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What if There’s Nothing Wrong

It’s kinda astounding the amount of limiting false beliefs I’ve been lugging around with me my entire life. I recently spoke about how I am not allowed to want anything. And how my unworthiness was a given. I have basically believed all my life that there is something wrong…with everything and me….all the time. It’s the mode from which I operate. I must fix it/me/them in order for life to be “right”. And then my therapist throws in, “What if there’s nothing wrong?”

Say What?

Oh these pesky therapists!

What I thought about was that helplessness is hard. We’d rather scrabble and scratch, eek out any different outcome than admit that we are where we need to be or, gasp, we have no control. What can you do if you have no power to change something? We can only accept what is. That’s it. Acceptance. And that seems so much harder than changing it? Yes.What if there was nothing wrong on Shalavee.com

What if the fixes and changes we perceive are just the way your world is meant to be. And what it the things you have been leaving alone are exactly the places you need to exert your energy. I do think that we often focus on stuff that distracts us fro our bigger journeys. Our fear disguises tasks as necessary and useful. And we all know if we’d rather pluck our eyeball out than doing it, it probably doesn’t serve anyone, much less ourselves.

I suppose it’s a matter of stepping back, staying still, and having faith more than just barreling along. Being grateful and thoughtful and taking care of that pesky anxiety problem in whatever fashion you can. Because there may be nothing wrong or there may be something that needs fixing but assuming it’s always broken isn’t really any fun anymore.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Throwback to Summer Two Years Ago

I came across this, my last newsletter from two years ago. So much has happened since then. If you are a regular reader, you’ll already know that I finally gave myself permission to ask for anxiety medication last November, 2018. So this newsletter is a snapshot of who I used to be. My hope is to begin these again sooner than later!

As the Summer gains speed, I’d like to start the practice of being in touch with my readership. You’ll still find three new posts weekly sent out at 6:30 am on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Our seasonal shuffle of schedules and routines may disconnect us so I thought I should remind you I’m still out here, processing what I see and think and offering my thoughts back to the world via my authentic thoughtful writing.

 

I am not sure why it is that I go looking for something to be dissatisfied with. It’s called “borrowing trouble” when you look for problems. But there I am, still in my pajamas, feeling defeated for the unaccomplished tasks I see. The house is always a half-empty mess even when it’s clean. As if the dissatisfaction will spurn me on to work harder or create a more perfect life. It’s all crap. A Cognitive Distortion I favor.

I would like to maintain a more neutral gaze on my world. Allow for things to just be as they are. Let the dirt glowing in the morning sunbeam mean nothing to my worth as an individual. Let the fact that I don’t have my life goals enthusiastically and fearlessly planned for years to come mean nothing at all. I want to be here now please witnessing the growth of my kids and the fruition of my purpose.. 

And after I maintain mindful neutrality for several weeks without breaking into hives over the unaccomplished, I want to begin to truly appreciate my life now. To effortlessly see my gratitude in the everyday moments. I want that to be my daily mode, zenning through my Summer days with my children. And basking in the knowledge that this is in fact all there ever is and all I really wanted anyway. Peace and Joy.

 

Until this happens, I’ll be over here creating my never-ending to do list and feeling anxious about whatever strikes my fancy today. Or maybe staring at my cup and wishing it would fill up with all the things I’ve yet to accomplish. And squandering a few of the beautiful moments in between. Sigh. May my mindfulness catch up to me quickly.

Hope your Summer (or Winter if you’re on opposite bits of the world) is a time of slowing down, regrouping, or reflection on that which matters most to you. I am concentrating on my little ones and the inner value of me. Expect new newsletters to come more frequently and perhaps a few videos like I did last Summer? This one on confidence was good. I am also recording myself reading aloud the posts and you can find the link at the bottom of each of my recent posts at www.Shalavee.com .

 

 
My Creative May project brought me more creative confidence  and has stretched into and through June as I joined the #Icad (index card a day) challenge. There are prompts to inspire the making of art, I choose mostly to collage, on 4 x 6 index cards daily. You can watch my progress in Instagram.
Read about my updated Summer plan to create in the cool peace of my craft room in How Summer Did Not Start Out Like Plummeting Space Junk . And you can listen to me read this post via Soundcloud at the bottom of the post ! Three posts still go out weekly to subscribers on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on those subjects I like to go on about like self-trust and creativity. You can always count on my voice to reflect my honesty and my angst.

Grabbing the Opportunity to Not Betray Myself

is a post on how easy it is to do laundry instead of the work you need to do. And what you are telling yourself about your worth when you do that. (Hint: It’s mean.) Read it here and when there, you can scroll to the bottom of this post listen to it via Soundcloud.

What 2018 Taught Me

I felt like I was making great strides in growing myself last year, 2018. I was feeling more sure of what my creativity was giving me both personally and perhaps professionally. I offered up a Wholehearted Living piece to a writer friend’s blog. And I started to create my own theory on the inverse relationship of creativity and anxiety. I felt a rhythm was coming.

