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Yes Butters

I used to chat with my friend’s father all the time. We would have long discussions in which he would be the star but his life just never seemed to go his way. I would always offer up helpful advice or perspective busters, as I do. And his answer was always, “Yes but….”. After many sessions of these discussions I finally realized that, while I had been baited to listen, his commitment to taking any responsibility for the events in his life was lacking. And so I would get caught in the stream of Yes Buts.

I propose that there are several levels of Yes Butism and types of Yes Butters.yes Butters on Shalavee.com

There are the constant victims who are perpetually put upon. Their lives are full of strife, uproar, chaos, and drama. This was my life once. So complicated. I lived that one for a very long time. People gave up even asking me to join them because I’d always say no. I didn’t deserve to have fun. Life was hard and I needed to keep it that way.

Then there’s the people who say it’s fine, it’s fine, and then every once and a while, have a complete social meltdown. They get lots and lots of pity and attention and then they may go back to being perfectly fine again. Nothing that you said to them truly made a difference because they just needed your sympathy and not your advice. They may be kind enough to yes but/thank you for your voice but you really can only help by saying you are sorry. They’s got a system working for them.

And then there’s the people who have yes butted everyone’s advice all-the-time-forever and so they are never going to ask your opinion because they are different from you and everyone else and they never needed anyone’s help ever. Help would make them inferior. Humanity is unacceptable.

yes Butters on Shalavee.com

Any of these people sound familiar to you? Do you bait people with tragedy and then tell them thank you but there’s just no way to change the situation or to help them. I am naturally drawn to want to assist people. I have a wealth of knowledge I’d like to share. But I forget that just because people act like they’d like to hear what I have to say, doesn’t mean they really want to hear what I have to say. They may be right where I used to be and I have to respect their need to be stuck. And unless I’m good with just being talked at, I need to not spend as much time with these people.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Recent Shift from I Can’t to I Can

My consciousness of my thoughts and the world brought a new concept to me recently which resonated. Do I think that “the world is for me or against me” ? Say something bad happens to me today, do I think that I deserve this? Is the world thwarting me in my efforts to rise? It may sound silly but I do believe that for most of my life, I had a tragic sense of lost or missed worth. That the world knew that I was less than and I was just complying with that decision until I was worth more. So yes, I believe I’ve held the belief that the world was against me. And That I couldn’t. But now I’m starting to believe I can.

I do however recognize that if I believe I will receive help from the world, I will then manifest that help. If that means speaking to anyone who will listen about what I’m trying to manifest, then there’s the trick. We can not rise alone after all. And if the “world” means everyone I meet, I might as well hedge my bets on having them “for me”. I may need to behave as if I assume everyone will be nice and helpful. I truly think most people are.I can on Shalavee.com

I also recently realized that I’ve held tight to a belief that I Can’t do a lot of things. I’m not sure I’m looking at any evidence that supports that, it’s just generally something I’ve believed…until recently. If the world was against me and I lacked every skill ever to accomplish anything than perhaps “I can’t”. But I intuited too that if I believed I can’t then I don’t have to try because I already know how it’s going to turn out. I can’t.

But in a practice I’ve adopted recently where maybe every other day, I write out 5 things or more that I’ve accomplished, I’ve begun to understand that there’s a whole heck of a lot more that I’m capable of than I ever thought myself capable of before. And the shift from I Can’t to I Can’t has been kind of surprising and lovely.I can on Shalavee.com

In a brain space where I Can, I have so much more room.  If I Can then …

  • I can decide what dreams I feel like pursuing and not pursue others’
  • I can make confident decisions about what clutter in my mind and my space can be thrown out
  • I can start anything with the understanding that my best effort is always pretty good and good enough
  • I can risk
  • I can plot new goals and new adventures for myself to enjoy
  • I can stay present

As I am sitting here deciding what to decide, to let go of, and what to do next, I realize that the “I Can” decision is one of the most mighty and empowering shifts, and gifts, I could have had. How about You? Can You?

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

January Decisions

Like a permanent pause, the winter break has extended out with snowy weather. We are all at home again today doing what work or play needs to be done. I am trying stay patient, understanding that this too shall pass and we’ll be busy busy busy again soon enough. It’s an odd place to be. But I also realize it is an opportunity to look at the decisions I need to make about who I want to be this year. And see if I’m prioritizing others over myself. And what fears I may be avoiding.

See, not too long ago I was an underachieving overachiever. My stress coping system of Industrious Overfocused combined with my never enough attitude had me doing amazing amounts of work and never giving myself the credit.January Decisions on Shalavee.com

The work looked like writing, housework, volunteerism, social media making, children’s care-taking, and a good bit of exercise. I have always been a runner. Of course I never thought any of the work or exercise was enough. I’ve always been sure I just could do better than I’ve done. I just needed more. More time, more resolve, more organization.

But in the past several months, I was forced to stop. My sinus surgery mandated that I needed to literally sit down. I couldn’t exercise for three weeks as I had a wound near my brain essentially. And that combined with the ongoing battle against the pain in my hip/back joint had me down for the count. I was forced to be still. I am now emerging from this place.January Decisions on Shalavee.com

I have decisions to make. I must decide if I’m old. I must decide if what I aspire to do is for other people or for myself. I must discern whether my work is important enough to prioritize over all other busyness, sometimes family even, or whether it’s OK to prioritize them over myself. It’s all my choice.

