search
top

Is My Life a Problem or a Pleasure?

I woke up this morning doubting my ability to accurately decide if I was living a good life. “Is my life a problem or a pleasure”, I asked myself. I questioned my decision on this day being a good one or a bad one because I truly hadn’t lived any of it yet. Yet, how often do my thoughts on my life then immediately lead to feelings about my life, good or bad? 

What we focus on, be it the things that we need to “fix” or the things that we’re grateful for, determines our feelings about our lives. How we feel about our life is all we have to decide if we like living them or not. Having the “trappings” of a good life, like wealth or social status, does not guarantee that inside, people still don’t feel good about their lives.

If I decide that my life is hard and problematic, then I’m probably not going to be enjoying my life as I await the next thing to go wrong or the shoe to drop. Waiting for catastrophe is a choice I made for a long time.

Is My Life a Problem or a Pleasure? on Shalavee.comBut is I decide that I am living a charmed life, which I surely am, and that I have it pretty good today, then I am able to smile and appreciate my day more and be grateful for the pleasure of living this lie. How many times do you see other people grumbling and ungrateful and you think, “Don’ t they know how lucky they are?” That’s all of us. Each of us able to enjoy and be grateful for our gifts every day, not just at Christmas. A half full day awaits you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout

It’s been two weeks since the anxiety episode that hijacked my heart and silenced my soul. It wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a crisis of confidence. I’ve had these before. And after I took myself to the doctor’s to ask for some pharmaceutical help and did all the various and assorted self-care activities I could, I’ve just been sitting back and taking it easy. Listening to and watching what my inner-self needs. Not overtaxing myself with have tos but asking what I want to do instead.

Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout on Shalavee.com

Perspective is always a good friend if you allow it to come in and stand with you as time passes. And what I realized was that I have been telling myself a story about how OK I was when I wasn’t. I was passing myself as “doing great” when I wasn’t always doing great. I was so frustrated because I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in fighting my anxieties and having this spell felt like I’d never gotten anywhere.

Again, another cognitive distortion. I self-sabotaged some major progress by expecting myself to be all in, there already, safe and confident on a high platform away from the fear lions. And there was no voice loud enough to shout me in from the doubt storm as it spiraled out of control shaking me with doubt and grief and shame. “Why do I even try? I put myself in harm’s way. I am a fraud.”

It’s two weeks later, and although I no longer feel like a fraud, I’m still trying to find my footing. My therapist is my own personal wonder woman handing me perspective and tools. And she asked me “What’s your Purpose?”. I said,”I Dunno”. So we’re starting there.

Stuff certainly happens. Regularly. And it’s always up to us to translate what it means, to tell our own story about where we are and what we need to do next. I wanted to run away from all my aspirations. But I let myself sit and watch and what I think I’ve done is blow some unreal expectations out of the water and made room for some compassionate wisdom instead.

I’m just letting go of what doesn’t serve me presently and caring for myself through this fallout. I feel the numbness subsiding and the hope wanting to seep in again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Evil Organizer/Date Planner

I have a love/hate relationship with my Virgoan tendencies. While I do love to have things orderly and organized, it can often be a double-edged sword. Because not having things uber-organized can make me feel like a loser. The tale of my love/hate relationship with my evil organizer/date planner follows.

For two years for my birthday I bought myself the Get To Work Book. It’s a bit pricey for a calendar and organizational book but the author Elise Joy is lovely and an artist and I thought it would be just the thing to get myself more orderly and more productive. And at times it did that exact thing. But mostly I ended up feeling like a loser.

I guess I’m an all or nothing kinda gal. I’m all in or go home. And the fact that I couldn’t keep up with my own intentions to succeed (don’t mention that I just had a wicked case of fear of visibility and vulnerability) made me loathe myself just that much more. As if I needed any other reasons. I didn’t order the 2017-2018 Get to Work Book to prove that I could succeed in life without it. And I did.

