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Self Discoveries

My emergence from October’s rough seas was Venus-like with a clearer vision of lovely me. Full of gratitude and clarity, November was my month to “get it”. Do you remember the scene from City Slickers where the old cowboy Curly (Jack Palance) is telling Billy Crystal’s character that all he needs to do is find that one thing ? He then dies and we’re all left to wonder, what was it.

I found a chunk of “it” inside me that makes sense of me in the ‘outside of my brain’ world. It is Creativity with a capital ‘C’.  I need to create daily I declared. And so far, it’s been working out pretty well.

antique tray shoot from Shalavee.com

November was also the month I chose Abundance and Opportunity for my two new focus words. And when you focus on something, as I understand it, it manifests in your life because it has to. And then you have days like this. So the lessons I was learning about myself pertain to these words because that is where I wanted to show up and learn about myself.

First, with a quick intro to enneagrams,  I learned that I’m the kind of person to create and build up wonderful stuff full of potential. And then walk away from it just when it was getting ready to be the very thing that needed to happen to move me on. Because I get distracted or don’t value what I’ve made? I dunno. My life feels like it’s never taken off in the right direction. Just a bunch of stalls. But now I have begun to see all the parts that lay around me that could all be considered both abundance and opportunity. I’ve been overwhelmed by my abundance and didn’t value what I had. “It’s not getting what you want,” sings Sheryl Crow, “It’s wanting what you’ve got.”

beef stew on Shalavee.com

Then, in a conversation with my counselor, I also realized that I make situations harder than they need to be. “Why do you think I do that?” I ask. “Because it’s all you’ve ever known” she says. So simple. I make things hard. So I have made a conscious effort to make things simpler. And noticing the difference in the stress level when stuff doesn’t have to be so… perfect, cooked from scratch, or clean. And that my child doesn’t have to have every meal be well-balanced and an Elmo episode, or two, is good for both of us.

diningroom table from Shalavee.com

Putting the equation together in a daily practice suddenly became easier too. Thanks to inspiration from Jane Barry of That Curious Love of Green who said make the time for your stuff a priority and when you prioritize your creative time, everything else will end up getting done anyway. And thanks to a weird faith that has started to form around my understanding of my ability to pull off whatever I put my mind to, I’m making things happen. And that keeps me jazzed up enough to move on to the next challenge and perhaps a few more self discoveries. And sometimes I do it so quickly I don’t have anytime to pause. A rolling stone gathers no moss. But I really like moss so that’s OK too.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Gifts of Spirit and Five Good Things

Some months, that gratitude basket is empty and some, my basket is overflowing. Maybe some of my thankfulness is relief from getting through my October’s gauntlet of events alive. But the gratefulness keeps rolling in. Grief comes too but it’s easier to handle when your heart’s got spare mirth.

In honor of all my recent gifts of spirit, I’m doing a five things list to start the week off. It wraps up my random events and thoughts like making the most fabulous stew from my life thought leftovers.Jeanne and Me on Shalavee.com

  • On Saturday, I got to meet Jeanne. I began to follow her blog, Bees Knees Bungalow like three years ago after I began my blog. She is a garage sale guru who repaints and style her vintage finds so nicely. And I immediately knew, we were kindred spirits. She happened to be in Baltimore for a cruise with her mother throughout the Chesapeake Bay. Such a wonderful thing to meet up with a friend whom you’ve never met. And how amazing a gift to meet her and solidify the bond of our kindred spirits. Happy Birthday Lovely.

fall tray and bottle on Shalavee.com

  • Mark had a few employees over as an appreciation party on the same day. The fact that he’s been keeping his business going and it’s clientele is increasing is encouraging. He’s very good at what he does. His success is our success. He’s at that 3 year mark for On Your Mark Lighting. That’s the point when you decide whether to keep going or not.

cards for friends from Shalavee.com

  • I finished painting Fiona’s room. No excuses, no prisoners. And now I get to actually decorate it! And since I’ve promised myself to create everyday, all those projects I will share with you soon. I am looking forward to them.

fall foliage in the rain on Shalavee.com

  • My children are alive and so am I. Eamon got through his pneumonia and Fiona didn’t get it. And the husband took himself to a doctor in a timely fashion to get treated when his cold became instant infection. On my return drive from an appointment in Baltimore on Thursday in torrential downpours, I had a few scary hydroplaning moments on a major highway. This was the kind of trip where you are suddenly living in the moment until you make it home alive. I was never so happy to see my home and my un-napped daughter.

art in the kitchen on Shalavee.com

  • My husband stepped up for me on a couple of occasions this week. He watched Fiona and I was able to do what I needed to do. And he discovered that he can take and handle her anywhere, even keep both children relatively happy simultaneously, and he got a chance to earn his own Daddy badge for himself. Competency can only be earned by practice. We both needed to allow for that.

I am busy thinking a lot about what I am doing right and what I’d like to change. And I ‘m so very happy to know that I have your company dear reader. You get the first dish always.

Let the Good times Roll, Let them wash your rock and roll hair. Let the Good times Roll.” -The Cars-

Happiness Set Point

I had heard about this concept a while ago and then it faded from my memory as life’s interesting tidbits are apt to do. Recently, it came up again, I can not remember where, and I thought, I need to look into this concept again. The Happiness Set Point, aka and related to the Adaptation Level phenomenon and subjective well-being and hedonistic adaptation to positive and negative experiences.

