’ve pondered purpose, querying my Why, recognizing that I can no longer stay where I am in this weird stasis of not claiming me. This art challenge, and a webinar on email list strategies I watched yesterday, are showing me some truths I can’t deny. Fortune favors the Bold …with talent and a plan. I finally feel I’ve proven I’m a talented WRITER, I’m reminding myself I’m an ARTIST, and I’d like to be inspiring more people than I am. So soon, I will ask for your support. So I can continue my hard work and with reinvigorated redirected purpose. Love to each one of you !!! “

Reflection on Shalavee.com

The other challenge is the collage a day one and has me proving once and for all that I can stand there and pull art out of my butt. I am a creative who needs to create daily. And although I do that with many other mediums every day, real arting mediums are very satisfying.

Feeling very proactive yesterday, that workshop on increasing my email list I listened to taxed the other side of the brain. After taking copious notes, I realized it really isn’t that hard to increase my subscribers. The difficulty and what’s holding me back has been in figuring out why I would want to ask people to subscribe. That I have to claim my worth to ask for people to like it. To like me. Or to reject me.

And then I am given an answer for my why by this quote offered to me by a random but wise and lovely reader in a comment to my post on Instagram. The quote is by Marianne Williamson. I have read it before but today it means more.Reflection on Shalavee.com

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” —Marianne Williamson—

That finding our purpose, our dharma, our nature, and meaning for existence will bring us such peace and contentment, is one of those life lessons and goals that they don’t teach us in school.  Yet scrutinizing our reflection in our future is the one thing that can make the difference between wandering around unhappily asking people to tell you who you are and making room for yourself in places that make you mostly happy. I’m all for working hard but getting pointed in the right direction helps. Thank you friends and Universe. I’ll try to be more patient and nice to myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

« Previous Entries Next Entries »

top