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Struggling to Not Drown in the Fear Posing as Overwhelm

Today was a Monday back at the desk. I have been waiting all weekend to be free to write. And when I sat down and got myself organized, I found myself distracted and off-roading into a lathered dither about a snaffu I’m having with my pictures. I’m unhappy at not being able to do something the way I want to and created a Sabotage by overwhelm.

I’ve noticed that fear cleverly disguises itself as many seemingly logical and legitimate concerns and reasons to not do things. In my piece A Woman’s Worth, I describe how easy it is to run away from who you could be on your own and hide behind your value as a role not a person. Mother, wife, or even political volunteer can be a place to hide from stepping out and being who you truly could be but feel too vulnerable, to dependent, to afraid to do so.Struggling to Not Drown in the Fear Posing as Overwhelm on Shalavee.com

I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too.

The easiest lies to buy are “I don’t have enough” time or money or experience. We buy these all day from others telling themselves by telling us. But the hard excuses are the ones where you just don’t feel like you have anything of worth to contribute. You are just as worthless as you’ve always suspected and so why try. When you have low self-esteem you spend a lifetime giving up. No matter how much you’ve proven you can, you can’t.

I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too. I will set my goals, reduce the clutter, and take advantage of this time to move forward and be proud of my progress. And keep my eye out for the potholes of distraction and overwhelm.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Woman’s Worth

( This piece was published a year and a half ago in May of 2107 and yet I thought of it the other day and when I happened upon it today, I knew it needed to be re-shared. Feel your truth and spread it wide).

She got onto a fancy white SUV parked next to me in the Royal Farm Store parking lot. She carried herself well, had a few tattoos on her arms, but the lyrics of the song she was blasting from her car radio made me wince. A man rapped about getting or not getting something that starts with a P and is another word for a kitty cat or, in this instance, a female anatomy part. I am appalled at that term and the concept of women’s worth reduced to a single anatomic part and that this was acceptable to her.

My strongest feeling was empathy for the idea that,  as women,  we are not valued for anything more than what we value ourselves for. So that if our sexual power is what we value ourselves for, then so will the world. And if we see our ability to be a mother and take care of our family as our only valuable trait then we find it hard to see ourselves any other way. We may say we resent the stereotypes but until we own our the role we are casting ourselves in, we will continue our subjugation.

I have played both the roles of sexual object and supermom and discovered I have used these roles as an excuse to not risk those leaps that would be only for me and my benefit. The kind of risks that would mean me shining all alone for who I am and not just for how I’m defined in relationship to others. This is a whole weird concept for so many of us.

As a person, I need to be and do things that are separate from other people. Especially after becoming a Mom, I felt a desperate urge to be just me somewhere else. But the truest lesson I know I’m learning is how little ones will only do as I do, not as I say. So, if you say to your children, go forth and explore the world and who it is to be you, but you don’t ever do that for yourself, you are an unreliable source. And you’ll guarantee they will do the opposite of what you tell them and the same as what you do.http://shalavee.com/mothering-thirds/

Every brave thing I’ve done since having children was heavily influenced by the idea that they would catch my low self-esteem like some contagion. I practice what I preach, lead by example, and try to mirror what I think a woman and a mother can be. Sometimes I get it right too. The largest lesson I can give my daughter is to never accept anyone else’s definition of her if she isn’t comfortable with it. She is not an object. She can not be owned by a person or a word. And I think little sassafras has already got a good head start on this defiance.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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It Was (Only) Emotional Abuse

I used to think that things weren’t as bad off in my first marriage as so many other scary marriages. I only suffered emotional abuse. Only. Until I realized that living with emotional abuse is not an Only.

Maybe it was my way of coping or staying there by dumbing it down and trivializing it. But living inside the ugly bubble of anger and despair, bullying and cruelty was the darkest place I’ve ever lived. And those bruises on my soul? They were black and self-induced. Because I chose it.

It was not Ok then and although I’m OK now, it’s still not OK. Does it have to be OK? I guess if I didn’t want to be embarrassed for being abused then I should keep it quiet. Because I did choose it after all. It was the bed I made to sleep in. Wait, when are the victims to blame? Never.

