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The Number One Fear You’re Basing Your Choices On

There’s an epidemic that’s got the world paralyzed. You can’t see it on the surface. People go about their business seemingly happy. They dress for success and practice self-care like they mean it. But underneath many many people are suffering from an affliction of their souls which they hide rather well. They live for the acceptance of others.

 

We’re so afraid of what others might think that we no longer know we are. It just is part of our logical daily equation. We must have this or that because that’s what we do. Drive cars, wear clothing, and join sporting activities others would approve of because that’s what we do. We fear others’ disapproval. Our fear makes us jump through our daily hoops. And that’s the norm.

 

We are sure we know what others are thinking!  Our choices are based on what we think others will and do think of us. The truth is that we will never really know what others are thinking. Our families maybe sometimes. But the general public? We can not assume to know what they think. Because ironically, they may be too worried what we are thinking about them to care to think about us. We all believe ourselves to be mind-readers. As if that’s normal.

The Number One Fear You're Basing Your Choices On on Shalavee.com

What if we made decisions instead on what we liked and what we wanted? What if we assumed we were well-liked, or perhaps didn’t care what people thought, and went from there. If we decorated our houses, our bodies, and thoughts with the stuff we really like ourselves. How inspiring we would be to all the other people in the world if we showed them what individuality means.

 

The only way to know what I think of you is to ask me. And even then I may not want you to dislike me so I may lie.

As I always say, let them think what they want, I just never need to know.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Door That I’ve Been Staring At But Can’t Open

I love to learn. I take online course and do free email challenges. I read newsletters and watch people’s live webinars. I continue to gain my understanding of what myself and others can offer the world and why. But all that can not do the one thing I need to get me started. Give me courage. Sometimes the doing is getting past the fear. Sometimes it’s grabbing the door handle.

I watch dumbly as people explain to me the ways I can make my “business” “successful” and “stand out”. But here’s me saying “What business?” Do I want to be a business? Being a business sounds boring and a requires a lot of hoop-jumping and hard work. We creatives are a stubborn silly bunch. But that’s not the full truth of it.

I mentally understand that the world needs me and my message and my passion. Yet sometimes, I feel as if I’m standing at a door staring at the surface. I’ve memorized the cracks and the dirt I see. I’ve read about how you lift your arm and take the handle in your hand and turn the knob clockwise and push the door open. But my arm is incapable of lifting itself to even knock much less presume to open that door. The Door That I've Been Staring At But Can't Open on Shalavee.com

It ‘s as if I’m completely disconnected from the door, any reasons why I should open it, or if my hand and arm are even capable of turning the knob once it’s in my grasp. Not to mention, what if the promised land doesn’t exist on the other side. Paralysis sound familiar?

To say that I’ve got a lot of work to do is an understatement. But what I am proud of is that I seem to know exactly where my dysfunction lies. I know where the work is. And I think that is an immense plus in everyone’s life. Own your roadblock. Be there with the door. Hang a wreath on it. And ask for help over and over again in understanding why it is you need to open it, how you can want to, and for people to be cheering for you when you do open up your door.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Connecting the Parts

Last Summer, I agreed with the small girl inside me that she needed my help to heal. And together, we acknowledged her needs and demands to be allowed to create and play. I participated in creative challenge after creative challenge until reestablished trust with my inner child around the need for play.My adult and child parts were beginning to reconnect.

I have felt a need to heal another part of myself recently. She was the teen me who was so daring, took chances, and showed the world what she was made of. She was intoxicating and dangerous, crafty and self-sufficient. And I’ve been missing her a lot recently. Connecting my parts on Shalavee.com

Seems that we need to acknowledge that we are multifaceted and each part of us formed at different times in our lives, needs to work together as a team. If we don’t, and don’t trust ourselves to play well and negotiate our needs kindly, we will always be at a deficit. I have been working hard for years to understand what it is I’ve been saying to myself and I’m just getting to the point where I am beginning to trust my own choices, my reliability, and my compassion.

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves

and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” ~ Brian Andreas ~

We are all our own leaders. We need to find a way to work well within ourselves so that we may continue on trusting our own voices telling us what we need, what we’re passionate about, and hearing what others are saying, good and bad, so that we may make the best decisions about what we need to do next. Lead ourselves on through our own personal terrains.

