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Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are?

My daughter is just starting elementary school now in Pre-K. I am again besieged by notifications and permission slips galore just like back when Eamon was in Kindergarten and there was “homework”. See my recent repost of my piece Kindergarten Homework here. All sorts of good intentions being bantered back and forth between educator and parent about how to best raise/educate our kids.

Within a hunk of papers distributed by the school this week, a subscription newsletter from a parents-institute, I read this headline:

“Parents Must Encourage their Children to Develop Self-respect”

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

( I immediately thought, Well yes, and what about those parents who already see educators as bossy jackasses thinking, “you can’t tell me what I must do with my kids because I’m not going to be bossed by smartass educational type people”. Shut that down.)

Of course I knew it was well-meant and read further. Essentially, children who are disrespectful don’t have any self-respect. Sometimes that’s what hides behind lack of respect for authorities. If we don’t value ourselves, we’re certainly not valuing others. And eventually the justice system needs to show us our worth. This is what the article said self-respect came down to being composed of.

Self-respect comes from:

Competence – Being good at things makes your kid feel good. Children need lots of opportunities to master skills and feel good about themselves while they do. New skills from sports to art to chores can give them a chance to like themselves while they master those skills. And no one standing over them telling what a bad job they did either.

Accomplishments – They need their progress seen and noted.By everyone but mostly by parents. See above.

Confidence – This can be about pointing out how all the work paid off and acceptance that sometimes we falter to succeed. Mistakes can be learned from and we need to know we can rely on ourselves to make things happen.

Freedom – Allow kids to be independent and make their own age-appropriate choices. Let them chose when things can be done and how sometimes. Showing them you trust them makes them trust them.

Support – Accept your children for who and what they are. Let them belong to the family instead of having to fit into your vision of what they should be. Ask them about their day. Listen and witness their answers and help solve their problems if they ask for it.

Imitation – Be the person you want them to model themselves after. They will do as you do. So if you have low self-esteem and anxiety issues, they will too. Be kind to yourself and stand firm for them with their demands as well so that they may see what standing firm looks like.

Does “Self-respecting” Describe the Parent and Self-parent You Are? on Shalavee.com

Invisible sword fighting

If you paid attention to even most of these, you’d have a pretty great kid. Personally, I got lost between the family cracks and did not have most of these attentions paid me but yes, I’m paying them to my kids. And then I thought, what kind of parents are we to ourselves? I feel like I can tend to be on the side of almost abusive self-parenting if I allow me to continue to berate and judge myself for the myriad of things I seem to do “wrong”.

What if we took these steps above and applied them to ourselves, which is truly necessary if we are actually parents because our kids do as we do, not as we say. What kind of parents do we want to be to ourselves? Compassionate and kind or judgemental and punitive?  Just like these children, we go out into the society and make our own contributions based on our self-worth and respect so shouldn’t we give ourselves these gifts as well to give us an edge up on our lives? I could use with a little more self-respect in my world, couldn’t you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman

The process of valuing myself and what I have to offer the world all comes down to visibility and on choosing whether to be seen or whether to stay the invisible woman. Fear of unspoken imagined horrors like public ostracization will keep us from coming out and being our truest selves. We’ll put on “I’m fine” shows for our perceived audience while all the while hoping no one gets wind that we are anything but fine. I am so guilty of that.

I’ve written many times about how I felt I was invisible. I couldn’t see myself in a mirror because I had no value. And then I came into the public eye online. And as much as you’d think I’d think myself so so visible now with Twitter and Instagram accounts and two Facebook pages plus a blog, I still manage to stay hidden.Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman on Shalavee.com

I maintain my own status quo. I write three posts a week which may or may not be read. And I show up on Instagram everyday and repost that to Facebook, but I am still very hidden. Crazy considering the content I share is very deep right?

But I am holding myself back from risking more rejection to gather more readers. I do not care for playing the numbers and counting my followership. I care about providing real people with the real truth I have to give and hope that it will be of help to them. But if I do not reach outside my comfort zone and risk to write for a bigger audience, I am stifling my reach and my writing. I am choosing to stay invisible. And I think my message and many other messages in the world are worth receiving.

