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Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You

It continuously occurs to me that the better I know myself, the better I can understand my value to the world and to you whoever you might be. When I connect with me I can connect with you. And becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You on Shalavee.com

I envy those people (all except the narcissists) for knowing what they are and the strengths that they bring to what they do in their lives. What a gift to have such confidence in what you are, your strengths, your gifts, and your purpose. No, not everyone has this.

Some, like me, grew up with hazy mirrors reflecting back their self-worth. Or no mirrors. And it can be very difficult to build something when you don’t have a recipe or a plan for it. Why would you even try or know where to begin?

Becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

We had a little old cat who was skittish and had never been petted. Until one day I snuck a pet in. And she liked it. A lot. It took her 15 years to find out how great affection was. And then she was a pet junkie. How do you know something even exists unless you have felt it? Same with self-esteem. 

Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You on Shalavee.com

Building self-esteem is like building something from air sometimes. You take it on faith that you need to build self-esteem and that it will work if you keep working it but it’s an act of faith. Without the faith you’re worth it,  you’re not. See? Your actions prove your value but your value isn’t there yet. What I have noticed recently is that the surer I feel about myself, the easier it is to speak with others. I come from a place of knowing and this brings me ease. And I am all about the ease.

I don’t doubt my need for self-esteem building so that I may understand my weight and purpose in this world. Knowing and fulfilling my value to my fellow humans is one of the most important tasks/jobs I will ever have. And so I fight ever onward in the invisible storm of developing myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Was Worthless

I have come to understand that the two areas of me that need the most work are self-trust and self-value. I believe that my lack of self-trust is what causes anxiety. And my lack of self-value is otherwise known as low self-esteem or self-worth.

It struck me the other day that I have truly believed for a long time that I am worthless. I almost laughed at the ludicrousness of this concept.

As children, we believe what we do about ourselves based on what our world shows us. Everything reflects our worth. And if my parents weren’t available to shower me with unlimited love right when I needed it, it must have reflected my lack of worthiness. And that stuff sticks around. The inner child’s decision of worthlessness will not be dissuaded because they are all ego, the center of the universe. Absolute importance or unimportance.

For 10 years, I have been working on raising my self-esteem. But while I could see these parts of me that I disliked and wanted to rid myself of, I was powerless to move from this magnetic grip that my low self-esteem had on me. I was tethered to my recognitions of my worthlessness. Because that is how it always has been. Until I released myself.

The one two punch combination against my worthlessness began with understanding that I was bullying myself. That no man has ever oppressed me as well as I have oppressed myself. And I proceeded to shower compassion down on myself. And then I chose to alleviate my anxiety with my last resorted option : medication.

I have always had a knife to my throat as nothing I ever did was good enough. But now I have been released from my tether to my not good enough thoughts. Instead of seeing myself as fat, I see myself as pre-skinnier. I looked in the mirror the other day and caught sight of myself and thought that I was pretty. The fact that I can see the difference in the way I was as opposed to the way I feel now seems slightly miraculous. And I probably deserve a few miracles in my life

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Struggling to Not Drown in the Fear Posing as Overwhelm

Today was a Monday back at the desk. I have been waiting all weekend to be free to write. And when I sat down and got myself organized, I found myself distracted and off-roading into a lathered dither about a snaffu I’m having with my pictures. I’m unhappy at not being able to do something the way I want to and created a Sabotage by overwhelm.

I’ve noticed that fear cleverly disguises itself as many seemingly logical and legitimate concerns and reasons to not do things. In my piece A Woman’s Worth, I describe how easy it is to run away from who you could be on your own and hide behind your value as a role not a person. Mother, wife, or even political volunteer can be a place to hide from stepping out and being who you truly could be but feel too vulnerable, to dependent, to afraid to do so.Struggling to Not Drown in the Fear Posing as Overwhelm on Shalavee.com

I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too.

