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This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain

A brain spill is a great place to start. And to keep a real face here, this is what I wrote to myself this past week. I have gone through some physical and mental pain and fear which, after sitting with it, has kicked my butt into gear a little.

Fighting to stop the pains in my body, physical and mental. Pain causes fear. Fear causes anxiety. This is my living through the lesson about how “pain means something” and the resolution to rid myself of it takes work. Am I worth fighting for? Because the answer to this question will decide the next step.

Planning is still up to me. I’ve made the next round of physical doctor’s appointments and now I wait for them.

This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

 

Struggling with finding my footing here in this very place. Wishing to bloom into this amazing space I’ve created (space and time to work distraction free with cool air this summer, story to come). A place where I vanquished my demons enough to write and write and write until I found, and continue to find, my voice. Where I make friends, and create support networks online and in person. Where I’ve systematically rid myself of the excuses that were in my way. And now it’s a struggle to stand in this space and see if for what it is.

And now I am again standing dumbfounded and fear-riddled staring at the next step.

I know it’s time for a call, a scream for me and my worth. 

To count all the blessings.

A Vision board.

To come back around to hope again. 

That I need to do for myself exactly the things that I would suggest others do is true.

I’m smack in that cycle that Sass describes in her Self-Doubt Loop. I’m at the end of the part where I bemoan my inaction and start to gather my hope and speed back up. Maybe its perfect timing. 

 

This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Sass suggests finding a totem to remind me of that feeling/place I am working toward. And to consider my life’s work as a devotion. To commit to it as a given. And in return the devotion of my time and effort will give back to me with opportunities and miracles. Read her recent post here and feel free to wander in her happy space for more insight.

Time for me to no longer stay lost but to be found.

Yes I am sometimes Battling Against the Becoming. But that is a part of the cycle. Is this a cycle you go through too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Battling Against the Becoming

I am the caterpillar inching my way along fueled by the promise of flying one day. But all that potential to fulfill that flight is so scary. Everyone will be watching me! Maybe the beautiful butterfly that I could become is poisonous and very dangerous … to others and myself. And so, I fight the becoming, eschew the wings, and ignore the chrysalis phase. And moan and wail as I see others flying by.

I chatter at myself, trying to pick the lock of myself. I query and banter, I call out and disagree. I cancel and ask for permission and still I can not seem to relinquish the fear that grips me around doing what I “have to do”, Supposed to Vs. Want. What must I do to bring down these defenses and make my life a fearless siege of what I want to do. battling against the becoming on Shalavee.com

I come back to my vision, my plan for my future. A summary of what I believe (a book) and sharing these thoughts with others (speaking engagements and magazine pieces). It all sounds so noble and doable. My heart on my sleeve and everyone chanting “Yes !”… while I search the crowd for the one person who’s going to lunge out and reveal my shortcomings, my illegitimacy, and my lack of pedigree. And I just beat them to the punch by not walking the walk didn’t I?

This is between me and me. I’m standing in my way. I’m coaxing and cajoling, I’m berating and stating, and still I stand here. And then there’s the little voice that says run while she’s not looking. Pull the band-aid off quickly! Just do it and then over think it. Knuckle down and fake the passion because whatever you are avoiding is usually the one thing you truly need to do. battling against the becoming on Shalavee.com

Hope you can figure out how to get out of your own way. Lemme know your tricks please.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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A Wise Why

I am busy re-assessing why the heck I’d want to get anything published. It’s all been so painful with the asking to be rejected kind of stuff, I had to stop cold and reconfigure my why. Because if it’s for your approval, I’ve discovered, it’s not going to work for me. A wise why is my better bet. And it’s all in the way that I frame it for myself. I pondered this before here and the truth there is compelling. But I am still stuck.

I think we all have a tendency to put ourselves in auto-pilot. We head for the thing that we think we should be doing. And it’s also possible to head for the same goal but for a completely different reason. And that’s a shift I have been hard at work making; changing out my why.If my why has always been for my approval, it takes some willful rerouting of my brain to switch that to doing it for my happiness.A wise why on SHalavee.com

This year, I claimed courage as my word of the year. I did it in the hopes that I would feel more courageous to submit pieces to online magazines by claiming courage as my word. Hah! So I have now handed it over to my Mastermind group in the hopes that accountability would be a budge. And I think it’s actually working.

