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Returning Inward After the Holidays

( Written days after Christmas ’19, it would seem this piece got away from me.. Yet I still feel the honor of the holiday purpose only a month gone. And I am in the process of picking up where I left off last year)

This year, the holidays were filled with more gratitude and family appreciation than they’ve been prior. We spent time together being us, laughing, eating, and loving. I wove this holiday with as much intention and family time spending forethought as I could handle. I threw my alone and writing time to the side so that all this could happen. And I do not regret one minute of it. And now I feel the shift to retutning inward.

And now as we wind down from the rush and worry of holiday tasks fulfilled, I feel the inevitable need to turn to the familiar work of my life. A need to return to myself and my creative work. A need to do some aerobic exercise and a few sit-ups. A need to re-channel my efforts inward instead of outward. And that feels scary.Returning Inward After the Holidays on Shalavee.com

It’s so easy to devote myself to my loved ones. My back might ache from standing in the kitchen for hours on end to cook meal after meal. I got dishpan hands from all the dishes washed. I wrote very few pages in my journal for wanting to be present while my sister visited. And I never felt resentful for any of it.

Now I must turn back in. To the voice that asks what’s the next lesson I need to learn. What calls me to be curious and what drives me to want to make changes to my life and the world. What’s squeaking that needs to be oiled. And I’ve got to do it like I mean it. Because as much as I find purpose in taking care of my family, I also need the balance of entertaining my own thoughts. Respecting that is tougher than it seems but it is where I need to head.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Finding a Way to Be the Most Me I Can Be

I’ve strayed off the path to myself. I’ve been an impostor for a long time. Maybe it began when I was a kid and I was told to be quieter and not draw attention to myself. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to writing what I feel so honestly; so that I may rediscover my truer self. But I feel like the true destination is an ease within at being me that I have yet to feel completely.

Of course fear is to blame for keeping me in the dark. That “savior’ we hold in our breasts, that bestie for life. But what kind of friend keeps you from community and from your artwork ? Perhaps she will always be here but she needs to have a seat in the thinking chair every once in a while.Finding a Way to Be the Most Me I Can Be on Shalavee.com

Since asking for help and going on Lexipro, an anti-anxiety medication, I have had delicious thoughts of freedom. I am constantly considering how to be more me and what that looks like. The wheels are in motion for a re-engagement in my “work”, in what I do. Taking myself a little more serious perhaps with a little more challenge and a little more fun. I am always reticent to set goals feeling that perhaps I won’t be able to fulfill them and it’ll be a let down. But I know one thing about myself; once I set an intention publicly, there’s no going back.

Stay Tuned!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Why Does My Self-Interest Waver?

I am wondering what my deal is when it comes to my wavering self-interest. I understand that I prioritize my children and my family above myself. I understand that everything I may do that is a creative endeavor is a risk of showing my authentic self and getting whooped. Fear does a lot of dances around not showing up for yourself. And my bad opinion of egomania is well-established and substantiated which makes me not want to be that way.

Except, I’m a writer for goodness sake. I have to find what I think somewhat interesting to begin writing. And usually I find my way through to another set of thoughts I’m surprised by. But why don’t I find what I think interesting enough to promote, to delve into more deeply and publish? It’s like I’m two different people. The mild-mannered writer by night and then the American housewife by day. Hmmmmm…Why Does My Self-Interest Waver? on Shalavee.com

I have the potential to write really interesting pieces, in fact whenever I read my work I’m always surprised at how well spoken I am. But a general compulsion to have my thoughts on certain subjects known on a broader band, I’ve got nothing. As if I just turn a knob off for my existence. I don’t exist for myself, I exist for everyone and everywhere else.

I bring these thoughts to my therapist and to you. You are bearing witness to my process. I am inviting you here within my head in case you too have problems in the places I do. And I greatly appreciate your presence. But know this, I will break through. I always do.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Fear Box Hides My Capabilities

Somehow I’ve decided that there is a box I am supposed to stay within. That to venture from the box is certain death. I somehow always know that I am not allowed to imagine myself anywhere else but in the Fear Box. I am denied access to the world of possibilities outside.

But I also know that the key to freedom is in having self-esteem enough to fill my balloon and sail over the walls of the box and out into the world. Feeling capable is the updraft. Capability however is stolen by low self-esteem. Negative judgmental thoughts are the pin that pops the balloon and keeps me in the box.

I have honored my creativity over and over yet I wouldn’t call myself an artist. I have written over 1000 blog posts and yet wouldn’t say I’m a “successful” writer. Yet I have successfully pulled off many special events and parties, decorated Christmas trees, and birthed and raised two beautiful children. I am a highly capable person who is unaware of her capabilities. Because Fear claims that knowing these capabilities would be unsafe.

Staying small and staying safe would be my Fear’s dream vacation. But to my intellect and my inner artist, this is soul death. Once you see that you are smarter than your fear, grateful for it having kept you safe of course, but done kowtowing to it’s every twitch, you end up in charge of your future. A bridge to a new place.

I Can is about to fuel the rest of my life. And I will work harder and be more forgiving than I have ever been towards myself if I can taste the freedom of I Can.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

You Can’t Be Your Own Accountabilibuddy

I wanted to think that I could do it all by myself. I have signed up for many tasks that I figured I could handle without anyone’s support. Weight Watchers, marriage to someone who was self destructive, and conquering my anxiety. And in each situation, I was destined to fail. It’s not that I didn’t really want to lose weight, have a marriage that succeeded, or be less anxious, it was just that not everything is meant to be done alone.

There’s an American notion that it’s noble to go it alone. To carry the load and to succeed. And women are equally likely to take on more than their share of burden if not to just protect the ones they love. Of course the innate problem is that then we suffer needlessly alone while we raise children and husbands who are unappreciative and lazy. Ooooppps.You Can'r be your own accountabilibuddy on Shalavee.com

The only way we’re guaranteed success in life is if we have company, community, and accountability against our fears. Because our fears lurk waiting for every opportunity to mess up our best of intentions and our noblest of plans. The first time I did Weight Watchers, I went and weighed in at the local firehouse and I lost the ten pounds. The second time, I did it “on my own”. I managed to gain weight. Picking a marriage partner who really has no interest in working as a team is definitely a set-up for failure and loneliness. I have a partner in my second marriage, raising two children together proves it takes teamwork.

Anxiety is a number one reason why we keep ourselves alone. Afraid we’ll mess up and get ourselves outcast, we sentence ourselves to loneliness in full view by never sharing how we feel with others. But when we share our goals with others, we are super aware that we are accountable to our words. Everyone else would forgive us if we didn’t accomplish what we set out for. But we wouldn’t. And there’s just something empowering about stating our dreams out loud, hopefully to the right person! 

So if this has you thinking that maybe you have been going it lone alone a little too much, entrust something to someone. A secret desire, a secret fear, or goal you are trying to achieve. Give someone the chance to be your accountability buddy and see where it takes both of you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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