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Catching Up and Telling the Truth

What a slippery perspective buster “truth” is. The truth is that this first month and a half of Summer has been rough. Not in the hard ways my Summers used to start , but in very personal ways. Ways I was not even telling myself about.

Today’s truth is that I am still awaiting the steroid injections I received two days ago in my ouchy SI joints to take effect. I’m still holding my breath for the positive outcome. I’ve fought my way here and still there’s truly no change. And continued pain messes with your mind a little as it drains your good will, your hope, and your ease.

Truth is I cancelled my second round of Weight Watchers, because after three months, I didn’t lose a single pound. And I just felt like a watched pot. I refused to boil. catching up and telling the truth on Shalavee.com

 

Personally, and professionally, I had set high expectations and goals I had to rise to so I could be the person I have always meant to be Right Now, knowing everything and producing brilliance. The disparity in my actuality vs my intentions made me so disconcerted, I chewed my lip apart for most of June. If it feels like you are living for another’s approval, you probably are.

We are at the half way point of Summer with one more Summer Camp next week and looking forward to one more mini-vacation which I’m hoping will be relaxing. But I have a sinus surgery lined up right afterwards for mid-August. It is radical self-care act for me to do this, long overdue, but it is also impending doom looming in my not too distant future. I’m scared.

For me, getting perspective on all of this means you write it all up and then you let it go. What are your suggestions for not dreading and instead being present?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

How I Started To Say I Can Instead of I Can’t

My thinking brain understands that you conceptually can do anything you put your mind to. I had a Guinness Book of World Records as a kid. I know what the people of the world can get up to when they put their minds to stuff. But what I thought the other day shocked me. I said “I can” to myself and, after a moment to consider the validity of this statement, I found out that I could.

 

Less than a year ago, if you asked if I could do such and such, I’d say I don’t know how. I’d tell you I don’t have the knowledge, the resources, or the confidence to make that happen. I can’t, I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t. So it felt like a miracle when this past week, I suddenly heard myself say “I can”.How I started to say I can instead of I can't on Shalavee.com

 

Three years ago, it took a lot of convincing from the then president of the Eastern Shore Writers Association Mr. Jerry, to get me to say yes to teaching the blogging workshop. I really didn’t have the confidence to say “Yes I can”. But I borrowed his confidence in me and I pulled that workshop off and made cinnamon rolls to boot.

 

A slow and steady intentional program to build my self-esteem has been in place for these three years. I got a therapist who supports me, cheers me on, and understands how I think. I have intentionally taken risks, put myself to online picture and creative challenges, and created relationships and connections with people all over the world. And I’ve continued to write myself through it all.

 How I started to say I can instead of I can't on Shalavee.com

” It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

-The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo –

 

Not only have my anxieties disappeared, but I truly am (mostly) no longer searching for outside acknowledgement and approval. Perhaps because I know I’ll get it from me now. I am (mostly) no longer searching for reasons to doubt, dislike, or invalidate myself. And without all that stuff jumping on my back and dragging me down, I am now feeling like I can.

 

Trust in myself is the number one factor that has allowed me to move from the “I can’t” place to the “I can” place. And that relationship I now have is independent of my perception of other’s opinions of me. It is about what I know I’m capable of and what I may be able to stretch myself to do. I can’t wait to see what I can do next.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What If What We Fear Really Did Come True?

Sometimes, in my swell American life, there would be moments when I would have my own private terror attacks. A bottomless pit would open below me and I would wait as waves of anxiety would wash over me pulling me down. Panic attack or an anxiety attack are the clinical terms for this but I know they were no fun and left me feeling like there was something in dire need of “fixing” in my brain.

I have spoken a lot here on the blog about how I finally found the book that finally helped me out called Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy to understand what I was doing with my brain to create these moments. I discuss Cognitive Distortions Here citing an easy read article from Psychology Today. and the book that finally helped me our was Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns. I haven’t had one of those attacks now in a couple of years and I continually have to be mindful of what tricks my mind gets up to. Ironically, I just discovered Dr. Burns also has a book called When Panic Attacks.  But my thought today was, what if the false thoughts actually happened and came true. What if our panic was manifested and we were literally attacked by the imagined foreseen outcome.What If What We Fear Really Did Come True? on Shalavee.com

Basically, our brains do this fear trick when we say to ourselves, if we do such and such, we risk being outcast from our clan. Creatives experience this fear a lot because being creative in and of itself is an act of rebellion. Our protective fear brain says non-conformity and otherness is certain death as it begs for us to be singled out in our village be stoned. McCarthyism is a perfect historical example of how this can work.