Yesterday I read a brilliant suggestion to write a letter to your stalled goal and see if you could flush out some new perspective on where your why you had gone awry. And this is what I came up with.A wise why on SHalavee.com

Dear Writing Submission Goal,

You are a noble goal, a worthy goal. When I first created you, you were the highest most validating goal I could come up with. I would be a writer if I was published.

What I failed to understand though was that publishing, or submitting to published, can not be for anyone but me. My amusement, my happiness, and my approval needs to be the first priority. And until I sorted out what and who all this effort was for, I wouldn’t take you back up again.

I am slowly finding my way back to you in a way that feels honest. I have discovered my talent truly now. I believe what I say has foundation and worth and that it’s better than many others getting published currently. When I do get published, it will be for my merit. I believe  being published will further my progress towards so many other worthwhile opportunities.

I want you to know I still believe in you, I’m just changing out your frame.

              Love,

              Shalagh “

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Fear Number #449

I have many fears and some of them seem to continue to show up despite all the work I’ve done. I am still afraid that if I create something, I won’t be able to keep up with and maintain it. This pretty popular fear has to do with both fear of success and the imposter syndrome. Read my out and out admission of this here. And is solely routed in not believing I am enough.

I can see that I have proven this fear false when it comes to blogging. I might not have done it well, at least in the beginning, but I haven’t missed a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday post in a very long time because my audience has my word. Consistent writing has in fact been the key to becoming a better writer and trusting myself to follow through with my projects and promises.Fear #449 on Shalavee.com

I’m still feeling Fear #449 in my aspirations to lead, specifically in the creation of a Shalavee private Facebook group. So many people start things they can’t finish and I refuse to be that person. I am a reluctant leader because if you ask people to follow you, you better have enough time to show up daily for them. As a mother, I’m always wary of how much time I truly have that’s “extra”. Yet my whole existence is an interwoven pattern of tasks done on borrowed time. It all seems to get done.

So I think it becomes a matter of disproving your own negative self-sabotaging theory once and for all. What if I sink? Yes, but what if I fly? Not knowing may somehow be worse. I am not some ego-maniac claiming skills I don’t have. And grit is about showing you can work through and rise above. It’s about telling yourself you believe you can, even if you have your doubts, so that you can prove you wrong. Fear #449 on Shalavee.com

As with my children, I want to give them the space to accomplish and grow and that doesn’t happen unless we let go of the perfect and march straight into the unknown armed only with who we are and the knowledge of what we’ve already accomplished.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Fallacies and Truisms

All my life I’ve had good even great excuses to not be able to do what I’ve needed to do. A carefully laid web of can’ts and couldn’ts, fallacies and truisms have been my cocoon against failure and the unknown. My inadvertent avoidance methods were masterful. And then I added the excruciating pain of seeing everyone else successfully doing all those things I couldn’t possibly do because of all those reasons why I couldn’t.

So in my attempt to clear my head from all the nonsensical clutter which I’ve collected all my decades of existence, I’ve been purposefully and aggressively going after my excuses. And I’ve managed to take out a few good ones in recent months. Foremost, we could never go out because I didn’t have a babysitter. And then, POOF, I found one. My computer was filling up and nothing was backed up. Now I have a professional data storage system in place. Fallacies and Truisms on shalavee.com

When I hear “I can’t because”, I know that’s a red flag for fear. Initiate the five question challenge and you’ll get down to the truth that lies under the paralysis. Yes, keep asking and answering why five times and it’s guaranteed to get you a better answer than “I just can’t”. It will certainly reveal the deeper expectations, ideals, and fears that you may have not even admitted you had that were blocking you.

If you say you can’t,

you can’t.

If you say you can,

you will.

How I solved my problems was to move beyond my excuse and make it my purpose to keep asking, keep looking until I found solutions. And the answers came quickly, maybe because I was finally in the mood to be done with my angst. This was how my Christmas was, easy and simplified and then in January I solved these two dilemmas. I’ve been sitting here kinda dumbfounded.

Because I have systematically rid myself of all the hindrances, annoyances, bumps and potholes on my road of life that were self-created and often kept me from even starting the car. And I don’t know how to navigate without a handicap, a broken vehicle, and the dread. Yet here I am.Fallacies and Truisms on shalavee.com

And what the silence is starting to feel like and fill up with is trust that I’ll take care of whatever comes up and an excitement for the fun things I can fill my time with instead of dread. I have two new challenges and connections I’ve come up with to launch soon and I can’t wait to make them happen. Because my happiness is worth the work and there’s no better impetus to live out loud than my and my family’s happiness. And my happiness expounds when I know that others will feel inspired and happy joining in too.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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