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How Do We Begin to Consider Ourselves Heroes ?

I was doing the dishes this morning and it struck me that any woman that gives herself credit for her thoughts and talents is my hero. I have struggled for so long with not only figuring out what I think, but then owning those thoughts out loud. The weight of knowing yourself in and of itself, seems so heavy.

Perfectionism is just another form of the fear of being seen. My daughter is currently experiencing this with math. She’s exclaiming her lack of competency and breaks down in tears if she gets things wrong. I think, where is this coming from? And I knew as I said it, it must come from me somehow. I know my Mom has a wicked case of this too.How Do We Begin to Consider Ourselves Heroes ? on Shalavee.com

And if it doesn’t come from me, it seeps insipidly in from society somehow. All those outdated devaluing women messages are still swirling around. No matter how many after school specials they’ve made, we are valued for our bodies not our aspirations and brains. Girls are worthless. Ha!

Except from where I stand, we’re worth more to the world than gold because we are running the underpinnings of life itself. We’ve been birthing people, feeding people, and keeping people occupied and educated for the past year. We’ve been disregarding ourselves for longer than we remember.  Many of us have had to be the breadwinners as well as the bakers. And deal with our family’s anxieties as well as our own. We take it like men? I don’t think any man can take it like this.

I’d like to see women stand and demand even more equal consideration for this unrecognized and uncompensated unseen work. Especially to their own families who take them for granted worse than anyone. I’m talking grassroots, “I’ve had enough of this shite” Sally Fields as Norma Rae kinda stuff. Who’s with me?

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Searching For Self Boundaries

As Little People, we have a lot of work to do sorting out where we start and others end, how capable we are, and how important and loved we are. These tasks are our primary objectives second only to playing. And if these tasks are incomplete, we’ll live a lifetime of trying to complete them. We will do this perpetually until we decide what we’re worth.

My daughter pokes at me with her misbehavior to find out all of these things. Is she important enough to care about to put boundaries on? Discipline actually means love. Just yesterday we pulled back out the chore chart because she is begging to e reeled in.

Searching for self boundaries on Shalavee.com

Kids whose parents just aren’t or can’t be there for them may look further for boundaries to be set for them by teachers or school authorities or law enforcement as they fear their unimportance. We all just want to be seen and to know we’re important. We forget or never learn that we become the parent to ourselves as we grow. We fear our own abandonment and we quell our fears of unimportance with eating, drinking, drugging, or sex.

I am committed to being as present and as mean a parent as I possibly can because I know the pain of feeling unimportant. And I want my daughter to not have to work so hard to know she exists and matters to the world. And because I want my children to be as addiction free as they can be. I wish for the unhappy cycle to end in this generation.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are?

My daughter is just starting elementary school now in Pre-K. I am again besieged by notifications and permission slips galore just like back when Eamon was in Kindergarten and there was “homework”. See my recent repost of my piece Kindergarten Homework here. All sorts of good intentions being bantered back and forth between educator and parent about how to best raise/educate our kids.

Within a hunk of papers distributed by the school this week, a subscription newsletter from a parents-institute, I read this headline:

“Parents Must Encourage their Children to Develop Self-respect”

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

( I immediately thought, Well yes, and what about those parents who already see educators as bossy jackasses thinking, “you can’t tell me what I must do with my kids because I’m not going to be bossed by smartass educational type people”. Shut that down.)

Of course I knew it was well-meant and read further. Essentially, children who are disrespectful don’t have any self-respect. Sometimes that’s what hides behind lack of respect for authorities. If we don’t value ourselves, we’re certainly not valuing others. And eventually the justice system needs to show us our worth. This is what the article said self-respect came down to being composed of.

Self-respect comes from:

Competence – Being good at things makes your kid feel good. Children need lots of opportunities to master skills and feel good about themselves while they do. New skills from sports to art to chores can give them a chance to like themselves while they master those skills. And no one standing over them telling what a bad job they did either.

Accomplishments – They need their progress seen and noted.By everyone but mostly by parents. See above.

Confidence – This can be about pointing out how all the work paid off and acceptance that sometimes we falter to succeed. Mistakes can be learned from and we need to know we can rely on ourselves to make things happen.

Freedom – Allow kids to be independent and make their own age-appropriate choices. Let them chose when things can be done and how sometimes. Showing them you trust them makes them trust them.

Support – Accept your children for who and what they are. Let them belong to the family instead of having to fit into your vision of what they should be. Ask them about their day. Listen and witness their answers and help solve their problems if they ask for it.

Imitation – Be the person you want them to model themselves after. They will do as you do. So if you have low self-esteem and anxiety issues, they will too. Be kind to yourself and stand firm for them with their demands as well so that they may see what standing firm looks like.

