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F*%ked up

You know, in many ways, I was less eff-ed up throughout my life than I thought I was. Understanding that much of my screwy self was created when I was little living in a dysfunctional family, I did well to come out with the drive to heal that I have. But in a few ways, I was a little more eff-ed up than I admitted I was. In fact, I think we all are. We’re all playing a grand game of “I’m Fine, See?”, but I’m not buying it.

Last year I was certain I was doing everything I possibly could to battle my anxiety. I have been in therapy always, I journal and confess, I read, I ruminate, and I witness with compassion my setbacks. Until suddenly, the fear monster overcame me and my heart was broken in my disbelief. And so I chose to do one more thing to find my way out. I asked for help.

F*%ked up on Shalavee.com

With my anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly felt “normal”. There was no more buzz of fear in my head. No more hum in the sound system that suggests a problem. And as thrilled as I was to no longer be suffering the daily doubt and need to fix me, I also felt like I had woken up in another country. When you think you know the language of life and suddenly you don’t. When it’s always hard and suddenly easy, you wait for the other shoe to drop.

Up to this point, I had been cultivating a theory on how increased creativity can decrease anxiety. Except, what I had truly experienced was that creativity couldn’t take care of the anxiety completely. I wanted it to but it wouldn’t. And I felt such doubt in what I had been working on up until then. So I have awaited a new perspective to allow me new understanding.

At the core, self-trust is what balances and battles anxiety. And however you gain that, that’s your personal answer. Whether it’s creativity, abstinence, habitual self-care, therapy, meditation, the powerful magic of tidying up even one drawer, medication, or any combination of these, the final goal is to be happy and to be less anxious. But what is so important is that we need to do whatever it takes regardless of the stigma f not being OK. Because that snobbish pride prevented me from being less anxious for a long time.

So I’ve decided I’ll go back to pieces and theories I’ve written and mull over what thoughts still resonate and what needs to be overhauled with my new perspective. Raging against the change will not stop it. All that’s left is to find a way to begin again. And then…begin again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Choice and My Recipe for Happiness

My Happiness is mine to choose. And as overwhelming as that seems in choosing what that looks like, I’d rather the chance to vote. So I’ve embarked to rewrite my life script and reprogram my thoughts about me and my life that apparently hadn’t been working for me for a long time. They didn’t have a plan for me. I had to make one up for myself.

It never occurred to me that I could choose happiness. I’d lived so long in misery by rules I assumed governed me, I saw no other choices. But there were so many choices I hadn’t allowed myself to make. Because I didn’t believe I had the worth and value to deserve happiness. If I were destined for that, I’d certainly have had a happy childhood. My fate was sealed in doom.My Choice and My Recipe for Happiness on Shalavee.com

Imagine my horror when I realized that I had a choice my whole life and I hadn’t let myself choose anything but misery. When I realized I had never committed any horrible crime worthy of serving this miserable life sentence I seemed to be serving. And when I saw that the unhappy low esteemed children we were made life assumptions that we continued to apply long past their expiration dates.

One by one I addressed the false truths I lived by and quelled my anxieties. I reached out from my isolation slowly and asked people I’d never met before to support me. And they did. I discovered that if I kept my eye on what I wanted, what made me happy, what I was thinking, I made better stronger clearer choices that aligned with my values and made me happy. And that my plan for me was like the recipe I’d always knew how to make but had never tried. This is me trying and sharing what I’m learning with you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Let’s Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Like

I spent such a huge part of my life feeling dread and misery that in the beginning of this whole life overhaul journey, I had to believe happiness wasn’t some BS made up Disney emotion. And then I had to figure out if I was worth this lovely gift. And when I finally decided that maybe I was, what does happiness feel like for me?

 

Since childhood, each of us has developed an entire dossier on our own happiness. Some items stem from the musings of a three-year-old, like chocolate for every meal and Daddy and Mommy getting back together. Some are American ideals like white picket fences and skinny bodies. But some may be so precious, we may never have even spoken them. Let's Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Lik

 

My arting and writing were two activities I denied myself to a painful point. But since I’ve been allowing for their regular expression, I can say that my happiness is truly dependent on these. Although I was dubious about marriage and children, I have come to discover that there are many more layers of wonder there than meet the eye.

Money and fame are extrinsic rewards that hold no glamour for me. Happiness is an intrinsic goal. However, Where I once shut down the possibility of making money and gaining any credit, I am beginning to open up to the concept that they are on a necessary pathway to the next steps of creativity and self-exploration.