And then I suffered an anxiety setback that set me reeling. I abandoned my aspirations and hunkered down to ride out the storm. And I took myself to the doctor’s and asked for medicinal help. Because pain is your body telling you that it needs help.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

Why had I waited so long, I asked the doctor. He said “Stigma”. I had made it my goal trying to prove that anxiety can be conquered by therapy and creativity. And I was admitting I was wrong. I felt defeated and yet, once I had the medication cooking, I felt the hope of perhaps finally moving from a stuck place. And 9 months later, I was right. I have grieved my ego loss and moved on to what was beyond. Possibilities don’t feel like burdens of tasks I’m unable to do but rather hopes for a fun future.

Last year taught me that you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You have to ask for help and sometimes, give up and do something different. And you are the only one who can make the best decisions for you. Even if those decisions are hard to make. Because I think the hardest part of making a decision is making the decision. After that it’s just following through and seeing what happens next.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

My wish for 2018 for myself was for perspective, safety, joy, inspiration, value, chances, strength, hope, and comfort. And “to live within my creative zone often enough to keep me joyful, true to myself, and to be able to appreciate this action and the interaction with my fellow people who know the truth of me.” I’d say that I fulfilled most of those intentions and then some last year. I feel creatively satiated and held by a growing community and I am trusting that I will take care of me in the coming years.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Creativity Couldn’t Cure Me

Back in November, I had what I’ve referred to as an emotional fallout. It was like an anxiety caused implosion which caused me a couple days of waiting and watching the grief I was experiencing. I consequently took myself to my doctor and asked for some anti-anxiety meds. While these were exactly what I’d needed for a very long time, this also caused me a new wave of grief for admitting to a failure to “fix” myself without them. Creativity couldn’t cure me.

I am a devoted self-development practitioner. I have been chasing a better more confident version of myself since my teens. I have peeled back layer upon layer in order to understand myself. And last year, I was devoted to developing a theory about how creativity can be used to battle and quell the anxiety monster.

Creativity Couldn't Cure Me on Shalavee.com

I wanted this to be the outright answer to all of it. I wanted Creativity to be my savior, my answer, my magic potion. I hosted creativity challenges and participated in them and every time, I felt my soul grow. So when the first anxiety episode happened after giving a speech on the inverse relationship of anxiety and creativity, and then again after I held a workshop on creativity, I was devastated. I was an impostor.

I grieved for what felt like giving up and giving in. I wasn’t so much worried about the stigma of taking the medication as much as I was worried my theory had lost it’s wind, it’s proof in me. Like saying yes to medication was disproving all that I had worked on. And I was also sad that I hadn’t made this choice so much earlier because the relief that it gave me was astounding. No more underlying anxiety buzz in my brain means that I can carry out and finish more wonderful creative projects.

Creativity Couldn't Cure Me on Shalavee.com

But now I think I am done grieving and I am moving into a less all or nothing zone and more of “whatever works” zone. I say do it all and keep doing whatever works. Happiness is all it’s cracked up to be and there will never be a disadvantage to being creative. It brings you joy when you permit yourself to give into it.

I’m not sure what my all or nothing attitude was supposed to get me. I can tell you that I am now engaging in another type of therapy called EMDR to dig specifically into why these episodes happened and how I can learn from them instead of feeling ashamed of them. And I am certain I won’t have another one again as long as I am on this medication.

Anxiety is a sucky way to live and your wellness plans are up to you. Yes you can tell stories about yourself but make sure that you are authoring them and that you work very hard to give them happy endings!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Bump in My Summer Road

I need to share a little bump in my road that happened at the end of the school year that I had to recover from. On top of having all the end of year concerts and recitals and parties, a mix-up at the pharmacy led to an unintentional cold turkey off of my new anxiety meds. This was something my doctor said Do Not Do.

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

When I became weepy and had a constant stomach ache, I knew something was wrong. I’d been taking the wrong prescription and since I never have my contacts in yet when I take my medicines, it was a while before it got straightened out.

This was the first year that I went on vacation and didn’t feel all whacked out from anxieties while I packed, traveled, and stayed at our Ocean City, Maryland getaway. We all had fun and relaxed. And that’s what a vacation is supposed to be about. Whoda Thunk?

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

These are the concepts I’m coming back to this week and today that are grounding me and guiding me toward a better Summer.

*Self-compassion is the best tool to get you out of a self-judgment loop in your head.

*Be grateful and show your gratitude for friends, food, and lodgings. These are well earned privileges.

*Use what you have and let go of what no longer serves you.

*Be completely present for the people in your life. Tell them the truth.

A bump in my Summer Road on Shalavee.com

*Show up for yourself. Give yourself opportunities to be proud of you.

*Give your wisdom away.

*Get outside as much as possible.

*Seek help for anything that you need.

*Create everyday.

Worked hard in the garden finishing up for the small Garden Party gathering I’m having next Sunday. The unveiling of my commitment to take back the disaster area that was my garden. I’m always at my best and most productive when I have guests coming and a party to prepare for.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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