search
top

What 2018 Taught Me

I felt like I was making great strides in growing myself last year, 2018. I was feeling more sure of what my creativity was giving me both personally and perhaps professionally. I offered up a Wholehearted Living piece to a writer friend’s blog. And I started to create my own theory on the inverse relationship of creativity and anxiety. I felt a rhythm was coming.

And then I suffered an anxiety setback that set me reeling. I abandoned my aspirations and hunkered down to ride out the storm. And I took myself to the doctor’s and asked for medicinal help. Because pain is your body telling you that it needs help.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

Why had I waited so long, I asked the doctor. He said “Stigma”. I had made it my goal trying to prove that anxiety can be conquered by therapy and creativity. And I was admitting I was wrong. I felt defeated and yet, once I had the medication cooking, I felt the hope of perhaps finally moving from a stuck place. And 9 months later, I was right. I have grieved my ego loss and moved on to what was beyond. Possibilities don’t feel like burdens of tasks I’m unable to do but rather hopes for a fun future.

Last year taught me that you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You have to ask for help and sometimes, give up and do something different. And you are the only one who can make the best decisions for you. Even if those decisions are hard to make. Because I think the hardest part of making a decision is making the decision. After that it’s just following through and seeing what happens next.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

My wish for 2018 for myself was for perspective, safety, joy, inspiration, value, chances, strength, hope, and comfort. And “to live within my creative zone often enough to keep me joyful, true to myself, and to be able to appreciate this action and the interaction with my fellow people who know the truth of me.” I’d say that I fulfilled most of those intentions and then some last year. I feel creatively satiated and held by a growing community and I am trusting that I will take care of me in the coming years.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Creativity Couldn’t Cure Me

Back in November, I had what I’ve referred to as an emotional fallout. It was like an anxiety caused implosion which caused me a couple days of waiting and watching the grief I was experiencing. I consequently took myself to my doctor and asked for some anti-anxiety meds. While these were exactly what I’d needed for a very long time, this also caused me a new wave of grief for admitting to a failure to “fix” myself without them. Creativity couldn’t cure me.

I am a devoted self-development practitioner. I have been chasing a better more confident version of myself since my teens. I have peeled back layer upon layer in order to understand myself. And last year, I was devoted to developing a theory about how creativity can be used to battle and quell the anxiety monster.

Creativity Couldn't Cure Me on Shalavee.com

I wanted this to be the outright answer to all of it. I wanted Creativity to be my savior, my answer, my magic potion. I hosted creativity challenges and participated in them and every time, I felt my soul grow. So when the first anxiety episode happened after giving a speech on the inverse relationship of anxiety and creativity, and then again after I held a workshop on creativity, I was devastated. I was an impostor.

I grieved for what felt like giving up and giving in. I wasn’t so much worried about the stigma of taking the medication as much as I was worried my theory had lost it’s wind, it’s proof in me. Like saying yes to medication was disproving all that I had worked on. And I was also sad that I hadn’t made this choice so much earlier because the relief that it gave me was astounding. No more underlying anxiety buzz in my brain means that I can carry out and finish more wonderful creative projects.

Creativity Couldn't Cure Me on Shalavee.com

But now I think I am done grieving and I am moving into a less all or nothing zone and more of “whatever works” zone. I say do it all and keep doing whatever works. Happiness is all it’s cracked up to be and there will never be a disadvantage to being creative. It brings you joy when you permit yourself to give into it.

I’m not sure what my all or nothing attitude was supposed to get me. I can tell you that I am now engaging in another type of therapy called EMDR to dig specifically into why these episodes happened and how I can learn from them instead of feeling ashamed of them. And I am certain I won’t have another one again as long as I am on this medication.

Anxiety is a sucky way to live and your wellness plans are up to you. Yes you can tell stories about yourself but make sure that you are authoring them and that you work very hard to give them happy endings!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Bump in My Summer Road

I need to share a little bump in my road that happened at the end of the school year that I had to recover from. On top of having all the end of year concerts and recitals and parties, a mix-up at the pharmacy led to an unintentional cold turkey off of my new anxiety meds. This was something my doctor said Do Not Do.