When we feel empowered to make a choice based on knowing our own worth then we are acting on our own behalf. I can tell you I still battle with self-worth and choice. But I’m doing so very much better. My life now is very very different from then. It is gentle and hopeful. It feels safe and sane.It Was (Only) Emotional Abuse on Shalavee.com

One last note, with the emotionally abused, there’s never a reprieve. Whereas in physically abusive situations, there’s often a honeymoon period when the abuser is remorseful and there’s a lull before it starts again, with emotional abuse, it’s 24/7 and 365 days a year. It can wear you down to a thin person on the inside.

By telling my story, I hope to convey that feeling bad about yourself and making bad choices doesn’t make you a lesser human being or any less worthy of compassion. Feeling bad about yourself just means that you need to figure out your own way to feeling better. Your potential and your value and your worthiness of happiness are equal to every other person’s on the planet.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance?

At any given moment, we have at least these two choices : we can set to work on the tasks we see ourselves in need of accomplishing to get to where we think we want to go. Or we can give up on ourselves and decide the effort is not worth it. Or we’re not worth the effort. When you don’t feel worthy of the effort, you live a lifetime of giving up.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance? on Shalavee.com

I asked myself, what is more difficult, giving up on yourself or giving yourself a chance? You’d think that working toward something , be it a better life or self-esteem or a relationship with yourself would be harder work than giving up. But I think the opposite is true.

I believe it is harder work resigning yourself to your lack of worth for the effort. Believing in your complete lack of value is the hardest most painful work of all. To continue to endure your devaluation of yourself is very tough to do and yet, this is what it means to have low self-esteem. Everyday you resign yourself to being less than. You tell yourself you aren’t worth the effort. You recreate what you believe the world told you when you were little.

When you don’t feel worthy of the effort,

you spend a lifetime giving up.

Is It Harder to Give Up on You or Give You a Chance? on Shalavee.com

I stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t feel worth the effort to leave. I gave up everyday on me and my need to find happiness. But the staying was so much more work than the leaving eventually ended up being. Perpetuating hopelessness is exhausting.

Telling the truth is actually way easier than maintaining a lie. I chose to recognize that the bad relationship was a reflection of my sucky self-worth. And that I was choosing to keep myself in pain with it and I could be done and no longer choose it. Life got immensely easier after that. And I discover that every time I work hard towards a goal which I’m excited about, the thrill and pride I feel for myself show me that was the easiest work I could have done.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Edit Your Story and Persist with Faith Like Cinderella

The story that is our life, up to a certain point, is written and told by others. We do not choose our parents or where we are born or the social status we are born into. Nor do we have control over who keeps us alive and what they teach us as littles. Our lives are a given in many ways and at least we can be grateful for our chance to exist. But then the story becomes ours to tell. 

Cinderella was loved and wanted when she was born. But bad things can happen to nice people. And the reverse is also true. We can be born into chaos and find a way to rise from the ashes. In my own personal experience, holding tightly to the resentment of my unlucky creation and existence doesn’t serve me. It keeps me routed to where I was and not able to move forward.Endure and Persist Like Cinderella on Shalavee.com

I would also say that a little adversity creates personal character. Cinderella is interesting because she somehow holds that love she had as a child and endures the cruelty with a faith for her future. We would expect her to want revenge for the ill-doings of the step-people but instead her inner-beauty is what gives her a chance to rise. Were she to hate them, she’d just be slumming with the haters instead of rising above as she does.

There aren’t any fairy godmothers per se, but I believe we can create our own hope and magic. And it starts with the basic understanding that we are all worthy of the effort and the hope. The only way I’ve moved on from my darkness is to maintain a blind faith that I was worth the work it has taken to get here. As if I was my daughter, an odd but profound thought.Endure and Persist Like Cinderella on Shalavee.com

As parents, and as women, we are teachers by example. Knowing that what I do is so much more powerful than what I say, I rise with as much power as I can to my life and the occasions I am creating to grow. Because deep down, even with devastating self-doubt and low self-esteem I suffered from, I still believed that this life was worth working on. And it is within my power to change my perceptions and choices and shift my life in directions of empowerment instead of self-destruction.

As women, I don’t think we will make any progress shifting our power back to ourselves until we acknowledge that we are much more than our circumstances and that our worth is a given worth fighting for. The rest of the process is figuring out how we rise as individuals to add our wealth of selves to the collective. What do we each need to learn about compassion and courage to continue our journeys to become who we authentically are? That is our real goal and the path that lights us on fire to our destinies.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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