January gives us the opportunity to regroup, recenter, and redecide where we stand in our own lives. We just need to rise to our own occasion of deciding what’s next and why and who for. And we need to have a dishwasher that works.January Decisions on Shalavee.com

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are?

My daughter is just starting elementary school now in Pre-K. I am again besieged by notifications and permission slips galore just like back when Eamon was in Kindergarten and there was “homework”. See my recent repost of my piece Kindergarten Homework here. All sorts of good intentions being bantered back and forth between educator and parent about how to best raise/educate our kids.

Within a hunk of papers distributed by the school this week, a subscription newsletter from a parents-institute, I read this headline:

“Parents Must Encourage their Children to Develop Self-respect”

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

( I immediately thought, Well yes, and what about those parents who already see educators as bossy jackasses thinking, “you can’t tell me what I must do with my kids because I’m not going to be bossed by smartass educational type people”. Shut that down.)

Of course I knew it was well-meant and read further. Essentially, children who are disrespectful don’t have any self-respect. Sometimes that’s what hides behind lack of respect for authorities. If we don’t value ourselves, we’re certainly not valuing others. And eventually the justice system needs to show us our worth. This is what the article said self-respect came down to being composed of.

Self-respect comes from:

Competence – Being good at things makes your kid feel good. Children need lots of opportunities to master skills and feel good about themselves while they do. New skills from sports to art to chores can give them a chance to like themselves while they master those skills. And no one standing over them telling what a bad job they did either.

Accomplishments – They need their progress seen and noted.By everyone but mostly by parents. See above.

Confidence – This can be about pointing out how all the work paid off and acceptance that sometimes we falter to succeed. Mistakes can be learned from and we need to know we can rely on ourselves to make things happen.

Freedom – Allow kids to be independent and make their own age-appropriate choices. Let them chose when things can be done and how sometimes. Showing them you trust them makes them trust them.

Support – Accept your children for who and what they are. Let them belong to the family instead of having to fit into your vision of what they should be. Ask them about their day. Listen and witness their answers and help solve their problems if they ask for it.

Imitation – Be the person you want them to model themselves after. They will do as you do. So if you have low self-esteem and anxiety issues, they will too. Be kind to yourself and stand firm for them with their demands as well so that they may see what standing firm looks like.

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

Invisible sword fighting

If you paid attention to even most of these, you’d have a pretty great kid. Personally, I got lost between the family cracks and did not have most of these attentions paid me but yes, I’m paying them to my kids. And then I thought, what kind of parents are we to ourselves? I feel like I can tend to be on the side of almost abusive self-parenting if I allow me to continue to berate and judge myself for the myriad of things I seem to do “wrong”.

What if we took these steps above and applied them to ourselves, which is truly necessary if we are actually parents because our kids do as we do, not as we say. What kind of parents do we want to be to ourselves? Compassionate and kind or judgemental and punitive?  Just like these children, we go out into the society and make our own contributions based on our self-worth and respect so shouldn’t we give ourselves these gifts as well to give us an edge up on our lives? I could use with a little more self-respect in my world, couldn’t you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman

The process of valuing myself and what I have to offer the world all comes down to visibility and on choosing whether to be seen or whether to stay the invisible woman. Fear of unspoken imagined horrors like public ostracization will keep us from coming out and being our truest selves. We’ll put on “I’m fine” shows for our perceived audience while all the while hoping no one gets wind that we are anything but fine. I am so guilty of that.

I’ve written many times about how I felt I was invisible. I couldn’t see myself in a mirror because I had no value. And then I came into the public eye online. And as much as you’d think I’d think myself so so visible now with Twitter and Instagram accounts and two Facebook pages plus a blog, I still manage to stay hidden.Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman on Shalavee.com

I maintain my own status quo. I write three posts a week which may or may not be read. And I show up on Instagram everyday and repost that to Facebook, but I am still very hidden. Crazy considering the content I share is very deep right?

But I am holding myself back from risking more rejection to gather more readers. I do not care for playing the numbers and counting my followership. I care about providing real people with the real truth I have to give and hope that it will be of help to them. But if I do not reach outside my comfort zone and risk to write for a bigger audience, I am stifling my reach and my writing. I am choosing to stay invisible. And I think my message and many other messages in the world are worth receiving.

So, as with many of the moments when I find that what I am doing is no longer serving me but feel stuck against changing them, I am going to make myself a challenge here. A hundred days of visibility challenge. Yes, I’ll post for a hundred days in row on my Shalavee.com Facebook page about the stuff I’m doing to be more visible or tell the public telling things about myself. I will risk. And I’ll do it daily. I honestly didn’t think of doing this until I began writing this post so WOW. We’ll see what this does for me. I will start my challenge today so if you are on Facebook, I encourage you to find my Shalavee.com Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ShalaghblogsatShalavee/ .Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman on Shalavee.com 

How does one be more visible you ask? Instead of doing constantly for others,you choose to do things for you and for the greater good and you own those self goals out loud. You ask for help for yourself claiming your worthiness in your community. You tell people about feeling scared or vulnerable. You show your imperfections. You apologize for your mistakes. Be truthful and see how quickly you are freed from your fearful bonds of the “what ifs”. You see yourself as being there for yourself and reliable and trustworthy to have your valuable needs met.

And you risk rejection in the places that mean the most to you if you win.

So here’s to not being the invisible woman anymore. Here’s to being read and celebrated and supported for my talent. Here’s to no longer fearing just being myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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