Apr 27, 2015
Sunday morning, poking at emails, and suddenly my Yahoo email account slams shut. I panic. I acknowledge that the powers that be are keeping me”safe” from online threats. In fact, the last time this happened, Japan was trying to hack into my email. But this time, there was no good reason.
What ensues is me being upset because now I want to control it back into working. And in trying to jump through hoops and regain access through my husband’s login to larger Verizon accounts, we find that I have just probably locked myself out for 12 to 24 hours from my own email account. On a Sunday. Offices open 8 am Pacific Standard time on Monday, the day this post is publishing.
We call this email snaffu an opportunity to grow moment. See AFGO article. I wasn’t really planning to do anything with my email anyway today. I was going to create stuff. My fury and aggravation was rerouted toward an inanimate object. And my children wanted my attention. Technology keeps sucker punching me. Lest we forget the Big Kahuna of Computer snaffus. It’s a good one.
I’m upset that I’m upset. How silly, right? I wasn’t planning to do emailing anyway. But now I really have no choice. And those children just needed to sit and cuddle with me so badly this morning. They don’t know what’s going on. They’ll take my hostility and frustration personally. And that’s just not worth it. So I sat and cuddled with both of them until they were done.
I don’t like being made to feel helpless and human. I similarly realized my fallibility when I was balancing the checkbook the other day. Resignation that I am no bookkeeper and go ahead and deduct $150 and move on. It’s not personal. I received another rejection letter for an article submission. As much as I want to make about me being less than, this has nothing to do with my worth as human being. But this computer stuff always shoves me to my knees.
I detest being reliant on something that is prone to go wonky especially due to my ignorance. In this case, just universal happenstance. Nothing personal. But it feels personal when it happens to you. And you know that the way your day will play out depends on how you frame the experience. I copied the Yahoo help contact phone numbers and walked my children to the car to go see their Grammy.
I write this as a catharsis but also as a reminder. Something a wise bartender told my husband after his divorce. You will experience a shift he said. At first all women will be evil. Then one woman will be evil. Then women will be a necessary evil. So it goes with technology. All technology is evil. One technology is evil. Technology is a necessary evil. The motherboards and circuits and plastic bits aren’t trying to make you feel anything. So it’s up to you to not interpret as such. And then to find a way to help yourself out of the predicament you’re in. I’ve delivered my computer towers to people. I’ve had tech people come to my house. And I’ve talked to plenty of kind IT guys on the phone. And when I endeavored to persevere, I always came out with a solution. So I will with this. I will just have to wait until tomorrow after 9 am to do so.
Mar 13, 2015
I am totally option gal. I hoard options like it is my given right as a free person. I love choices, love to multitask, and am multi-talented. I am also a child of the media generation. Homework with the radio and/or the TV on at the same time? No problem.
But as an adult with a multitude of mandatory jobs as a parent and a wife, and many other creative endeavors I aspire to experience and learn, I have long been overwhelmed by my possibilities.
I write again and again about my brimming to do lists. And have gotten to the point where I long to have a good long crafting day without worrying about how dirty the toilets are. Because they are dirty right now. And how could I possibly think of doing anything fun when I have a potential health safety issues to take care of in my bathrooms.
When possibilities become a problem, it’s time to take a hard look at why you’ve collected them and what it is that you need to let go of or embrace to make a how to move on plan.
If you can, separate them into different categories after you spill them. Perhaps you see a pattern of visits with people and cards to write. You could be in need of people intouch-ness. Crafting projects galore? You may need some creative time. Cleaning and fixing? You need a space that’s in order and unbroken. There’s nothing at all wrong with any of your needs. They’re asking for your compassionate attention.
Somehow, I have an unwritten rule book in my head about which things can happen before the other things happen. It’s a conscious unquestionable choice that I must have my kitchen cleaned before I get on with the rest of the day. Dirty bathrooms would make my Virgoan Grandmother roll over in her grave. But I can call myself on it and choose differently today. Because I am actually in charge of this vehicle called family and life. Don’t anyone try to tell me different. I can also say no thank you to anyone else trying to throw stuff down on my to do list without me choosing to put it there.
Now is the only time you’ll ever have. Make it possible to have the things that are most important happen in a “now” coming soon to you. Schedules and lives and priorities change. If the time isn’t now, do not however doubt that there will probably be a time in your future when you’ll be able to sit and knit. Or write your novel or just read a book. Mine. Sigh. A little faith here on the knowing-there-will-be-a-time will allow for the release of the anxiety of not being able to do so now. You may find that this perspective change will shift you into a place of permission to do it sooner. Or you’ll revel in the knowledge that you are not giving up, just allowing this to be a two-year from now goal.
Plop that bad boy right into you schedule. My husband says it’s harder to make an appointment than break it. When you get to that moment in your life, that day with that activity scheduled, it may be entirely possible that you may have to cancel. But it’s equally possible that you’ll have opened up a door to make progress.