I am not fearless nor fearsome. My fear is there but it need not run the show anymore. It can witness me making these continual choices to be kind to my inner child and embrace the passion of my teen self. And when the time comes for me to be done, I can tell fear thanks for the help but I’m glad I did it my way after all.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Understanding Fear with the Help of Rhonda Britten

I have long been a big fan of Rhonda Britten, one of the life coaches from the Starting Over television series on TLC 15 years ago or so. You can Read about the trick I learned from her co-coach Iyanla Vanzandt in this post titled How To Change Your Life : Feel As If the Thing Has Happened. I recently searched for Ms. Britten and found her amazing work continues inside the Fearless Living Institute where she has a life coach training course as well. I promptly signed up for her emails and requested her book titled Change Your Life in 30 Days from the library. And I am knee-deep into some good stuff now that I thought to share.

My chasing of my tail is maddening. The ideas are there and the joy and the creativity are all a solid part of me. But then, bang, I bump my head into the fear. Or what turns out to be fear disguised in confusion and feelings that make me think there’s something wrong with me when there isn’t.Understanding Fear with the help of Rhonda Britten on Shalavee.com

In her e-book The 25 tricks of Fear which I received for signing up to the emails, Rhonda has briefly provided a new light into what our fear is really doing with us and I must say, it’s a whole different perspective. Within the oldest part of our brains, the amygdala is the fear ring master. Initially the amygdala was wired to keep us safe but now, in the absence of tigers, our anxiety emotion is overused. The fear we feel doesn’t have the decency to be straight up. It hides behind the symptoms of worry, suffering, and hesitation, all making us think it’s our laziness and my lack of focus or talent that has us failing. Emotions become facts become reasons to avoid these triggers…which is essentially anything that makes you uncomfortable.

This is not my incompetency but my reptilian fear brain running the show like the great and powerful Oz behind the curtain. Fear gets me to feel these distraction feelings by whispering lies about my abilities and how I’m perceived. It tells me I’m no good and I’m unacceptable. And then it’s done it’s job to keep me safe, no hard feelings.Understanding Fear with the help of Rhonda Britten on Shalavee.com

Understanding the subterfuge of the fear feels like hope. It’s like pulling back from the movie to realize there’s a screen. Or finding a magic decoder ring. And if there isn’t one thing I consider solid gold emotion, it’s hope. So one step removed is one step gained. I’m over it already and am gathering the next round of knowledge to battle my way back to myself in my own confident armor. There are always new tricks to be learned.

Go here to peruse some great blog posts from Fearless Living.Org and sign up for the newsletters if you want to receive the 25 tricks of fear. I’ll keep sharing my discoveries with you no matter.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Ceasing the Knee-Jerk and Making Mental Room to Move On To

We get very comfortable with the way we manage our lives. We think, “This is how things are and this is what I do.” And this can go on way beyond the life management effectiveness expiration date. Wayyyyy beyond. Like that time I was unhappily married and stayed married. Or those jobs that I kept even though I was miserable. But even our day-to-day functioning can be outdated and we’d have no clue.

We are what we do everyday. And for a very long time, I did things based on fear. I did what I did because I was afraid of running out or being without. I kept on doing because I truly didn’t think there was another way, much less a better way. And I kept on thinking the same sad thoughts about what little I deserved so I never updated my expectations and thus my life’s actions.

Until, I began to truly listen to the dishonor and disruption of my thoughts. I can’t always hear exactly what they are specifically but I can hear what they infer. That if I step out or make waves, I will be squashed like a social bug. That being old and overweight is detestable. That I should have already figured all of this out. Ceasing the knee jerk and making mental room to move on Shalavee.com

All the “can’t” thoughts that make me feel oogy lapping up onto the shore of my psyche like toxic waste. Until I refused to acknowledge them as valid. And then I told myself to stop the cycle. I sat and held my breath and refused to play. And eventually, after this weird space of stubborn almost quiet, it was quiet.

I had stopped my crazy train. I then began to refute, one by one, all my little cants and impossibilities I could. I solved the “there’s nowhere for me to go to create” by making my craft-room cool with a portable air conditioner. I got a babysitter to buy time alone. I read my stuff to see how good I was, and listened to my heart to hear that I was worth the fight to find my happiness. And the waves became calmer and sweeter.Ceasing the knee jerk and making mental room to move on Shalavee.com

I began to create a space beyond where I’d been. A space for possibilities. A space for irony and paradox. A further space for others to be with me and think what they think which doesn’t affect me. There is a trust zone where I am safe being me pursuing what makes me happy which isn’t being barraged by judgements and negativity. I am regularly checking if I need to flood it with compassion for humanity or usher any unwanted ideologies out.

I’ve created a zone for possibilities. I’ve begun to see that with a little planning and proactivity, my life is so much easier than the knee jerk response pattern of my past. And I am my friend now. And this has become my Easy zone I will fiercely protect.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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