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Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout

It’s been two weeks since the anxiety episode that hijacked my heart and silenced my soul. It wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a crisis of confidence. I’ve had these before. And after I took myself to the doctor’s to ask for some pharmaceutical help and did all the various and assorted self-care activities I could, I’ve just been sitting back and taking it easy. Listening to and watching what my inner-self needs. Not overtaxing myself with have tos but asking what I want to do instead.

Perspective is always a good friend if you allow it to come in and stand with you as time passes. And what I realized was that I have been telling myself a story about how OK I was when I wasn’t. I was passing myself as “doing great” when I wasn’t always doing great. I was so frustrated because I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in fighting my anxieties and having this spell felt like I’d never gotten anywhere.Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout on Shalavee.com

Again, another cognitive distortion. I self-sabotaged some major progress by expecting myself to be all in, there already, safe and confident on a high platform away from the fear lions. And there was no voice loud enough to shout me in from the doubt storm as it spiraled out of control shaking me with doubt and grief and shame. “Why do I even try? I put myself in harm’s way. I am a fraud.”

It’s two weeks later, and although I no longer feel like a fraud, I’m still trying to find my footing. My therapist is my own personal wonder woman handing me perspective and tools. And she asked me “What’s your Purpose?”. I said,”I Dunno”. So we’re starting there.

Stuff certainly happens. Regularly. And it’s always up to us to translate what it means, to tell our own story about where we are and what we need to do next. I wanted to run away from all my aspirations. But I let myself sit and watch and what I think I’ve done is blow some unreal expectations out of the water and made room for some compassionate wisdom instead.

I’m just letting go of what doesn’t serve me presently and caring for myself through this fallout. I feel the numbness subsiding and the hope wanting to seep in again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Ignore Your Brain, Feel Your Feels

This week, I had a really bad spell of the feels. I finished up my creativity workshop and instead of feeling that amazing “I did it” feeling, I felt like an impostor. Who was I to think I had anything to say about creativity? And then, why did I put myself in this jeopardy? And PS, this is the same doubt spell I had at the end of my creativity/anxiety sermon I gave at my church.

So I rolled around for a day feeling really crappy. Letting all the silly mean stuff rip around in my head. Grieving the marvelous feelings I was supposed to feel in conjunction with doing activities that are directly related to my perceived purpose. My inner daughter was mad at me for not keeping her safe from all the judgment she was sure she had coming her way from me and everyone who witnessed my outright failure. And me infuriated by the fact that all the apparent work I have done on my esteem doesn’t add up to a hill of beans.Ignore Your brains, feel your

I went online to publicly claim my intentions to go see my doctor about anti-anxiety meds. And to hopefully claim my wobbliness in the hopes that someone else would find permission for themselves to do the same. I am glad I heard my heart tell me that I need something else other than I am doing to get me beyond. And I am keeping my brain in a time out for overacting in such a way.

But the most interesting postlude is the way my community came out to witness me. Many people truly wanted to provide the fix. Could it be lack of light or menopause? I had beautiful offers to talk and I informed everyone that have a therapy appointment coming soon. Because again the most traumatizing part of this whole thing is that I’ve done so very much work, why do I have to endure these episodes anymore?Ignore Your brains, feel your

In the end, I find out that there a lot of people who care about me and I do not take that lightly. It’s hard to be accountable to so many people so I am just going to be accountable to myself but I hope that, at some point, I can see what everyone sees in me. Because I think that would help tremendously in keeping this kind of thing from happening in the future. Or perhaps not but I like to think there’s a solution. Acceptance, compassion, and love from me to you to me again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Hard Time Requires Our Humanity

This is hard time for some to live. Embracing all the sadness and shame of our fellow men and our sister women, we would drown if we stayed in some places too long. We could dip into despair for the helpless feeling we empathize ourselves into.A Hard Time Requires Our Humanity on Shalavee.com

We can only do what we can do. And can only know what we can do if we try. We can feel proud of us for the efforts we do make with the limitations we have. We aren’t enlightened or rich but we are compassionate and dear. Well meaning counts tons.

When she’s struggling with depression and anxiety, let that person know that you’ve been there too. Listen to her and know that place again. There is no shame in not being in control. And knowing our limitations will set us free. Acknowledging our humanity will allow us to be human.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

How I Survived the Speech

So I signed up to give a talk on the Inverse Relationship Between Creativity and Anxiety at my UU church this month. One of my learned life hacks is that if I need to do something, I just need to give my word to someone and I’ll do it. (I told one person I would sing an acapella song I had written at my wedding and so I did it. )And this public speech I gave was just a means to getting me to pen my theory.

I needed to get myself through it. I knew it wasn’t going to be perfect, ever, but I needed to do it anyway. And so I stopped and wrote these:

Reasons that I Need Not Feel Afraid to do This Speech

  • Once I say it out loud, I’ll have heard myself say it out loud
  • It will give substance, validity to my thoughts and my theory itself
  • I am being visible and vulnerable for all the women who don’t feel they can
  • I am a role model, a leader, and an ambassador to creativity
  • The words I have written are well said, no matter how I rearrange them and edited them

Plus the fact that the following day, I was scheduled for a slightly scary medical procedure involving multiple needles in my backside. So it couldn’t top that for ouchiness.How I Survived the Speech on shalavee.com

So that when I went in to give the speech, I just smiled a lot. And I sped up like we all do when giving a speech. Worse yet, someone asked me to slow down. Yikes. But I still felt whole for having gotten there and delivered my thoughts. I was grateful for the opportunity to advance my theory.

Sometimes the Thing isn’t really the thing. We have to be smart and brave enough to get through the scary moments so that we can celebrate the bigger wins later. Because courage is being afraid and doing it anyway, proving you can, and finding out you won’t die in the process.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Having My Butt Exposed

This was that week. The week when everything came to a head. When all my plans to be vulnerable, my butt exposed both mentally and physically, came to fruition. I sat back for a few days to digest the events, see if the results I had hoped for were achieved. Was all the risk and pain worth it?

Yes.

Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I put my original creative thoughts about the connection between intentional creativity and the reduction of anxiety down onto paper and read them aloud. Was my presentation delivered well? Not necessarily. But I released a thought that I believe in out into the world. And for this risk of vulnerability, I am extremely proud. You have to start even if it isn’t pretty.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I also literally had my butt out in a drafty operating room receiving multiple injections to cauterize the nerves in my SI joint and cease the pain that plagues me. There were probably six people in that room. None of them cared that my large fish belly white butt was exposed. They were there for their own knowledge and competency.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

But when it was all over, I had the opportunity to have lunch with my husband and be in one of my favorite places in my hometown of Baltimore. Fells Point has changed and yet it still holds this Dickensian charm of an old world industrial city port and I felt satisfied, physically and mentally.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I foresaw my fears and did it all anyway. I looked to the future and knew that, without these risks to be vulnerable, I’d never truly be happy. I’d just be guarding against the pain. And that is not how I want to live. So I risk the pain of vulnerability and surround myself with my people cheering me on. And it feels more real than ever before.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

Thank you for your support through all of these trials. My hopes are that you are encouraged to be vulnerable and courageous in your own lives. That I can help to foster your own self-trust and pride. And we can keep being visible together.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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