It probably wouldn’t surprise you to know that I was a psychology major before I changed to Mass Communications in my Junior year. It may surprise you to know that my Father is a big wig in the psychology world developing his own personality test to aid companies in finding the best people within their own companies to do the job. I have always loved the concept of teasing apart the knot that seems to be our psyche and our behaviors. I’m a dabbler and this was my daily dabble.Happiness Set Point on Shalavee.com

When I found the definition to this theory, I was intrigued and horrified all at once. The Set Point Theory of Happiness, as summarized on The Changing Minds site, states that after the initial excitement settles down after you’ve won the lottery, you will revert back to being as neurotic or as extroverted as you were initially. You are who you are, be it your genetic propensity or environmental influences, an external stimulus will effect you temporarily. I say, unless there is some sort of profound spiritual and mental shift or changing of values, you will still be you through most of your life’s ups and downs. Happiness Set Point on Shalavee.com

I have been thinking how much of a Lady of Perpetual Discontent I seem to be. I’m always wanting to make it better,  be happier, and see clearer. Under it all, I think I waffle on the concept of “fixing” myself. That is another subject for another day. So it seems to me that my happiness set point, even though I do laugh a whole lot every day, isn’t as high as I’d like it to be. I would like to prescribe to more gratitude journaling, to writing permission slips for myself, and am endeavoring to take myself less seriously while also taking myself more seriously in the matters of my talents. Because using those is what really makes me happy. Even you can see that. And my husband says, if it doesn’t make you happy, then you’re not doing it right. Not so much do I need to fix it but change perspectives a little on how I see the life I am living at any given moment.

 

PS. I found this subject actually depressed me and I began to feel slightly hopeless. It seeped in me, a general unwellness that said, you’ll never get any better at doing this. And it took a sermon on Hope and sighting a fawn at the end out the window to realize I had in fact begun to feel that way.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Crossing the Transition Bridge

I wonder how it is possible that people all over the world can really know themselves and their talents well enough to do work that satisfies them. And also ask for the right payment. I wonder how people are making such an impact knowing their gifts and sharing them to help the world, themselves, and so many others at the same time. Because I struggle every day to get just the right angle, the right understanding of what it is I’m here to do.

selfie from below on Shalavee.com

I stepped back recently and reminded myself that when I need perspective on my gifts, I need to go to the kudos file I have and remember all the really kick butt awesome things people, often strangers even, have said to me that have made such a difference to my esteem.

I'm an artist selfie from Shalavee.com

Andrea was the one who told me that I really am a good enough a writer to be published in magazines. Mr. Jerry, a former magazine guy had already told me this. Linda at the drugstore said that my hair always looks good. Amanda said my writing is just as good as anything on Huff Post. Over our dinner at the brew pub, Jill sweetly gushed in telling me what a good writer I was. My Christmas tree for the church last year garnered such enthusiastic responses from people I admired and don’t usually hear from. I have felt pretty good about myself this year on several occasions.

Mark and I driving over the bridge on Shalavee.com

I forget who I am. As soon as I’ve felt the compliment goodness for a day, it begins to fade and I forget who I am and what it is I give to the world. If your internal image doesn’t fit the outside world’s, nothing sticks in there. There is an exchange of energy that I’m paying attention to now. I’ve gotta build up the bottom of the pit so stuff like compliments and esteem stay in it.

It's not you but who you think you're not fromtruthinmotherhoodblog via Shalavee.com

What purpose does it serve to have a self-esteem sieve? No risks and no change means no failure I suppose. But eventually it’s too painful to stay. A transition bridge is there for me to cross and it’s a hard one. As if I’m crossing it in the dark built on foundations of faith I’ve never had before. But I”m taking it one step at a time and adding the cross boards from the compliments of the lovely people given to me daily. The nails keeping it together are made from gratitude. Keep it coming Universe, keep it coming.

From Sucky To Ducky

I am a proud graduate of the Low-Self Esteem For Girls School. In a decade I’ve come from sucky to ducky. While I’m constantly aware that I still have a long way to go, I can feel and see where I have been. It was a lonely anxious place. A sort of emotional black hole from which one is fairly certain there’s no escape and you don’t deserve to anyway. That’s the continuous sucking vortex that is low self-esteem.

I saw this woman once. I can’t remember where it was but I feel like I was in my 20’s. She had an aura around her and she was the embodiment of “happy with herself”. I was transfixed. She wasn’t skinny or beautiful. She was in her thirties and maybe blond. All I remember is her flowy white linen pants. They seemed the ultimate in comfortable as she was within herself.

My childhood baking tin from Sucky to Ducky on Shalavee.com

I knew there was the possibility of more. I was angry that everyone acted like there wasn’t. More confidence, more happiness, less stress. Because I won’t create it unless I believe it exists.

As I’ve said before, I was invisible to myself. New relationships could be really hard to make because you don’t see what they see in you. You’re suspicious of people’s motivations. If you liked my sense of humor or artistic talent or something about me but I didn’t see that in me then I’m looking at you like what do you want from me? Which then gives the potential new friend a weird vibe that feels unwelcoming and paranoid. Because it is. And then he/she may decide that I am more trouble than I’m worth and Adios, see ya’ later, you ain’t worth all of that. And then I’m alone again saying, see I knew you weren’t the person you said you were.

My childhood Raggedy Ann from Sucky to Ducky on Shalavee.com

People are weird. Such a miss-mash of idealism and perfectionistic extremes and rules and rituals. Our heads are Gordan’s knots of shoulds, coulds, and wishes for what we are unwilling to make happen. And the only thing that can save us is ourselves. I have adjusted my vision to my day today. To do what I can and not focus on what I can’t. I have gradually built a faith in my own abilities. It’s called self-efficacy. So that now creativity is like collaborative play with an old friend. And I am making sure to acknowledge these creative achievements and continue to push myself just outside of the known. And making friends online is an amazing empowering and trans-formative act that I wish I’d discovered sooner.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for being here, subscribing to my writing ( I hit 79!), and telling me the truths that you tell. You have restored a formerly cynical scared hermit into a dancing queen. And that doesn’t suck.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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