Jun 20, 2012
I noticed myself feeling anxious when recalling someone’s name recently. And I became slightly flustered. Yet, on another occasion, I realized I actually knew the name of the person I worried I’d forgotten. As my friends will attest to, I have a pretty sharp memory. Where I may have temporary memory loss of your name I will, however, remember what you told me ten years ago about your Great Aunt Bebe. I will remember that you had pretty bad BO last time I saw you or that you were a bad tipper. I’ll certainly remember if I liked you. So what the heck?
What is this phobia I have about getting the name right? I suspect there’s a correlation between this and my nauseating fear of remembering passwords. Every time I go to type a password in, I am certain it will be wrong. And Mission Impossible style, it will self destruct in five seconds? My anticipation of getting flustered before I try naming you and correctly pass-wording makes me anxious and throws me off. It’s the old self-fulfilling prophecy, again.
I suspect the commonality of these two fears tie is a need for perfection. Perfect people don’t mess up. So recently, I tried to keep calm and say the person’s name out loud and often. I risked being wrong and ended up making points. From now on, I will give myself permission to ask you your name if I can’t remember it and I’ll loudly chalk my forgetfulness up to hormonal levels which I suspect sabotage me regularly. Happened to me when I was pregnant so why not cyclically too?
Sometimes just calling myself into awareness about a fear or anxiety can set it righter. And that auto remember thing on my computer for saving passwords has been a godsend. Too bad I can’t press my nose and remember your name.
In the grander scheme of things, names and passwords are just flim flam. We often focus on the small stuff while the larger stuff escapes us. I do not doubt however, the devil or deliverance, may be in the details. Do your best, let go of the rest.
Mar 21, 2012
As I have intimated, things are feeling a lot different for me than they used to. Where I was once fueled by my general anxiety about my life, the world, or that look you just gave me, now I’m not so much.
Recent events have really shown the vast difference between the then and now versions of me. There’s the general travel anxiety which wasn’t there on my recent trip to Philly. And the lack of upset I felt at my first submission rejection for my third. I couldn’t tell you I felt anything but an “uh-huh, yup, of course”.
My two other examples of not spazzing out have to do with car incidents. The first included Johnny Law. And the second, today, introduced me to Mr. Roy, his dog Gizmo, and his nice tow truck.
At my house, I don’t do cars. I thought that was an understood when I got married to this husband. Although I might clean a car, registrations or gas mileage or tire rotations just ain’t my thing. A month ago, I forgot to put my cruise control on as I headed to the soccer game and got nabbed doing 64 in a 50. My mother and my son were both in the car. And I was as cool as a cucumber.
He gives me a ticket but not for the speeding. He said my stickers on my license were wrong. After a bit of research, I figured out I’d been the one to put the doggone stickers on and why wouldn’t you put the 12 over the 11. What do you mean there’s colored ones and black and white ones? What was I doing putting the stickers on anyway? Still, I didn’t cry or shake in front of the nice officer. That was huge.
The second incident was today when I went to turn the key in the ignition of the truck and nothing happened. Husband even told me he’d experienced a moment of this the night before. Best news was the insurance sponsored roadside assistance had been auto deducted. Yeah! So me and my groceries only had to wait 20 minutes before tow truck Roy showed up. He handed my grocery bags down to me at my house on his way to the dealership.
It was the starter that went up. And the timing belt needs replacing while they’re in there. But since I’m planning a return trip to Philly after Easter, it is better it happened now.
Long and not so long ago, I would wince at every perceivable possible glitch in my life. Christmas tree shopping was notoriously the most stressful event of the year, especially, and maybe only, with the ex. Now it’s all easier.
Because of my willingness to have it be less stressful, I take care of phone calls and chores and whatever else pops up more quickly than ever before. Springtime rolls out in front of me and I am here to see it. I’ve probably only got another short 40 years to go in life. I intend to get the most out of life’s perks while I avoid paying the price for the perpetual fear of unknown everything. It’s about time.