The easiest lies to buy are “I don’t have enough” time or money or experience. We buy these all day from others telling themselves by telling us. But the hard excuses are the ones where you just don’t feel like you have anything of worth to contribute. You are just as worthless as you’ve always suspected and so why try. When you have low self-esteem you spend a lifetime giving up. No matter how much you’ve proven you can, you can’t.

I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too. I will set my goals, reduce the clutter, and take advantage of this time to move forward and be proud of my progress. And keep my eye out for the potholes of distraction and overwhelm.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Woman’s Worth

( This piece was published a year and a half ago in May of 2107 and yet I thought of it the other day and when I happened upon it today, I knew it needed to be re-shared. Feel your truth and spread it wide).

She got onto a fancy white SUV parked next to me in the Royal Farm Store parking lot. She carried herself well, had a few tattoos on her arms, but the lyrics of the song she was blasting from her car radio made me wince. A man rapped about getting or not getting something that starts with a P and is another word for a kitty cat or, in this instance, a female anatomy part. I am appalled at that term and the concept of women’s worth reduced to a single anatomic part and that this was acceptable to her.

My strongest feeling was empathy for the idea that,  as women,  we are not valued for anything more than what we value ourselves for. So that if our sexual power is what we value ourselves for, then so will the world. And if we see our ability to be a mother and take care of our family as our only valuable trait then we find it hard to see ourselves any other way. We may say we resent the stereotypes but until we own our the role we are casting ourselves in, we will continue our subjugation.

I have played both the roles of sexual object and supermom and discovered I have used these roles as an excuse to not risk those leaps that would be only for me and my benefit. The kind of risks that would mean me shining all alone for who I am and not just for how I’m defined in relationship to others. This is a whole weird concept for so many of us.

As a person, I need to be and do things that are separate from other people. Especially after becoming a Mom, I felt a desperate urge to be just me somewhere else. But the truest lesson I know I’m learning is how little ones will only do as I do, not as I say. So, if you say to your children, go forth and explore the world and who it is to be you, but you don’t ever do that for yourself, you are an unreliable source. And you’ll guarantee they will do the opposite of what you tell them and the same as what you do.http://shalavee.com/mothering-thirds/

Every brave thing I’ve done since having children was heavily influenced by the idea that they would catch my low self-esteem like some contagion. I practice what I preach, lead by example, and try to mirror what I think a woman and a mother can be. Sometimes I get it right too. The largest lesson I can give my daughter is to never accept anyone else’s definition of her if she isn’t comfortable with it. She is not an object. She can not be owned by a person or a word. And I think little sassafras has already got a good head start on this defiance.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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It Was (Only) Emotional Abuse

I used to think that things weren’t as bad off in my first marriage as so many other scary marriages. I only suffered emotional abuse. Only. Until I realized that living with emotional abuse is not an Only.

Maybe it was my way of coping or staying there by dumbing it down and trivializing it. But living inside the ugly bubble of anger and despair, bullying and cruelty was the darkest place I’ve ever lived. And those bruises on my soul? They were black and self-induced. Because I chose it.

It was not Ok then and although I’m OK now, it’s still not OK. Does it have to be OK? I guess if I didn’t want to be embarrassed for being abused then I should keep it quiet. Because I did choose it after all. It was the bed I made to sleep in. Wait, when are the victims to blame? Never.

When we feel empowered to make a choice based on knowing our own worth then we are acting on our own behalf. I can tell you I still battle with self-worth and choice. But I’m doing so very much better. My life now is very very different from then. It is gentle and hopeful. It feels safe and sane.It Was (Only) Emotional Abuse on Shalavee.com

One last note, with the emotionally abused, there’s never a reprieve. Whereas in physically abusive situations, there’s often a honeymoon period when the abuser is remorseful and there’s a lull before it starts again, with emotional abuse, it’s 24/7 and 365 days a year. It can wear you down to a thin person on the inside.

By telling my story, I hope to convey that feeling bad about yourself and making bad choices doesn’t make you a lesser human being or any less worthy of compassion. Feeling bad about yourself just means that you need to figure out your own way to feeling better. Your potential and your value and your worthiness of happiness are equal to every other person’s on the planet.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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