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Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

What you are about to read for the next few days of posts is the story I have just lived which transpired this Summer, 2017. I began to tell this story when I wrote Catching up and Telling the Truth . This post referring to my childhood was the most painful because I wrote it during the doubt storm. And as you read the next few posts, you will see how I am processing, what happened, and how I’m making use of the worst of moments to make the better ones come.

I was injured as a child. Not the sort of injury you’d necessarily see but one that has left me debilitated in ways that I feel today. At this very moment. In my soul. I am unworthy of the world and this is an overwhelming wound to heal.

 

It is true that I have come an immense distance in elevating my self-esteem from a pretty low place. A place where I allowed others to treat me like poop on their shoes. Depending on the day, I struggle with some of the simplest acts of validation. And I can’t always fake my way through. And I do not feel I have moved on at all.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt on Shalavee.com

 

I have a struggle to see myself as I truly am. I always see what I don’t know and what I haven’t achieved. And thus, I don’t feel I have the authority to tell anyone anything if I am still here struggling. But maybe humanity is begging for us to just be human again.

 

Maybe most of us just want the truth, no matter how ugly it is. We just want to know that other people struggle so our struggle isn’t as much of a big deal. So I am here talking myself down off the ledge I’m teetering on yet again and these are the truths I came up with today.

 

I have knowledge that I have gained which has moved me on considerably in my life. I am not anxiety free but I am 75% there.

 

The truths that I have discovered for myself may be of help to others.

 

I want to find purpose. I do not care about making money. However, if charging something for what I know makes it seem more valuable so that people may actually use it, I would be amenable to asking for compensation.

 

Other people’s sharing of their knowledge has no reflection on my knowledge and worth. They do not deserve my judgement for marching to their own beats. And whether you call yourself a life coach or not doesn’t matter if you can genuinely help people and want to help them. Neither the title or the training legitimizes a person’s work.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

 

I have no clue what I ultimately want to do in my life. Every time I think I might have sorted it out, I question my motives, my knowledge, my to do list, and my fears come in to shut me down again.

 

So I’ve decided to give myself permission to not know this week. I’m literally writing myself a permission slip that says I have the right to not know what I want from my life. And it’s effective this week especially as it’s Summer vacation and I want to be able to enjoy my expensive two night stay at the beach with the peace of mind of knowing , I don’t have to know.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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On Happy Endings

I really have no expertise when it comes to happy endings. Miserable endings I could script out perfectly for you though. So when it was suddenly clear to me as a new parent that I was responsible for shading the outlook of the world for my children. When interpreting what they see in movies or read in books, I was responsible for translating the foreshadowing and inferences that would clue my children in to the upcoming plot twists. Life itself needs interpretation for us to decide how it’s going. I knew there were some storytelling rules that I needed to lay down for them.On happy endings on Shalavee.com

The number one rule is that there will always be happy endings in everything I allow them to see. How quickly I realized as I watched my first toddler that he was so susceptible to the change in music and feeling of the videos we were watching. And that it was up to me to protect him and make him feel safe. My sister tells the story about how she was traumatized by watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when she was small. I explained to my son that I would never allow for him to be ambushed by a story gone wrong. And when Fiona was beginning to watch Friday night movies with us, I explained the same to her.

This concept has alerted me to how even the world news, easily seen by the children of families who feel news is acceptable to broadcast without censoring, can be very jarring to them. I filter it out because even I have been jarred by it. And this is how we grew up. Today, the more scintillating news and tv sells the advertisement spots. Because when we forget the television and film industry is for profit, we forget to guard ourselves.On happy endings on Shalavee.com

My generation grew up thinking there were no happy endings. And yet we crave them more than anything. We’ve seen more strife and believe that this is the norm. We were robbed of the happy safe bubble I am trying to give my children. Because eventually and inevitably, they’ll come to understand that yes, there is strife and inequality. But that’s all in good time. It’s up to us to decide how un-sucky their childhoods are before they get to the age of reason.

I have had to create a new space in my head for the possibilities of happiness that I never had before. It’s a type of faith to assume that even though you’ve never felt it and lived it, it still may be possible. I have had a week’s plus worth of days where events went smoothly without crisis and full of kindness and fun with my family. I very intentionally molded those days as such based on a hunch that this was a possible way of living, of being happy. And my hunch was correct. 20 years ago, I might have said that sounded nice but I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. Today I can say it is. And that is happy ending enough.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Let’s Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Like

I spent such a huge part of my life feeling dread and misery that in the beginning of this whole life overhaul journey, I had to believe happiness wasn’t some BS made up Disney emotion. And then I had to figure out if I was worth this lovely gift. And when I finally decided that maybe I was, what does happiness feel like for me?