But I thought, what is the worst thing that can happen? What would it look like if we truly were outcast from our communities and shunned as our fear brains would have us believe. We’d no longer have access to the groceries or the churches or the post offices. We’d be cast out from our beds and our houses and made to wander the world looking for another place to stay. Oh, we’d be refugees. We’re aware of this first hand through the media.  So why would voting for intolerance be a good idea?

Our middle class lives here in America are so posh, we haven’t the slightest clue of what any of this really means. And yet, that is exactly what our brains tell us will ultimately happen when we get anxious. When and if you can hear yourself foretelling the future of how it will “always be” or it “will never be”, stop and stand and look at your lying brain and gently remind it that while it has pretty smart moments, this is not one of them. While possible that something may happen if you go out on a limb, it probably won’t and your brain needs to calm down already. That the feelings you are feeling are not facts is also a good thing to remember.What If What We Fear Really Did Come True? on Shalavee.com

Anxiety is in fact changeable. And it requires just as much work as you’d put into building a new house. Because essentially, that is what it is. When you challenge all those old auto-thoughts that have kept you ”safe” and install more reasonable reasons why you are choosing to do or not do, you are replacing the structure of your thoughts. And this is the only very doable way to stop them from recurring. Being mindful of what you are thinking and choosing other thoughts will lead to all sorts of other doors being opened. This is the basis for cognitive therapy. And I find the possibility of change kind of exciting. What about you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain

A brain spill is a great place to start. And to keep a real face here, this is what I wrote to myself this past week. I have gone through some physical and mental pain and fear which, after sitting with it, has kicked my butt into gear a little.

Fighting to stop the pains in my body, physical and mental. Pain causes fear. Fear causes anxiety. This is my living through the lesson about how “pain means something” and the resolution to rid myself of it takes work. Am I worth fighting for? Because the answer to this question will decide the next step.

Planning is still up to me. I’ve made the next round of physical doctor’s appointments and now I wait for them.

This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

 

Struggling with finding my footing here in this very place. Wishing to bloom into this amazing space I’ve created (space and time to work distraction free with cool air this summer, story to come). A place where I vanquished my demons enough to write and write and write until I found, and continue to find, my voice. Where I make friends, and create support networks online and in person. Where I’ve systematically rid myself of the excuses that were in my way. And now it’s a struggle to stand in this space and see if for what it is.

And now I am again standing dumbfounded and fear-riddled staring at the next step.

I know it’s time for a call, a scream for me and my worth. 

To count all the blessings.

A Vision board.

To come back around to hope again. 

That I need to do for myself exactly the things that I would suggest others do is true.

I’m smack in that cycle that Sass describes in her Self-Doubt Loop. I’m at the end of the part where I bemoan my inaction and start to gather my hope and speed back up. Maybe its perfect timing. 

 

This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Sass suggests finding a totem to remind me of that feeling/place I am working toward. And to consider my life’s work as a devotion. To commit to it as a given. And in return the devotion of my time and effort will give back to me with opportunities and miracles. Read her recent post here and feel free to wander in her happy space for more insight.

Time for me to no longer stay lost but to be found.

Yes I am sometimes Battling Against the Becoming. But that is a part of the cycle. Is this a cycle you go through too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Question Your Own Authority

I think I was washing a window last week when I suddenly had a thought. Why was it that I had all these absolutes and edicts about the way things should be. Every task needs to be a certain way or else… And I realized, I need to question my own authority more often.

 

The absolutes and the edicts have been created by your survival brain. There are certain things I need to be certain to do or else… people won’t like me. If I don’t achieve this fantasy best, I won’t get my tasks done fast enough and I’ll miss something. Or I won’t find my life’s purpose soon enough. They’re laws I’ve made up about living successfully and I’m not even aware of them. Until I suddenly feel my anxiety rising.

Question Your Own Authority on Shalavee.com

Because absolutes and edicts only tend to make me more nervous and doubtful achieving that specific ideal outcome. Every carefully considered action has an “Or Else” clause threatening to ruin my life more than it always seems to be anyway. And I suddenly realized that is such crap. Why am I allowing that mindset to run my daily happiness? Since when do all the little things govern the bigger picture? Sometimes Good Enough is Good Enough.

Sometimes Good Enough is Good Enough

Question Your Own Authority on Shalavee.com

Growing up, I was such a punk. I constantly questioned authority just like I was supposed to. So why would it be any different to question these scripts in my head that no longer serve me?  

 

So the next time I have a “should attack” followed by that slight angsty feeling, I’m gonna stop dead and find out what the source of it is. I’m gonna question my authority and see if the smoke and mirrors disappear. Because how I feel my life is going is how my life is going.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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