For me, happiness is about being present in my life. If I’m doing something, I want to be OK with being there doing that. And if I can’t be, then I need to go about changing stuff and making choices so that I never need to feel that way again. Trusting myself to confidently sort through my life’s decisions has been one of the most rewarding accomplishments.Let's Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Lik

Happiness is about being with my kids and not being impatient with them because I think I have somewhere else to be (except maybe making their dinner). It’s about getting exercise, sleeping well, and cooking yummy food. And my ultimate happiness is to spend time with friends yapping and laughing and drinking a nice bottle of wine. Everything else is a plus happy. I’ve spent a lifetime fishing to feel what happiness felt like. I am making it up as I go and learning that not only do I deserve it and that it’s possible to be happy, but instead of buying into what others tell me should make me happy, I get to decided what makes me truly happy.

What makes you truly happy? Being surrounded by a certain color or immersed in a smell or sound? A certain place on earth? Tell me in the comments please.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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The Incomplete, the Ignored, and the Undone

There is a lot of incomplete, ignored, and undone tasks hovering over my head. I come across a pile of stuff in my closet or attic or bookshelf and I think , I don’t have the time to deal with this. Then multiply this by 100 and I’m kinda a captive of all the uncompleted piles of stuff. A prisoner of my past, my intentions, and my stuff.

Years of living reactively, of not completely cleaning up after myself, and of not knowing what to value has led to a slight hoarding problem. I get it honest from my family. I began my reformation 10 years ago when I shut my shop down. My story is here. And as processes are just that, I still have much to let go of. The Incomplete, the ignored, and the undone on Shalavee.com

It’s never been about the stuff. The stuff represents who you think you are. Or who you used to think you were or who you think you might want to be. The stuff represents the tension and your confusion between these undecided upon possibilities. I have been very concertedly attempting to better decide on who I am. I’m a work in progress and process.

Meanwhile, I picked up Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up recently. I started in a little clearing some of my clothing and folding my shirts in my drawers so that you can see all of them in a row. Very satisfying and I completely love that your decision criteria to hold or let go of what you own depends on whether you love it. Quite simply, does it bring you happiness?

The theme that is emerging in my life is Happiness. That what doesn’t make you happy isn’t worth the space either in your head or on your shelf. If the memory that you have when you hold the object makes you happy then “heck yeah” you should hold on to it. But if it only brings you confusion or sadness, then letting it go is an act of kindness.The Incomplete, the ignored, and the undone on Shalavee.com

I know there’s a button making gizmo in a box at the top of my closet which we used to make pins and magnets with our picture on it as wedding favors 15 years ago. A button maker is a really cool thing to have but I have never needed it since. And the life-size cardboard stand up of Han Solo frozen in carbonite? That makes me enormously happy. It reminds me of a life changing moment in my life in the movie theater at the age of 14. And my kids can do whatever they want with it after I’m gone.

Sometimes, we have to allow for things to be undecided and incomplete until we have shifted and chosen something else. Until we know ourselves better. I know this and so I often leave stuff alone and undecided upon until this happens, until it becomes clear what I need to do with my opportunities. My tendency is to collect options but that can wear me out quickly. Too many options is as bad as none. So my intentions for the year are to move through my space, my possibilities, and my stuff with an awareness of my happiness, my benefits, and my abundance. Less to look at and deal with is less brain clutter too. And I need the space to make better choices on my happiness in other areas of my life.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Deflecting Happiness

At the end of our therapy session, she said be aware of the clenching up and the anxiety you may get when things are going good. That’s to be expected when you heal your soul but be mindful of it so that you can take it in and move beyond it. I suddenly realized I had tensed up and wrung my hands when I’d said things were going well as I headed into the holiday season. Because that is unheard of. And now I’d claimed happiness was possible.

I watched a taped conversation between Oprah and Brene Brown where they were discussing how even when things are going well, you brace yourself for the disaster. You deflect joy by deflating it. I read about this in Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly late. Because we want to guard against the pain and disappointment that we may feel if we are hopeful and count our chickens. Deflect the good and it won’t hurt when it goes up in flames.deflecting happiness on Shalavee.com

So that the process of being happy, acknowledging my life is going better than it ever has is a very risky vulnerable thing to do. But there you have it. Where once Christmas was dreadful because it just meant more debt, now I have money in a savings account ready to pay for it. Where I once felt anxious every day about everything that I couldn’t control, today I have minor moments and mostly, I just don’t much care anymore what others’ are thinking.deflecting happiness on Shalavee.com

If you do your best, and you honestly and truly know it is, then you get to be happy. You get to sit back in the self-trust chair and rule your happy little kingdom called life. And let everyone else worry about all those things no one can control. Happy is an inalienable right I’m cashing in for the holidays. How about you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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