Even the smallest activities can be scheduled as opposed to waiting for the “right time”. On your phone calendar or your wall calendar, you can write tasks in at 30 minute intervals. A half hour to clean/clear a closet. A half hour to wash all the fan blades in the house. A half hour to read. Keep your expectation about that task at that time and you may surprise yourself with your progress with this method.
I find when you are not actively involved in any of your possibilities, it can make you feel anxious. Take one action step towards any of your goals/activities, and you’ll feel so much better. Even one work-out always makes me feel proud. A half hour with some paper, glue, and markers to work on making a card for a friend and I’m invigorated.
When there’s too many important tasks, nothing’s important. When you overwhelmed by your options, or your obligations, you lose your priorities and your clarity. Perhaps it’s partly about the permission we give ourselves to move on. And maybe it’s also about our lousy methods to organize our thoughts and our time around what we feel we want to do and what we must do. I do think we can outsmart ourselves and using the above mentioned tasks as guides and inspiration, there’s more than a little chance that our possibilities can become the probabilities we want them to become.
Jan 28, 2015
Mark was out-of-town and I was worn out and thin from the daughter I was beginning to now call “toddler”. Fits of crying and negativity left me hankering for a glass of wine night after night. I “needed” my edge smoother, I thought.
But I also worried that I might have a problem. I worried that everyone else thought I had a problem. Ask an alcoholic and they’re sure everyone is one too. Ask the child of an addict and they are waiting to become one too. Every man I ever dated, and the first one I married, had drinking or substance abuse problems. So did I have one too? The worrying about it made me want to drink my glass or two or three of wine all the more.
I grew up witnessing my father operate in much the same mode as Stephen King described of his early work process in his book On Writing. Quantities of drinking to get quantities of writing and work done. Drink, work, and repeat. And nights in my youth were sometimes spent drinking to get drunk.
In more recent years, I didn’t obsess all day about my next glass of wine. I wasn’t hiding my use. I just assumed that come wine thirty, it would be time to pour a glass and relax. Although, I didn’t drank until I was falling down or slurring drunk, I worried that this casual use to calm my nerves was a problem that I was not in control to stop. I was building a tolerance and a midsection. Because most of all, I really didn’t like my wine belly on top of my post 40 something pregnancy belly.
If I’m a role model who says ‘No’ to her children, doesn’t that mean I should believe I have control and can obey my own No’s? Finally, I tested the waters and said,”Not this week”. Sometimes the biggest dare is to see if we really are in charge and have the guts to do something without ropes. In many cases, I think the wine was a given safety net. And I wanted to prove I could handle life without it. And I did.
Every day I’d say “See, your life is calm enough to do without that anxiety queller.” And it did wonders for how much I trust myself to have restraints. And to know I’m in charge, not the anxieties or the chosen substances to appease these fears. I proved I am running the show and my fears are not. And eventually, even when I am at my most stressed, I do not think about drinking or my long departed pal nicotine anymore.
Wine drinking has reached epic casual joking heights online. So many memes extolling the virtues of this method of “relaxation”. Not enough wine in the world kinda stuff. It’s not the wine that is in question, it’s our assumption that everyone is “using” it in the same way. And it’s a razor wire to walk. These references are shared in the kinda way that makes you complicit for your participation in the joke. You won’t judge me if you and I are both in it together.
It is OK to be stressed out. And Moms absolutely need to figure out some way to make the stress of today OK in some way. Anxiety is a real feeling, and more common than you know, and despondency isn’t good. Talking with someone may be the better choice to work out other choices. A depressant doesn’t help depression.
Grant that substance use is not abuse, yet it’s over use is also a sign that you may need to step up for your own needs and support yourself through those very real fears. And needing wine isn’t the same as wanting it.
I didn’t believe I could kick my fears or using the wine to quell the fear until I actually bravely did it. And although the first week was a tough one, the next week I said no to playing into the week’s anxieties and I had kicked my daily wine habit. On the weekend, I may say yes. And then during the week cold turkey again if it is an habitual action. I am the only one who knows how much and why I’ll drink now and it’s really my business but… I can tell you, I am not an alcoholic. And that certainty means so much to me in the light of what I grew up with. It really comes down to what I believe about myself and my truth is mine to know and be proud of while I live it.
Nov 3, 2014
My butt got a good kicking by that Mercury in retrograde thing this past October. Maybe a little awareness that it was descending onto my life would have been good so I could have a heads up to brace myself for what was to befall me. Otherwise, nothing to do but wait the storm out. And what a storm it was too.
The month of October had taken on grand planning proportions. Great big happenings got crammed into it’s borders. First, a 30th High School reunion for the school I never ended up graduating from. Then the trifecta event weekend that included special event decorating for the Jazz Club themed fundraiser, the Blogger’s Meet-up I was organizing, and a trip into DC on my own via the Metro to a Smithsonian museum to hear Kim Werker talk Creativity, Ugly Style.
