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Why is Being Less Anxious a Bad Thing?

For years, I suffered my anxieties. Eventually, I recognized them and set an intention to “cure” myself of them. I tried everything to make this happen. I am perpetually in therapy. I read a copious amount of material on understanding myself, self-love, meditation, and forgiveness. And nothing was truly doing the trick.

A year ago when finally, in desperation, I wisely asked for my doctor to write me a prescription for some pharmaceutical relief from what finally felt like a living anxious hell, I found my way out. I had won and I had lost. Because while I feel 200 % better with no more roaming perpetual anxious dialogues in my head, it wasn’t supposed to be that easy.

I told my therapist, it was like I’d been rowing hard in a row boat race upstream to beat my anxieties and suddenly I was in a cigarette boat and I’d reached the finish line. It felt like I’d won and I’d cheated. My recovery was supposed to be hard won. Easy is apparently not an easy word for me to live by. Why is Being Less Anxious a Bad Thing? on shalavee.com

I think that the neuropathways of the brain can be so worn down in familiar anxious usage that it really is too difficult to redesign the topography. The medicine allows you to rise about the auto thoughts and recreate happier healthier ways of thinking. Yes, for people like me who have struggled so long, we feel the struggle is noble, it seems a cheat. But isn’t the point to escape the anxieties?

I still work on myself in all the same ways I did before. I am focusing a great deal on self-compassion and allowing for my humanity. I am enjoying all the tiny moments that make up my life. I am trying to live meditatively. And I am doing a pretty amazing job of it. Perhaps I just need to forgive myself for taking the easy way out.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

You Can’t Be Your Own Accountabilibuddy

I wanted to think that I could do it all by myself. I have signed up for many tasks that I figured I could handle without anyone’s support. Weight Watchers, marriage to someone who was self destructive, and conquering my anxiety. And in each situation, I was destined to fail. It’s not that I didn’t really want to lose weight, have a marriage that succeeded, or be less anxious, it was just that not everything is meant to be done alone.

There’s an American notion that it’s noble to go it alone. To carry the load and to succeed. And women are equally likely to take on more than their share of burden if not to just protect the ones they love. Of course the innate problem is that then we suffer needlessly alone while we raise children and husbands who are unappreciative and lazy. Ooooppps.You Can'r be your own accountabilibuddy on Shalavee.com

The only way we’re guaranteed success in life is if we have company, community, and accountability against our fears. Because our fears lurk waiting for every opportunity to mess up our best of intentions and our noblest of plans. The first time I did Weight Watchers, I went and weighed in at the local firehouse and I lost the ten pounds. The second time, I did it “on my own”. I managed to gain weight. Picking a marriage partner who really has no interest in working as a team is definitely a set-up for failure and loneliness. I have a partner in my second marriage, raising two children together proves it takes teamwork.

Anxiety is a number one reason why we keep ourselves alone. Afraid we’ll mess up and get ourselves outcast, we sentence ourselves to loneliness in full view by never sharing how we feel with others. But when we share our goals with others, we are super aware that we are accountable to our words. Everyone else would forgive us if we didn’t accomplish what we set out for. But we wouldn’t. And there’s just something empowering about stating our dreams out loud, hopefully to the right person! 

So if this has you thinking that maybe you have been going it lone alone a little too much, entrust something to someone. A secret desire, a secret fear, or goal you are trying to achieve. Give someone the chance to be your accountability buddy and see where it takes both of you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What if There’s Nothing Wrong

It’s kinda astounding the amount of limiting false beliefs I’ve been lugging around with me my entire life. I recently spoke about how I am not allowed to want anything. And how my unworthiness was a given. I have basically believed all my life that there is something wrong…with everything and me….all the time. It’s the mode from which I operate. I must fix it/me/them in order for life to be “right”. And then my therapist throws in, “What if there’s nothing wrong?”

Say What?

Oh these pesky therapists!

What I thought about was that helplessness is hard. We’d rather scrabble and scratch, eek out any different outcome than admit that we are where we need to be or, gasp, we have no control. What can you do if you have no power to change something? We can only accept what is. That’s it. Acceptance. And that seems so much harder than changing it? Yes.What if there was nothing wrong on Shalavee.com

What if the fixes and changes we perceive are just the way your world is meant to be. And what it the things you have been leaving alone are exactly the places you need to exert your energy. I do think that we often focus on stuff that distracts us fro our bigger journeys. Our fear disguises tasks as necessary and useful. And we all know if we’d rather pluck our eyeball out than doing it, it probably doesn’t serve anyone, much less ourselves.

I suppose it’s a matter of stepping back, staying still, and having faith more than just barreling along. Being grateful and thoughtful and taking care of that pesky anxiety problem in whatever fashion you can. Because there may be nothing wrong or there may be something that needs fixing but assuming it’s always broken isn’t really any fun anymore.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Throwback to Summer Two Years Ago

I came across this, my last newsletter from two years ago. So much has happened since then. If you are a regular reader, you’ll already know that I finally gave myself permission to ask for anxiety medication last November, 2018. So this newsletter is a snapshot of who I used to be. My hope is to begin these again sooner than later!