 

Since childhood, each of us has developed an entire dossier on our own happiness. Some items stem from the musings of a three-year-old, like chocolate for every meal and Daddy and Mommy getting back together. Some are American ideals like white picket fences and skinny bodies. But some may be so precious, we may never have even spoken them. Let's Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Lik

 

My arting and writing were two activities I denied myself to a painful point. But since I’ve been allowing for their regular expression, I can say that my happiness is truly dependent on these. Although I was dubious about marriage and children, I have come to discover that there are many more layers of wonder there than meet the eye.

 

Money and fame are extrinsic rewards that hold no glamour for me. Happiness is an intrinsic goal. However, Where I once shut down the possibility of making money and gaining any credit, I am beginning to open up to the concept that they are on a necessary pathway to the next steps of creativity and self-exploration.

For me, happiness is about being present in my life. If I’m doing something, I want to be OK with being there doing that. And if I can’t be, then I need to go about changing stuff and making choices so that I never need to feel that way again. Trusting myself to confidently sort through my life’s decisions has been one of the most rewarding accomplishments.Let's Pretend To Know What Happiness Feels Lik

Happiness is about being with my kids and not being impatient with them because I think I have somewhere else to be (except maybe making their dinner). It’s about getting exercise, sleeping well, and cooking yummy food. And my ultimate happiness is to spend time with friends yapping and laughing and drinking a nice bottle of wine. Everything else is a plus happy. I’ve spent a lifetime fishing to feel what happiness felt like. I am making it up as I go and learning that not only do I deserve it and that it’s possible to be happy, but instead of buying into what others tell me should make me happy, I get to decided what makes me truly happy.

What makes you truly happy? Being surrounded by a certain color or immersed in a smell or sound? A certain place on earth? Tell me in the comments please.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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We’re Fighting For Family Unity

Got together with my friend Karen and as we’re talking about our recent endeavors and priorities, she mentions prioritizing her family “being together”. She felt her family needed some sort of activity that all family members could participate together in. And I thought, Wow, both of us are fighting for family time.

 

On the way home from Baltimore on Easter, I told my mother-in-law that there just isn’t a single picture of my nuclear family together. We really didn’t ever exist. We children were conceived and born in California but by the time I was 6 months and we moved to Maryland, there was a new career for my Dad and we we’re no longer a family. Not the kind that is important enough to fight for and hold on to above and beyond all other things. Our family life dissolved slowly and painfully. Like many children, I was a scrap of their misbegotten marriage.

We're Fighting For Family Unity on Shalavee.com

Because of my experience, I am actively and consciously making sure that my children know they belong to something stronger and more stable than they are. I am intentionally making moments and legacy for them that they will weave into their life stories. And I guarantee those won’t suck half as much as mine did.

 

We went to the Salisbury, Maryland Zoological Park on the Tuesday after Easter. We stopped at our favorite diner on the way down where my children were marvelously behaved. We rolled through the Toys R Us to exchange a doubled birthday present and both got a new toy. And we rolled back into town with a big old family memory win. My husband and I even thanked our children for their wonderful behavior.

We're Fighting For Family Unity on Shalavee.com

I am making it up as I go along. But I also believe that if you lead with intention and intuition, you can do a good job of weaving a life that you like and maybe love. And those little beings I birthed from my very own body are so worth the effort.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

 

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My False Agreement of My Future

In an effort to uncover the false thoughts that mess me up, I had the fortune to discover the Four Agreements yesterday. Written by Miguel Ruiz, these are ancient practices/ways to live your life that will bring you happiness and love in your life. The four agreements are

1) Be impeccable with your word

2) Don’t take anything personally

3) Don’t make assumptions and

4) always do your best.

As I read the synopsis written by another man here basing his work on this, I was struck by a realization about how our thought processes become automated. My false agreement of my future on Shalavee.com

As we are socialized, rewarded, and punished, we make choices on how to behave based on others’ opinions of us. These thoughts processes become habitual and automatic as we grow if they are not questioned. It’s childhood and it’s tough going but if we’re never given the power to choose to think otherwise, we may then be stuck in these childhood mindsets of lack and misery.

I remember talking to my Grandmother about getting a job. I was terrified and stuck in my life and needed some wisdom. She said, “Get a nice office job and you can wear a nice skirt.” I was appalled, but in her life wearing nice skirts had been a bonus to working. I’ve felt all wiggy about going bigger in my career because I have been afraid of a future that I presumed was what was expected of me, not one that I will create out of love and will based on my real talent and capabilities. I assumed that my future would be full of boring big girl stuff that I would hate. That’s what success looks like. Doing things I don’t like to do with people criticizing me for uncompensated pay. My false agreement of my future on Shalavee.com

The truth is that if anyone offers me any opportunities, it will be based on all the hard work that I’ve done because I wanted to do it which came from genuine talent and passion. I can say no to work that doesn’t fit this criteria. I can keep myself safe from the jobs that I would hate doing because someone else thought I should do them. I can rewrite the script of my life. What a relief. And I know the four agreements are something I am already hard at work on in my life to stay true to myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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