So this year, with new intentions and goals, I got a new organizer that touts its organizational prowess. And for the first couple days I was feeling mighty organized. I was getting stuff done. And then I hit the bump. Where my best laid plans got derailed because there just wasn’t enough time to do everything I wanted to do. And that familiar disappointed feeling came on again.The Evil Organizer/Date Planner on Shalavee.com

I knew I’d let myself down. Where I get stuck with looking at the same task and procrastinate on it because it feels so so big and impossible. The task that my self-worth has hung on for years. And I’m tempted to toss the new organizer on a neglected shelf. But I don’t. Because I think there’s stuff here that I need to get comfortable with. Stuff I need to get intimate with to learn from.

I saw a driveway today doubled up with two rows of cars that looked like they were all in need of some sort of repair. And I realized that that’s my mental driveway. With that many tasks to do, it will never look like I’m succeeding even though I am. In fact the opposite may be true. The amount of accomplishments I do get done daily is staggering considering all that is on my plate. And I’m the only one who can’t see this.

So I will choose to drop back and get a fresh perspective on my over-achieving ways. It isn’t the planner’s fault (although the papers too thin to use anything other than pencil or a ballpoint pen otherwise is will bleed through.) The organizational tools that we use are only as good as our intentions in using them. And if mine doesn’t allow for my life to also happen while I’m being “productive” then I need to re-frame what it’s doing in my life again.

PS. Just as I had finished writing this piece, into my inbox came the notification that the New 2019 Get To Workbooks were ready to be pre-ordered. And I did exactly that. Respect the Ebb and Flow indeed. The hard things are not about the datebook.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Want to Honor Myself

The word honor suddenly asked to be thought of. What does it mean to me I wondered, to honor myself, my life. To treat myself with reverence and respect unlike my usual lack of respect and general pushing to do. What if I allowed myself to respect and revere and see myself and what I am here to do daily? How would that effect my outlook, my daily doing?

I often envy others their perspective. They can see their lives and what they are here for and how beautiful their day is. They capture it in their art and their social media and their words. Or are they just faking it? Because that is definitely a thing. I long to know what it feels like to almost cavalierly comprehend the meaning of my existence to me.I Want to Honor Myself on Shalavee.com

Without a reference for who we think we are, we are lost. If like me, your point of reference was a parent, you may be a lost adult struggling to see your value and worthiness in a larger world. But it is the fight to find yourself and your purpose and your value which is the truest most noble fight worth taking on. In fact we really don’t have a choice. We are otherwise just existing and surviving.

I long to know what it feels like to almost cavalierly comprehend

the meaning of my existence

So I ask again, what is it that I want to honor within myself and give back to my children and the communities I live in? I want to honor my offer of perspective and wisdom, of process and hope, of beauty and kindness, and of honesty and compassion. What you value in me, I hope to come to value as well. What do you value in you? Are these the same attributes as others see you to own?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance?

At any given moment, we have at least these two choices : we can set to work on the tasks we see ourselves in need of accomplishing to get to where we think we want to go. Or we can give up on ourselves and decide the effort is not worth it. Or we’re not worth the effort. When you don’t feel worthy of the effort, you live a lifetime of giving up.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance? on Shalavee.com

I asked myself, what is more difficult, giving up on yourself or giving yourself a chance? You’d think that working toward something , be it a better life or self-esteem or a relationship with yourself would be harder work than giving up. But I think the opposite is true.

I believe it is harder work resigning yourself to your lack of worth for the effort. Believing in your complete lack of value is the hardest most painful work of all. To continue to endure your devaluation of yourself is very tough to do and yet, this is what it means to have low self-esteem. Everyday you resign yourself to being less than. You tell yourself you aren’t worth the effort. You recreate what you believe the world told you when you were little.

When you don’t feel worthy of the effort,

you spend a lifetime giving up.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance? on Shalavee.com

I stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t feel worth the effort to leave. I gave up everyday on me and my need to find happiness. But the staying was so much more work than the leaving eventually ended up being. Perpetuating hopelessness is exhausting.

Telling the truth is actually way easier than maintaining a lie. I chose to recognize that the bad relationship was a reflection of my sucky self-worth. And that I was choosing to keep myself in pain with it and I could be done and no longer choose it. Life got immensely easier after that. And I discover that every time I work hard towards a goal which I’m excited about, the thrill and pride I feel for myself show me that was the easiest work I could have done.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

« Previous Entries

top