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My Fear of the Pain and Fearing the Pain Would Stay

There was a lot of physical pain and fear taking up space in my house this year. Both me and my cat were experiencing our own pain and fear nightmares at the beginning of the Summer. And I’ve since really understood how the feeling of pain can manifest into a more fearful outlook on the world. And mess you up.

This Summer was to be the Summer that I took care of myself. I swore in the beginning to follow through with all the procedures I needed to fix the problems with my SI joints and my sinuses as best I could. It took me all Summer and a dozen appointments and I made progress, but I also lived some fear too.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, my poor cat Peewee, who was feral when we found her as a kitten two days after Christmas in 2007 on our back porch, has shade of freak out in her anyway, began to act more weird. She was more skittish and began to pee outside the cat box. I ignored it for a little while as we took our vacation but I knew I needed to wrangle her and take her to the vets. The getting her into a carrier is a dreadful undertaking of sheer strength and will. But once there, the doctor tested her urine and sure enough, she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Well I know these really hurt. And her treatment was antibiotics and some Valium.

In those few days while that cat was on her kitty downers, she was completely different. She was much less freaked out by her surroundings. She was very affectionate and dear. And it had me thinking about the pain as it manifests into fear, it changes your personality. How can you not filter your input and understanding of the world through the pain you feel?The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, I was really holding my breath that the new doctor and the subsequent shots I received in my SI joints would ease my pain. My fear of this not happening had me on guard all Summer and so nervous. My expectations were in charge. In the end, I now know I will have to pursue further types of treatment. But the pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, it’s just not gone.  I know what my options are, it’s a matter of following through with them. I’m avoiding a fusion surgery until I have to. But that fear and the pain, it definitely had me making bad choices to numb myself out. A glass too many of wine and less and less exercise (plus sinus surgery had me have a seat for two weeks.)

I consequently lost parts of my confident self with the ongoing pain. I became less me with the pain and the fear. Smaller somehow. I am recovering now. Have adjusted my expectations of what I can expect and what I need to do next. Do your best, let go of the rest.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

This issue on a larger scale? You can’t have a population or community feel strong and make a difference if they can’t treat their pain and have hope to be rid of it. I don’t mean self-medicating with narcotics. I mean genuine health care and mental health services. And the population has to feel they deserve to receive it. That their worthy of this care. The healthcare issues are so much more than they seem. While other countries agree to the inherent worth and dignity of their citizens, we’re having some problems with this of late in the US.

The problem is bad enough that people who even have healthcare refuse to use it to take care of themselves because of out-of-pocket costs, our lack of self-worth feels sad. It almost takes an act of Herculean strength to drag yourself out of that place and act as if you were worth the care. But every single living person is worth the care.

My new motto is Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be. Enjoy this slightly bumpy ride via YouTube.

 

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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The Soul Buffer Zone

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what it would be like to have a “soul buffer zone”. Having been raised codependent and since having children, my boundaries are a little wiggly. And the thought of having space around me that I keep myself safe within is really appealing to me. In fact it’s downright necessary if I’m ever going to make my life the zen experience I long for.The Soul Buffer Zone on Shalavee.com

The idea is that there’s a mental space between you and the outer world. And you intentionally maintain that by not letting people make demands on you, by not applying what is going on in the outside world to you, and by taking care of yourself so you feel kept safe by you. People’s comments or ideas are outside of you and you decide if you want to let them in. How about writing them down for consideration later even.

We are so besieged by information and demands from our internal and external worlds that we’re exhausted. When my daughter got sick simultaneously coinciding with a snowstorm, I definitely suffered from some post traumatic stress. I couldn’t escape. And what if we do that to ourselves regularly by not allowing for things to bounce off of us. Eventually, we are exhausted by osmosis.The Soul Buffer Zone on Shalavee.com

So I am going to be extra mindful this year about padding myself, creating things to look forward to, talking with my soul sisters face to face, and granting myself permission for time off. Demanding the same from my family. I think they could use to miss me and my efforts and become a little more appreciative. I’m creating a soul buffer zone because my happiness is worth it and other people’s happiness is based on it.

(Pictures in memory of Pama’s shop Moonvine which shut down this past February).