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

When I became weepy and had a constant stomach ache, I knew something was wrong. I’d been taking the wrong prescription and since I never have my contacts in yet when I take my medicines, it was a while before it got straightened out.

This was the first year that I went on vacation and didn’t feel all whacked out from anxieties while I packed, traveled, and stayed at our Ocean City, Maryland getaway. We all had fun and relaxed. And that’s what a vacation is supposed to be about. Whoda Thunk?

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

These are the concepts I’m coming back to this week and today that are grounding me and guiding me toward a better Summer.

*Self-compassion is the best tool to get you out of a self-judgment loop in your head.

*Be grateful and show your gratitude for friends, food, and lodgings. These are well earned privileges.

*Use what you have and let go of what no longer serves you.

*Be completely present for the people in your life. Tell them the truth.

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

*Show up for yourself. Give yourself opportunities to be proud of you.

*Give your wisdom away.

*Get outside as much as possible.

*Seek help for anything that you need.

*Create everyday.

Worked hard in the garden finishing up for the small Garden Party gathering I’m having next Sunday. The unveiling of my commitment to take back the disaster area that was my garden. I’m always at my best and most productive when I have guests coming and a party to prepare for.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Hurry, Scurry, and Worry

I became so tired of the hurry, scurry, and worry. As I read blog posts and Instagram posts about how people had experienced adrenal gland burn out from all the anxiety juice they were pumping into their bodies, I understood even more my own addiction to Doing.

In my case, the anxiety manifested into stomach problems. As a child, I had stomach aches. As a college student, I had gastritis which was one step away from an ulcer. And when I had my children I would devlop a pain in my stomach that went straight back to my rib cage. My anxieties were physically manifesting right where Virgos are known to be vulnerable: in my gut. Gradually I caught on that taking Zantac quelled the acid, but two Christmases ago, my stomach was so ouchy that I couldn’t drink red wine or eat tomato sauce.

The Hurry, Worry, and Scurry on Shalavee.com

Flash forward to this November when a stressful October and a November emotional episode led me to ask for medicine to alleviate my anxieties. The sky opened up for me.

I slowly began to notice that anything I said I couldn’t do made me anxious at the anticipated outcome of failure. And when I just did my best and let life happen, I was much more calmer. I’ve stayed very easy going and worry free as much as possible. I avoid making lists but rather just make the effort to do the things I need to get done. I’m 100 times less neurotic.

The Hurry, Worry, and Scurry on Shalavee.com

This morning, I am looking at a day that seems to yawn time in front of me, although I also know that the time is finite and will come crashing down around my shoulders at 3:30 when the bus returns my daughter. And I feel completely happy and lucky that I am not in a frenzied hurry to scurry mode doing all the things I never used to give myself credit for. I give myself a ton of credit now. And I want to credit a lot of this claim and productivity to the regular art practice of the ICAD project last year and the
100 day project last and this year. What is meant to get done today will get done today. And there is a bunch more tomorrows to embrace hopefully.

How to gain self trust has been of the truest interest to me. See this article for the list of top methods of building self-trust.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Our Fear of the Growing Older Pains

I have gone through a lot in the past two years to rid myself of the aches and pains that I garnered from an aging body. I endured needles jammed into my backside multiple times. And then waited cautiously to see if the procedure worked. I waited again to be pain free when I had another needle in my shoulder. I then awaited the pains to return. And waited.

How was it that my ever-exuberant self became to person who sat and waited for pain? What I discovered is that aging is a unknown and therefore fearful. We’ve seen others age and we know any minute now it’s render us useless, quivering pain-riddled shells of our former selves.

I’ve spoken to elderly people who have confirmed that they feel more anxious in their later years. Our minds begin to imagine our decline even when the evidence may or may not support our undoing.

I had a talk with myself the other day and asked myself, when was the last time I had aching belly muscles from a good core workout? Can’t remember. Or why I couldn’t do an hour of cardio at a time? Was pain preventing me or just fear of pain?

We need to heap compassion on ourselves as we age and on the elderly we know. It takes a lot f courage to show up in the ways we used to sometimes. But, unless I am at a three or more of pain and need to return to the doctor’s for yet another shot, I need to get o with the business of being in good shape for 50. I want to feel pride not fear on a daily basis. How about you? Any of this resonate?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

« Previous Entries

top