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Our Fear of the Growing Older Pains

I have gone through a lot in the past two years to rid myself of the aches and pains that I garnered from an aging body. I endured needles jammed into my backside multiple times. And then waited cautiously to see if the procedure worked. I waited again to be pain free when I had another needle in my shoulder. I then awaited the pains to return. And waited.

How was it that my ever-exuberant self became to person who sat and waited for pain? What I discovered is that aging is a unknown and therefore fearful. We’ve seen others age and we know any minute now it’s render us useless, quivering pain-riddled shells of our former selves.

I’ve spoken to elderly people who have confirmed that they feel more anxious in their later years. Our minds begin to imagine our decline even when the evidence may or may not support our undoing.

I had a talk with myself the other day and asked myself, when was the last time I had aching belly muscles from a good core workout? Can’t remember. Or why I couldn’t do an hour of cardio at a time? Was pain preventing me or just fear of pain?

We need to heap compassion on ourselves as we age and on the elderly we know. It takes a lot f courage to show up in the ways we used to sometimes. But, unless I am at a three or more of pain and need to return to the doctor’s for yet another shot, I need to get o with the business of being in good shape for 50. I want to feel pride not fear on a daily basis. How about you? Any of this resonate?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

F*%ked up

You know, in many ways, I was less eff-ed up throughout my life than I thought I was. Understanding that much of my screwy self was created when I was little living in a dysfunctional family, I did well to come out with the drive to heal that I have. But in a few ways, I was a little more eff-ed up than I admitted I was. In fact, I think we all are. We’re all playing a grand game of “I’m Fine, See?”, but I’m not buying it.

Last year I was certain I was doing everything I possibly could to battle my anxiety. I have been in therapy always, I journal and confess, I read, I ruminate, and I witness with compassion my setbacks. Until suddenly, the fear monster overcame me and my heart was broken in my disbelief. And so I chose to do one more thing to find my way out. I asked for help.

F*%ked up on Shalavee.com

With my anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly felt “normal”. There was no more buzz of fear in my head. No more hum in the sound system that suggests a problem. And as thrilled as I was to no longer be suffering the daily doubt and need to fix me, I also felt like I had woken up in another country. When you think you know the language of life and suddenly you don’t. When it’s always hard and suddenly easy, you wait for the other shoe to drop.

Up to this point, I had been cultivating a theory on how increased creativity can decrease anxiety. Except, what I had truly experienced was that creativity couldn’t take care of the anxiety completely. I wanted it to but it wouldn’t. And I felt such doubt in what I had been working on up until then. So I have awaited a new perspective to allow me new understanding.

At the core, self-trust is what balances and battles anxiety. And however you gain that, that’s your personal answer. Whether it’s creativity, abstinence, habitual self-care, therapy, meditation, the powerful magic of tidying up even one drawer, medication, or any combination of these, the final goal is to be happy and to be less anxious. But what is so important is that we need to do whatever it takes regardless of the stigma f not being OK. Because that snobbish pride prevented me from being less anxious for a long time.

So I’ve decided I’ll go back to pieces and theories I’ve written and mull over what thoughts still resonate and what needs to be overhauled with my new perspective. Raging against the change will not stop it. All that’s left is to find a way to begin again. And then…begin again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

In the Process : No Worry, Scurry, or Hurry

Beyond the lovey afterglow of our holiday happenings, what I’m enjoying the most is the lack of worrying about pretty much everything. I used to run on my anxiety. I’d wake in the morning and consider all the ways in which I’d already failed. But my new medication has got me waking up to see what the day will bring. And that is a good thing.

No more hurry, scurry, and worry. Just be in the process.

I used to make lists at the end of the day of all that I did just to give myself credit for my work. Now I approach the day with the attitude of whatever I get done gets done. I’m not as concerned about what needs doing as long as I’m engaged in doing it. And this reminded me of the concept that it is never about the results but always about the process. Because life itself is a process. Yes, if you keep going, eventually you will reach the completion of a task. But the gratifying part is the work. As soon as you finish reading a book,your are sad because there is no more.