The week before the reunion, my worry and anticipation (read anxiety) turned into a black hole that I wanted to fall down into. All I could do was just go do something distractionary as my brain refused to listen to any reasoning. Thankfully, by the day of the reunion, I was happy with my outfit and wasn’t really nervous on my journey North West to the suburbs of Baltimore to see my classmates from 30 years prior at my high school reunion I would finally attend. It was a huge bookend for me.
The following weekend of the event trifecta, I kept putting one foot in front of the other and truly felt each endeavor was successful. It was a lot of stuffand yet I proved when you do your homework, think hard about what else you need to do, and then show up fully present, it all works out well. Maybe not as you’ve expected, but good anyways. And the cherry on top? Did I mention I was also writing and posting 31 days worth of blog posts too?
My two kids thankfully seem very happy and well adjusted despite my brain mayhem, and as the Halloween weekend came to a close, I felt like a rockstar Mama. My oldest had a case of Pneumonia starting Thursday and we still managed to take good care of him, go trick or treating, carve pumpkins, eat homemade waffles, and enjoy each other’s company despite being trapped in the house all together for the weekend.
There’s a very amusing Jewish folktale from Poland entitled “It Could Be Worse”. Essentially when you’ve had all of it piled up on top of you all at once and you’ve dealt with it, and then you take it away, you will appreciate the peace much more than you did before. Also, I now know that when I say I don’t have time, sometimes that’s true. And sometimes I’m telling myself this to avoid getting onto bigger stuff. Breakthrough stuff. Empowering stuff. Good stuff.
The biggest stuff I’ve recently decided I’m missing in my life is continued creativity. Spontaneous joyful creating just for the sake of creating. Stuff that doesn’t come from my think box but from the wind passing over my shoulder. And I truly know now that if that ain’t happening, nothing in my life is quite right. I’ve tried it the other way, doling out creative opportunity like it was some sort of reward for dutifully doing all of my other adult chores. It is hard and for what reason?
Currently, my house is clean, there’s laundry chugging, and I am ready to move on to the big blockages. I’ve been thinking a lot and I don’t like the story I’ve been telling myself and I want to rewrite it. The one where I can’t because? That one.
I’m off to start a new chapter in releasing creative flow and energy by tackling all the tasks I keep meaning to get to but secretly hold myself captive by not doing. The first one is Fiona’s room. I’ve been almost finished redecorating her room for a year now. And I’m tired of that never-ending story. It needs editing. So here’s to editing the story. I’ll let you know about my revisions.
Oct 11, 2014
Quite honestly, there was never a time when I wasn’t anxious. I have always been anxious. The baby was three weeks old and boy was I anxious. I’ve always felt anxious and therefore I was. Got it honestly from my family.
I was so used to being this way that, in college, my growing stomach pains were just something I tried to ignore. Until one day I was told I had gastritis and soon to have an ulcer. I tried to mend my anxious ways. The pain would come and go but it wasn’t really until a year ago that I actually got rid of them without the aid of medication. Which, by the way, I’d have had no problem taking. I believe in better living through over-the-counter pharmaceuticals.
I still have phantom anxiety pains. Moments where I recognize that in the past I would have worried about this or that, but the worry is just not there anymore. Like a missing limb, the anxiety no longer exists but I still remember its use. This week I had an overall sense of disease however. And I wouldn’t call it anxiety but I certainly wouldn’t have said no to some Wellbutrin just to tweak my brain a little until I got over myself. I am moving through the spell thanks to hard work, meditation, list therapy, and prioritizing my doing.
My theory has always been that the majority of the US population suffers from anxiety problems and symptoms. And that it is so accepted as a human behavior that we call that normal. And then I took a look at the statistics and verified my hunch. From the Anxiety Disorders association of America, statistics on anxiety:
- Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).
- Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment.
- GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population.
Women are twice as likely to be affected as men
I can say that lessening the worry about things I can’t control has definitely changed the quality of my life. I am also deeply respectful of the reasons people have earned their worried ways. We are never told it’s OK to be not OK 100% of the time. Somehow America’s promotion of the Perfecty Perfect Easy Existence has us constantly falling below our lives’ high expectations. Go figure. Imaginary Joneses to keep up with are everywhere. And really nowhere.
The change in my life is due to increasing my self-esteem and self-efficacy. To realize I’m always capable and I have my back. I’ve built on this concept in layers and waves. And when I take a look back to my old journals and see what I wrote, I really know how far I’ve come. And knowing that you can change your outlook if you work and learn and listen and read and write makes me feel better everyday. Anxiety should be revered and held to the light. Because it isn’t a nice way to exist. You need help to even help yourself out of that hole. And there’s plenty of help out there for the person who asks. The asking is better than the suffering.