So, as with many of the moments when I find that what I am doing is no longer serving me but feel stuck against changing them, I am going to make myself a challenge here. A hundred days of visibility challenge. Yes, I’ll post for a hundred days in row on my Shalavee.com Facebook page about the stuff I’m doing to be more visible or tell the public telling things about myself. I will risk. And I’ll do it daily. I honestly didn’t think of doing this until I began writing this post so WOW. We’ll see what this does for me. I will start my challenge today so if you are on Facebook, I encourage you to find my Shalavee.com Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ShalaghblogsatShalavee/ .Hide and Seek : The Invisible Woman on Shalavee.com 

How does one be more visible you ask? Instead of doing constantly for others,you choose to do things for you and for the greater good and you own those self goals out loud. You ask for help for yourself claiming your worthiness in your community. You tell people about feeling scared or vulnerable. You show your imperfections. You apologize for your mistakes. Be truthful and see how quickly you are freed from your fearful bonds of the “what ifs”. You see yourself as being there for yourself and reliable and trustworthy to have your valuable needs met.

And you risk rejection in the places that mean the most to you if you win.

So here’s to not being the invisible woman anymore. Here’s to being read and celebrated and supported for my talent. Here’s to no longer fearing just being myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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I Return to the Matter of Self-Value

I am always circling around to a question of my self-value. I stop short of setting goals or understanding my purpose for the simple fact that I do not understand my worth. I suspect I’m not alone in this either. So many women are waiting for permission to value themselves.

I picked up a self-development book by Rhonda Britten called Change Your Life in 30 Days, in which one of the daily tasks is to list five acknowledgements of things I’ve accomplished. And this seems to be a good task for refueling the self-value tank. So often, we would acknowledge anyone but ourselves for their contributions. But in crediting ourselves, we have actually added a value chip to our own pile. Continual practice of anything, “self-value-idation” included, will make you better at it. And I truly believe this is exactly where I need all my energy focused. I can’t truly contribute to the world unless I know the value of that contribution.

The next step for me will be to ask for validation from others. While my therapist says this is quite normal, the risk of being rejected and my value being refuted feels like a death wish. Definitely worth noting. But if writing is what I must do for the rest of my life, because the thought of not writing is now impossible, it seems a shame to waste my writing on only my ears. Might as well share it with an audience so that others may feel validated and inspired as well. Two for the price of one.I Return to the Matter of Self-Value on Shalavee.com

What I write is of meaning to me and I value the catharsis of the process. I’m endeavoring to increase my understanding of the value of my writing to know that what I write is everyone’s voice. Simple truths, Aha’s I find as I navigate my days are always of more soul value than any monetary worth. And by sharing them, I process and release them so that others may benefit from them as well.

So if you like what you have read, share it. Email a link to someone, share it on Facebook, or mark it to tell your sister-in-law about. Staying small and quiet has not truly ever benefited me. Nor am I a narcissistic megalomaniac who needs your approval to exist. But I have compassion for all those who feel isolated and alone and I don’t think this serves any one, surely not the next generation or the world. Our existence matters and we need to know it.

Perhaps you have a gift that you undervalue as well? Your thoughts are always appreciated here.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Impatience Makes You Feel You’ve Already Failed

Have you ever you read something and thought immediately you needed that to be true for you too? Sooner than Later. My journey through blogging and self-discovery has set me face to face with so many options and ideas on how to be and do. And it would seem that I often did myself an injustice with my impatience. I wanted desperately to change where I was on my journey timeline. I wanted to be successful and self-actualized already! But because I couldn’t, I felt perpetually bad instead.

Personally, and professionally, I had set my expectations and goals so high, I had to rise to them to be the person I have always meant to be Right Now, knowing everything and producing brilliance… or else I was a failure. Right Now.

There’s no room for humanity in there. There’s no room for growth, no acknowledgement of what I’d already accomplished, and nowhere to stand that’s not inside my skin that felt bad on me.

My impatience was a clue that I already thought I was a failure. The trick is, to move on, you actually have to be OK with where you are now. And then you have to trust yourself that you either posses or will find all the pieces to make that puzzle work. The true trick is in trusting yourself. Impatience Makes You Feel You've Already Failed on Shalavee.com

I came up with an acronym today for TRUST. Take Root Under (the) Self Tree.