I dragged the crunchy Christmas tree outside and stripped it of it’s lights today. And I plucked the little electric Christmas candles from our windows. I dragged my slothlike body back to the YMCA and burned 300 calories on the elliptical. And spent some time prepping salad mix for the upcoming week of salads I will be eating. All without a thought as to how incompetent or fat I am today. All without speeding here or there or angsting over what I can’t do today.

When I get my daughter off the bus, that will prove the more trying part of my day. The rush of changing to go back to ballet tonight. But tomorrow, a sweet silent day to wile away as I please focusing on anything that I deem most important at the moment. No worry, no scurry, no hurry on Shalavee.com

When I get my daughter off the bus, that will prove the more trying part of my day. The rush of changing to go back to ballet tonight. But tomorrow, a sweet silent day to while away as I please focusing on anything that I deem most important at the moment. No worry, no scurry, no hurry.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Remembering My Intention for Connection

As many of you know, I stumbled this year. I tripped over my expectations of what I should feel and should be doing. I fell on my face and got caught in a spiral of self-doubt.

Luckily, I’ve had enough practice at self-care to jump in quickly and take care of me. This spell took me for a three-day grief ride so I decided to call on the big guns. I’ve been on anti-anxiety meds for over a month now and it has made an immense difference in the quality of life. Remembering My Intention for Connection on Shalavee.com

I have never felt this OK. Even though I couldn’t hear the exact words, there was always a background noise of judgment and fear playing. I now don’t feel at a deficit daily. I am able to feel accomplished when I complete tasks. These footholds are helping me rebuild my platform again on which I can stand with my thoughts and my words.

After my spell, I generally had just let go of everything I was looking at to do. I just couldn’t carry the burdens of expectations that I may never be able to fill or that may have been created by the me that did the things that I “should” do instead of being excited for the things I “could” do.

Today I fell upon my life’s Intention I crafted last year and I am reminded again that we are not alone. We are in fact meant to be here for one another in supporting witnessing roles. To remind one another of our humanity.Remembering My Intention for Connection on Shalavee.com

This is what I wrote for my intention. “I am connecting with and positively seeing my wiser self as I engage in conversations with like-minded people, telling and listening to our stories and lending permission for others to tell theirs.”

I’ve been thinking that this year, 2019, is the year to reach out and seek out more like-minded souls so that we both and all may feel connected on a more compassionate level. To focus on what we share and celebrate our oneness.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

It’s My Wonderful Life

I suffered a pretty major stumble recently. An anxiety episode had me spiral out in my head to a place of grief and shame. And I allowed the decision to ask for medicinal help from my doctor to become very public. I did this because I knew that if my transparency and vulnerability could help someone else, I’d be paying forward the same from those who had shown me the permission too. Paying it forward is a beautiful part of my wonderful life.

The response from my online community was overwhelming. People showed up to offer their well wishes and their own coping mechanisms. They showed up to offer an ear if I needed one. And I watched as it made some people squirm rather hard at the thought that happy go lucky Shalagh wasn’t as put together as she seemed.It's My Wonderful Life on Shalavee.com

My wobbles didn’t embarrass me but showed me I’m just another human being trying to get through her days in a better way. And what I was gifted was to see how I have many angels in the form of people looking out for me. I may not have taken up many offers to talk but that doesn’t mean it didn’t mean the world to me that they were willing to be there for me. My life has so much more value than I often can see. It takes seeing me through the eyes of others to really drive the idea to my door. The final scene in It’s Wonderful Life became mine.

Privately, I have heard from people who say thank you for my honesty, for putting into words how things feel. Because it gives them permission to acknowledge and take care of themselves when I own my humanity. And that kind of paying it forward is free and freeing.

May you are be well and feel calm in the winter days to come. I know you are there and I hope you know I am here for you too.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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