As the Summer gains speed, I’d like to start the practice of being in touch with my readership. You’ll still find three new posts weekly sent out at 6:30 am on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Our seasonal shuffle of schedules and routines may disconnect us so I thought I should remind you I’m still out here, processing what I see and think and offering my thoughts back to the world via my authentic thoughtful writing.

 

I am not sure why it is that I go looking for something to be dissatisfied with. It’s called “borrowing trouble” when you look for problems. But there I am, still in my pajamas, feeling defeated for the unaccomplished tasks I see. The house is always a half-empty mess even when it’s clean. As if the dissatisfaction will spurn me on to work harder or create a more perfect life. It’s all crap. A Cognitive Distortion I favor.

I would like to maintain a more neutral gaze on my world. Allow for things to just be as they are. Let the dirt glowing in the morning sunbeam mean nothing to my worth as an individual. Let the fact that I don’t have my life goals enthusiastically and fearlessly planned for years to come mean nothing at all. I want to be here now please witnessing the growth of my kids and the fruition of my purpose.. 

And after I maintain mindful neutrality for several weeks without breaking into hives over the unaccomplished, I want to begin to truly appreciate my life now. To effortlessly see my gratitude in the everyday moments. I want that to be my daily mode, zenning through my Summer days with my children. And basking in the knowledge that this is in fact all there ever is and all I really wanted anyway. Peace and Joy.

 

Until this happens, I’ll be over here creating my never-ending to do list and feeling anxious about whatever strikes my fancy today. Or maybe staring at my cup and wishing it would fill up with all the things I’ve yet to accomplish. And squandering a few of the beautiful moments in between. Sigh. May my mindfulness catch up to me quickly.

Hope your Summer (or Winter if you’re on opposite bits of the world) is a time of slowing down, regrouping, or reflection on that which matters most to you. I am concentrating on my little ones and the inner value of me. Expect new newsletters to come more frequently and perhaps a few videos like I did last Summer? This one on confidence was good. I am also recording myself reading aloud the posts and you can find the link at the bottom of each of my recent posts at www.Shalavee.com .

 

 
My Creative May project brought me more creative confidence  and has stretched into and through June as I joined the #Icad (index card a day) challenge. There are prompts to inspire the making of art, I choose mostly to collage, on 4 x 6 index cards daily. You can watch my progress in Instagram.
Read about my updated Summer plan to create in the cool peace of my craft room in How Summer Did Not Start Out Like Plummeting Space Junk . And you can listen to me read this post via Soundcloud at the bottom of the post ! Three posts still go out weekly to subscribers on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on those subjects I like to go on about like self-trust and creativity. You can always count on my voice to reflect my honesty and my angst.

Grabbing the Opportunity to Not Betray Myself

is a post on how easy it is to do laundry instead of the work you need to do. And what you are telling yourself about your worth when you do that. (Hint: It’s mean.) Read it here and when there, you can scroll to the bottom of this post listen to it via Soundcloud.

What 2018 Taught Me

I felt like I was making great strides in growing myself last year, 2018. I was feeling more sure of what my creativity was giving me both personally and perhaps professionally. I offered up a Wholehearted Living piece to a writer friend’s blog. And I started to create my own theory on the inverse relationship of creativity and anxiety. I felt a rhythm was coming.

And then I suffered an anxiety setback that set me reeling. I abandoned my aspirations and hunkered down to ride out the storm. And I took myself to the doctor’s and asked for medicinal help. Because pain is your body telling you that it needs help.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

Why had I waited so long, I asked the doctor. He said “Stigma”. I had made it my goal trying to prove that anxiety can be conquered by therapy and creativity. And I was admitting I was wrong. I felt defeated and yet, once I had the medication cooking, I felt the hope of perhaps finally moving from a stuck place. And 9 months later, I was right. I have grieved my ego loss and moved on to what was beyond. Possibilities don’t feel like burdens of tasks I’m unable to do but rather hopes for a fun future.

Last year taught me that you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You have to ask for help and sometimes, give up and do something different. And you are the only one who can make the best decisions for you. Even if those decisions are hard to make. Because I think the hardest part of making a decision is making the decision. After that it’s just following through and seeing what happens next.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

My wish for 2018 for myself was for perspective, safety, joy, inspiration, value, chances, strength, hope, and comfort. And “to live within my creative zone often enough to keep me joyful, true to myself, and to be able to appreciate this action and the interaction with my fellow people who know the truth of me.” I’d say that I fulfilled most of those intentions and then some last year. I feel creatively satiated and held by a growing community and I am trusting that I will take care of me in the coming years.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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