We need to feel secure in our ability to shelter ourselves from the life storms. We have to feel grounded in our own vast amounts of knowledge and experience. We can not move on, trust others, or find our own work brilliant, if we don’t have a relationship with ourselves that isn’t hostile and anxiety filled. All that comes of that is more self-bullying and anxiety.

I discovered that being mean to myself and comparing myself and my blog to others and their bodies or bodies of work didn’t help motivate me in the least. So I have my grounding rock in my pocket, I’m sitting down each day to devote myself to my craft and my self-discovery. And my hope is that this work will pay off eventually. So for now, I’m going to trust the process and be OK with right where I am now.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Misunderstand and Misunderstood

Fact is, anytime we are out in the world, we have the possibility to encounter people. People who can be as wonderful as they are annoying. A chance to be misunderstood and misunderstand one another. A chance to experience the joy of human gifts of compassion as well as the same chance to create conflict.

I had two negative experiences in this world recently. But it was also pointed out to me that I am a knee jerk to feelings kinda person instead of considering the facts and circumstances and then deciding kinda person. Mostly, what happens in the world, especially with random strangers, isn’t about you. It only reflects the fears you may have about what people are thinking about you.

The first occurrence was at the grocery store. I had 27 items and entered the 12 items or less line with no one in the line or behind me. And as I’m unloading the cart , Fiona takes over, and I see a man with a basket behind us, and I begin to pack my own bags. I am the only customer who does this at this store. As the last item goes in, the teller who I’ve never seen before says, “For future reference, this aisle is for 12 items or less. People are in a hurry.” And I just smiled and told her the card reader hadn’t read my card when I’d swiped it. Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

It was shame attack. She was calling me rude and inconsiderate. I should have turned to the line behind me and apologized for the inconvenience and turned the thing around. But my daughter started to whine for candy. And I was done.

The next time I was there, I told Eamon to stare a hole through checker number 244 in the 12 item line again. I then let the gentlemen behind me in line play through as they had a beverage and were getting a bag of ice. I packed my own bags again. I felt I’d paid it forward. Who knows what her deal was but it was one of those moments that you continue to replay because you want it to un-happen. I know how many times I let people in front of me. And I always ask the checker if it’s OK if I have over a dozen items, except this once. Bad timing and I’m not rude.Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

The next situation was the other day when I got my last round of shots in my SI joints. The nurse needed to take my blood pressure before and after the procedure. I had not requested Valium this time for the procedure. I was already vulnerable, perhaps PMS, and then I had lots needles stuck into my backside. When I left the procedure room, I was so happy to be done. Until I sat back into the chair.

My blood pressure had raised. I assured her I didn’t need a blood pressure cuff at home. She pushed, “Well this is really high”. I said I had been to the doctors multiple times and I never had a problem. And we waited for a few minutes and then she took it again and insisted that I take my blood pressure when I’m just in my regular life, go into the Rite Aid she said. Surely she just meant well. When I got into the car, I cried. And over lunch, I read their release instructions. Seems steroid shots can elevate your blood pressure. No shit.

Again, she knows that the leading cause of women dying at my age is from stroking out, from high blood pressure. But after a dozen doctor’s appointments in the last three months, my husband agreed that I am usually 134/85. I felt vulnerable and what I chose was to go with feeling attacked. I was not giving her the benefit of being a nurse, even though her chair side manner had a bit to be desired. Again, I could have said,”I’m sure you are not trying to be condescending to me and you do realize I just had multiple needles stuck in my bum. But, just like the other situation, I just wanted out of there. I was held hostage in the last yucky procedure I plan to have this year.

It’s hard to separate ourselves from our circumstances and the people in them sometimes. We shade these occurrences, what’s happening with how we’re feeling. We see through those feelings and make a decision about what has happened. Or maybe that’s just me.Thanks for letting me rant. Because it is my blog.

That’s a few bad stories from my life recently but I promise there are way better stories happening now. I’ll be writing those next.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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