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

Invisible sword fighting

If you paid attention to even most of these, you’d have a pretty great kid. Personally, I got lost between the family cracks and did not have most of these attentions paid me but yes, I’m paying them to my kids. And then I thought, what kind of parents are we to ourselves? I feel like I can tend to be on the side of almost abusive self-parenting if I allow me to continue to berate and judge myself for the myriad of things I seem to do “wrong”.

What if we took these steps above and applied them to ourselves, which is truly necessary if we are actually parents because our kids do as we do, not as we say. What kind of parents do we want to be to ourselves? Compassionate and kind or judgemental and punitive?  Just like these children, we go out into the society and make our own contributions based on our self-worth and respect so shouldn’t we give ourselves these gifts as well to give us an edge up on our lives? I could use with a little more self-respect in my world, couldn’t you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Be Willing To Let Life Teach Them

As parents, we have a lot of damage control to manage. We expect that our children will be teased so we try to give them un-teasable names. We imagine they’ll be injured by the coffee table so we choose to have a round coffee table. We see the food struggle coming and so we make their meal choices simple so they’ll eat. But for all our parental controlling, do we consider the benefits of seeing the disasters and circumstances through to their not so perfect endings? Because there’s a lot to be learned by this practice occasionally.Be Willing to Let Life Teach Them on Shalavee.com

I remember reading in one of my parenting help books that if you have a problem with a kid who whines for the candy at the check out line in the grocery store, you need to set up a sting operation. Knowing they’ll behave this way, you say to them ahead of time as your headed to the store in need of pretend items, “we will leave if you pull this behavior stunt”. Then you go into the store grabbing this pretended needed item and when they act like they were told not to, you ask the cashier to please put the item back and you leave immediately and calmly. You are hedging bets for your future reliability. You are letting that child know he/she is not in charge. This is a very good example of how to reestablish your authority but sometimes you need to go all out the other way and let it go.

I spoke with a woman who was fretting about her son’s dental hygiene. She said he refused to take care of his teeth. And someone said, just wait until he wants to have a girlfriend. He’ll change that tune really quickly because no one wants to kiss someone with a skanky funk mouth. He was probably suffering a little from “if you tell me to do it then I don’t wanna”but there’s a point when, as a mother, you have to let lessons be learned. There’s always the free dental services at the Dental School when he has future dental health problems. Sadly, the only person he’s punking out against is himself.Be Willing to Let Life Teach Them on Shalavee.com

l took my daughter into the bathroom last night and she refused to go to the potty when I asked her. The old “I don’t have to” but “I really don’t want to be told what to do” trick. And sure enough, there was a wet bed four hours later. I knew what the circumstances were going to be but we have been pull-up free for a week and I know she has to go all the way out and feel the discomfort to learn. Sometimes we have to see our way through to the real worse case scenario, the “what if” so that the lesson can be learned the “hard way”. Because life is a better teacher than we can ever be.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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Self-Recovery For the Ones You Love

You may not choose to run a marathon for yourself but you would for a cause you felt truly moved by. It feels the same way with self-recovery, the process of rediscovery of our truest strongest selves. It is such a struggle through forests of fear and sorting of fact from fiction that a person would really truly rather not. Unless you have kids. Then your whole perspective on who you need to be changes.

Much of what I have done never would have happened unless I had kids who I knew would be getting a better me for my process. It started with the conscious clearing of anxiety, finding a spiritual community, and quitting smoking. It continued with beginning this blog as a way to write and better my writing with regularity. And it became a self-bettering process of even larger proportions when I was asked to teach a seminar, admitted that I would write a book, and started my own community online and in real life. Self-Recovery For the Ones You Love on Shalavee.com

Passive to active living and reactive versus proactive choices were shifts in my lifestyle that I can see evidence of change. And if I can see them, so can my children. If I want them to live a life of empowerment and opportunity, I need to model what that looks like. Because they will always learn by what you are doing more than what you are saying. Immediately I remember the anti-drug PSA from the 80’s where the parent asks the kid where they learned to smoke / do drugs and the kids says, “I learned it by watching you!”(see the link to the very bad quality You Tube snippet below.)

If there isn’t one good reason to have kids, it’s that accountability to the world to be the best role model you can be. Of course there’s also that immense pride of creating beings that you know will positively add to the world. And the huge quantities of love hormones you get throughout their lives when you hug them. But I truly feel an immense pride and compassion for my humanity when I’m sloppily slam in the middle of working this stuff out. Because I want the next generation to be able to choose process over perfection. To have witnessed what it means to struggle and win. Because that’s what I’m doing all the time here.

Anyone got an amen for me? Shout it out.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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