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Time Alone With Me

It was like waiting for a fix. That last moment when the children were buckled up, the car door was closed, and I was waving goodbye from the porch. I could almost hear the shriek of glee in my brain at the thought of being free for a few hours in my own house where I’d been captive for the Thanksgiving holiday with a sick child. Post traumatic stress was threatening to move in again like it did when she was little and sick during the snowstorm. And I wanted no part of that feeling of disengagement and numbness again.time alone with me on Shalavee.com

All I want for my birthday and Christmas and Mother’s Day is time to myself. Time to write and catch up on email reading and play in my craft room. One day I may even like to watch a movie but it always feels wonderful to sit down and write. To schedule and sketch and think and hope. The luxury of all this was lost on my single self. Not now. Not ever again.time alone with me on Shalavee.com

I am savoring the rush and jangle of the heat vents, the puddles of sunshine in the house, that it’s 9:13 am and I’m still in my pajamas and there’s no one here that needs anything from me but me. And she’s getting her requests because she’s the most important person here today. At least for another hour before I have to go drink wine with my girlfriends. Woohoo!!!time alone with me on Shalavee.com

Hope you got you some you time too!!!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Rise Up To Meet Yourself Mama

I find I want to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I feel tired and wrung out from all the waiting on small people. I often hear myself say that if only… I had more time, more money, more childcare, I could …take more time to create, garden more, read more, think. Too many aspirations can be agonizing. And I extend my sympathies with each and every mother who wants to have a pity party for herself now, today, where she’s sitting. It’s agony on so many levels. we all start out knowing magic

I tried separating myself from these small crazy making beings. I tried to steal time before or after my day and then I made excuses for why I couldn’t. But what I think I was mostly doing was using them as an excuse to not try to do what I needed for fear I’d fail at my endeavors. And the thought that I used them to do that to myself makes my stomach churn.

As a Mama, I want to say it’s time to rise up and meet the challenge of what we need doing. With gentle strong powerful patience for ourselves and our children, we need to willfully move ourselves to the very next step above. You are more powerful than you remember. Don’t drop your plan for you by using them. Ride up to meet yourself on shalavee.com

Motherhood would never ask you to not be you. It asks you to be a better you. To be brave and to impress yourself. To make a plan you’d be proud to accomplish. Even if it takes you slow patient years to accomplish. You are the best mother when you use your role to model the self-respect, self-mentoring, and self-betterment processes and be a hero for both them and you. Being human, falling down and getting back up is a very noble process and one we owe ourselves and our children a chance to see us grab and run with.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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The Relentlessness of Motherhood

My go to word in describing parenting is relentless. My baby daughter, ungrateful and miserable, can cry at me at least ten times today, what feels like 70 percent of the day, beating me down further and further into defeat. The relentlessness is daunting.

You’re review is in. Fifty percent of today will not meet with her satisfaction and, according to her, you suck at parenting.

My top seven words to embody my experience with motherhood are:

  1. Chaos
  2. Temperance
  3. Perseverance
  4. Relentless
  5. Confusion
  6. Patience
  7. Exhaustion

All problems could be solved, you think, if only I had their money or their family. Those people with their 5 extra family members to spread out the stress of the 16 plus hours a-grueling-day of care-taking and giving. If only I had their time and money to buy nicer clothing to cover up my ever-widening butt until I could hire that trainer to help me widdle it down. For now, I wear my ill-fitting sweats, placing my greying thinning hair into something up-ish. My nails and cuticles dry and ragged for lack of care. I have that look of survival and neglect. That wild look that says I’ve thought about fleeing in my fantasies. The dull look of disbelief that this will get better no matter how many times people insist it will. Beaten and hopeless is all the rage in the truthful Mommy circles.At the grocery store years ago on Shalavee.com

If only I had the money to buy a SUV that I could comfortably load and buckle my child into without having the rain soak my back. Then I’d slip into the front seat and drive smoothly away to drop my privileged child off at that member of the care-taking team whose day it was to take them. Or I’d hire a housekeeper/child care-taking person as a stunt double so I could escape and make art or do lunch or have beauty salon time. Where’s my miracle money? My large ever-loving family? Where’s my get out of hardship free card?

No I won’t be looking forward to “taking care of myself” with a kale and flax smoothie tonight. Instead I’m thinking of making pasta with gravy, cheese, and deep-fried potatoes and a side of beef so that I can feel an ounce and moment of comfort that I never feel in my day-to-day existence. Wash it down with a 12oz glass of Shiraz and pray I can stay awake to watch any escapism television.Baby Fiona on Shalavee.com

Why is it wrong to want it to be easier than this? To want the release of the hardship and grinding daily agony. I want to feel light and unencumbered. I want privilege instead of lack. I want a child who doesn’t make me constantly feel like I’m failing her. I want to stand here in the winner’s circle and not the survivor’s circle. Like my mother did. Like hers before her. Because deep down I don’t believe there’s any other way for it to be but hard.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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