search
top

Struggling With Priorities : Them or Me

The largest part of who I am is needing to have my kids feel safe. In the beginning of our coronacation, I have fussed and hovered like I did when we would take our littles on vacation and I would worry they wouldn’t sleep. I’d be the sleepless one while the kids would pass out happily. They have done well, broken down and cried on and at me. But their feelings have been honored and I feel successful that they feel safe. However, it is exhausting to care for people this hard. Especially dramatic redheaded daughters.

Truth is, I can see how we Moms have a perfect excuse to not pursue our own personal creative goals. I have long struggled with what I “really want to do”. Even as it seems I’m doing “it”, I’m not feeling like I am. I realize it’s all about considering myself as not enough. Not enough of a good parent or a committed creative. So many ways I can look right at my life and deem it a failure.

I found this poem that I wrote a while back and I really think it sums up the inner battle I have with my expectations to succeed and what is enough.

 

I chatter at it and

Batter at it and

still it is not fixed.

The ages old self-diatribe

I am not enough, I am not enough

 

I tell everyone, I’m OK, I’m fine

But in my mind there’s a line

And I’m on the wrong side.

 

The impossibility of moving on

Tethered to a ghost.

I trust no one, even myself

And so I remain lost

 

I crave the ease

The easy squeeze

that will fill my future full

Of gratitude and tenderness

of purposed hours filled.

 

I write at night

with all my sight

that I might

win this fight.

I have come a long way from where I was when I wrote this poem. I am more convinced that I am on my path just taking a more leisurely stroll along it. The medication was a wonder as it allowed me to use all of the education and hard work I had done prior. But the viral disruption that is 2020 has thrown all of us off balance and I am busy figuring out where my children stop and I begin.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I’m Not Allowed to Want Anything

Like many of you, I grew up knowing there wasn’t enough. Not enough time, not enough attention, and not enough money. Part of this may be due to the ghost of the Depression which seems to linger in American families still. But people just seem to be convinced that the Universe is against them and there’s nothing to be done about it. We’re broke and that’s the fact Jack.

So I adapted to this understanding by just not wanting anything. I am still not allowed to want anything. Instead, I have a stubborn pride in making do. I am good at keeping the boat afloat but when it comes to imagining a bigger boat, I decide I don’t need one. I’m good with what I’ve got. And it certainly doesn’t help that our capitalistic society persistently nags us with messages of buy a better you or else. I’m so done with that. I'm Not Allowed to Want Anything on Shalavee.com

But currently I am 2/3rds of the way through reading Jen Sincero’s You are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth and I’ve begun thinking about things I want. The wall is disintegrating. I’m thinking about the house I’d like to put my aging mother in. The trip to the South of France and Italy I’ve always wanted to eat my way through. And the Piano Week’s tuition at Peabody for my kid next Summer. Or the braces I still need at 53.

But the given in her book is that you want to make the money. Whether I don’t feel I’m worth anything or have anything worth selling may be the real fear here. And so not wanting anything just avoids having to find out if that’s true of not. Either way, I know the BS fairy is having her way with me and I am standing looking straight into the eye of this storm. Because it wasn’t money that did me wrong, it was the way the people I loved used it wrongly. And the the sooner I get a proper perspective on it, the better.

Healing wounds takes time and “money” is definitely a wound I need to heal. So I’m gonna finish reading this book and start again on considering my money goals and find out where my next mind-blowing wisdom is coming from. Anyone know this story, live this story too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Soul Plague of Unworthiness

I spent the best and most beautiful years of my life feeling unworthy. Unworthy of love, acceptance, abundance, and your like for me. In fact I was sort of suspicious of anyone who liked me. If I didn’t like me then what did you see in me? Or what did you want from me?

I know I Should Love Myself. In this world surprisingly glutted with anxious uncertain people, I believe low self-esteem is more of a norm than one would think. The Cult of Perfect is pervasive. And yet I am a vigilant amazonian fighter when it comes to my self-esteem. I deserve joy and happiness and I know that my esteem has absolutely everything to do with raising the happiness quotient.

Low Self-esteem is the soul plague of unworthiness because it robs us of our clear sight to see ourselves as the beautiful abundantly lucky people we are. We focus only at our lack and our not-enoughness. This is only exacerbated by a media-centric society that values people for wealth and thinness. The Soul Plague of Unworthiness on Shalavee.com

And this is how I fight the good fight every week to battle the low self-esteem. I go to the doctor. I ask for the support I need. I get medical and mental help. I share my authentic self every day. I put myself to creative challenges and make community online and in person. I exercise and am watching what I put in my face. I laugh a lot. And I write a lot.

What would it take you to respect you a little more today? To be your own hero? Are your anxieties running you off the happy highway of life too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I’m Too Much and Not Enough

I often catch myself thinking paradoxical “all or nothing thoughts”. Recently, I heard myself saying, “ I’m too much” and then I realized, I’m also “not enough”. How can I be both at the same time? Or do they neutralize one another? That is what I am now deciding.

Since I was small, I always felt too big. I have always been loud which makes people feel like shushing me. I understood that boys liked pretty girls, not brash girls. That children should be seen and no heard. I had such deep fears and passions, I felt the disapproval when I was bucking the status quo, thinking outside the box. And now I feel like I have been silently grieving the disparate gap between who I knew myself to be and who I tamped myself down to be.I'm Too Much and Not Enough on Shalavee.com

But there is also the part of me that thinks I am not enough. I am not savvy, smart, brave, driven, or thin enough. There is never enough time or money to truly have what I am. And my want will never be filled. Because I don’t want it enough.

I am searching and longing for the me in the middle who is exactly where she needs to be. Who can take up the space she already occupies and who is allowed, nay is destined to take up a bigger space in her world. A gal who neither to big or too small but just right.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Why Do I Do It? When My Reasons Don’t Ring True

I recently told you that I did not achieve the weight loss I had hoped to withing my given amount of time. In fact, I admitted I think being on Weigh Watchers seemed to make me gain weight. As in, who are you to tell me how many points I need, I’ll decide that. 4 months later, I ask myself, what if my why is just wrong. Because no matter the physiological cause and effects, “Whys” run the show.

So I am regarding those today and seeing what my truth might be. In the case of the losing weight, I think my reason is to be skinnier because I hate myself larger. Right there, the anger and judgment is what I’m stumbling on. “So you’ll like me” is never a good reason.

Why Do I Do It? When My Reasons Don't Ring True on Shalavee.com

A year ago when I was anxious and feeling down on myself for not being more successful. I should be publishing more, I should spend ore time writing seriously. But what I realize there is that “Because I should is also not a very good motivator.

These are habits which are tremendously hard to break. The habit of self-judgment. The habit of not enough. And after you recognize yourself participating in this habit, the only thing that can be done is to heap giant doses of self-compassion on yourself, consider that you are always where you are supposed to be despite all your rampant shoulds, and fin a bigger better why.

Why Do I Do It? When My Reasons Don't Ring True on Shalavee.com

So, what is another Reason Why I would like to lose ten pounds? What if I don’t need to be fixed? What if no one cares what I look like but me. What if I would like to prove that I could despite my old lady metabolism? Something needs to change in my thoughts before I can change anything.

But one things for sure, I need to be OK right where I am or I’m not going anywhere.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

« Previous Entries

top