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Misunderstand and Misunderstood

Fact is, anytime we are out in the world, we have the possibility to encounter people. People who can be as wonderful as they are annoying. A chance to be misunderstood and misunderstand one another. A chance to experience the joy of human gifts of compassion as well as the same chance to create conflict.

I had two negative experiences in this world recently. But it was also pointed out to me that I am a knee jerk to feelings kinda person instead of considering the facts and circumstances and then deciding kinda person. Mostly, what happens in the world, especially with random strangers, isn’t about you. It only reflects the fears you may have about what people are thinking about you.

The first occurrence was at the grocery store. I had 27 items and entered the 12 items or less line with no one in the line or behind me. And as I’m unloading the cart , Fiona takes over, and I see a man with a basket behind us, and I begin to pack my own bags. I am the only customer who does this at this store. As the last item goes in, the teller who I’ve never seen before says, “For future reference, this aisle is for 12 items or less. People are in a hurry.” And I just smiled and told her the card reader hadn’t read my card when I’d swiped it. Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

It was shame attack. She was calling me rude and inconsiderate. I should have turned to the line behind me and apologized for the inconvenience and turned the thing around. But my daughter started to whine for candy. And I was done.

The next time I was there, I told Eamon to stare a hole through checker number 244 in the 12 item line again. I then let the gentlemen behind me in line play through as they had a beverage and were getting a bag of ice. I packed my own bags again. I felt I’d paid it forward. Who knows what her deal was but it was one of those moments that you continue to replay because you want it to un-happen. I know how many times I let people in front of me. And I always ask the checker if it’s OK if I have over a dozen items, except this once. Bad timing and I’m not rude.Misunderstand and misunderstood on Shalavee.com

The next situation was the other day when I got my last round of shots in my SI joints. The nurse needed to take my blood pressure before and after the procedure. I had not requested Valium this time for the procedure. I was already vulnerable, perhaps PMS, and then I had lots needles stuck into my backside. When I left the procedure room, I was so happy to be done. Until I sat back into the chair.

My blood pressure had raised. I assured her I didn’t need a blood pressure cuff at home. She pushed, “Well this is really high”. I said I had been to the doctors multiple times and I never had a problem. And we waited for a few minutes and then she took it again and insisted that I take my blood pressure when I’m just in my regular life, go into the Rite Aid she said. Surely she just meant well. When I got into the car, I cried. And over lunch, I read their release instructions. Seems steroid shots can elevate your blood pressure. No shit.

Again, she knows that the leading cause of women dying at my age is from stroking out, from high blood pressure. But after a dozen doctor’s appointments in the last three months, my husband agreed that I am usually 134/85. I felt vulnerable and what I chose was to go with feeling attacked. I was not giving her the benefit of being a nurse, even though her chair side manner had a bit to be desired. Again, I could have said,”I’m sure you are not trying to be condescending to me and you do realize I just had multiple needles stuck in my bum. But, just like the other situation, I just wanted out of there. I was held hostage in the last yucky procedure I plan to have this year.

It’s hard to separate ourselves from our circumstances and the people in them sometimes. We shade these occurrences, what’s happening with how we’re feeling. We see through those feelings and make a decision about what has happened. Or maybe that’s just me.Thanks for letting me rant. Because it is my blog.

That’s a few bad stories from my life recently but I promise there are way better stories happening now. I’ll be writing those next.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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The Relationship Trust Fund


A picture of the cover of a book called the Speed of Trust came up in my IG feed recently called the Speed of Trust. After reading a synopsis of the book , I was reminded that all affairs of the soul eventually find their way into “better ways to do business” books. And while trust is indeed an essential element in every relationship, personal or professional, the development of a trust fund within us for ourselves is often forgotten.

I spoke of the importance of making trust deposits here and building up trust funds with your family, especially your children. You better have extra trust in there for when things go a little rough and misunderstandings happen. If both parties were aware of the value of this surplus you’re building, it would be even better. We could appreciate the better times and work hard to mend ourselves in the worse ones.The Relationship Trust Fund on Shalavee.com

I am struck by all this gracious goodwill for everyone’s benefit except ourselves. Everything about and for ourselves we take for granted. We can’t hear our self-bullying words. We ignore ourselves and follow paths that aren’t ours, as well as feed, neglect, and dress our bodies according to others’ standards. We then quell our discontent and distrust of ourselves with Tv, booze, and sugar. Our own trust funds with ourselves are non-existent.

I am slowly coming to understand that my inner child has every reason to never trust me again. But that this trust is essential to my happiness and to find more purpose and create more meaningful work. She has to believe that I will keep her safe and not ignore her needs. That is how the trust fund begins to form with anyone as well as yourself. That showing self-compassion instead of employing judgement is the next step to this growing up process. The Relationship Trust Fund on Shalavee.com

And lastly, if I am a person who trusts myself and my own choices, then I’m someone who others will trust. Because “do as I say not as I do” never works for kids and it could be a deal breaker when I work with anyone else. Self-confidence and self-trust need a track record and I’m slowly starting to make one.

Anyone find this familiar? Do you trust you? I urge all thoughts here or anywhere I’m online. Links below.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem

Back to my therapy office this week after a long hiatus, I asked my therapist to help me continue to work on my value. That seems to be one area that is slow to move and grow in. Kinda like when we ran out of gas on the highway that one time and even adding 5 gallons wasn’t enough to start the car. (Fuel injection is persnickety that way. I curse gasoline anyway.) Sometimes the progress is imperceptible and doesn’t feel like enough.

Once your supply of esteem gets down below a certain point, I think it takes a lot to pull it back up to a functional place. A lot! And it’s the kinda thing where I think I’ve filled it up and then something big and bad happens and I feel it draining out the holes of my self-doubt and then those little niggling lies that you’ve heard in your head all your life creep back in. And you’re toasty.Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem on Shalavee.com

I thought today how low self-esteem and not valuing your worth is the reason for a lot of the crazy things people do. There are people who create mirages of perfection online so that no one will see they aren’t perfect. There are people who manipulate you to like them by outright lying. And the bullyers are plopping their self-doubt on your head so they don’t have to look at it in their own hats. Nasty people, harassing people, and depressed people are all suffering from the same deficit of self-love. We know what this feels like so you’d think we’d be a little more compassionate?Revisiting the Value of Me : Self-Esteem on Shalavee.com

But when you are staring at your own bleak walls, it’s awful hard to think of anyone else but yourself. And that makes me know that to be of any help in the world, I need to not be operating from this dark place anymore. I can not help the world or anyone else if I don’t have my inner room cleaned up and a little brighter. So I again go in to fight the good fight for truth and value, being my own super hero and asking for the world to mirror me the truth of my worth. Because I think mostly, we are all good and a little broken. And I respect your process to find a better place to be if you aren’t happy where you are.

Who’s with me and where are you? Do you have a problem valuing you too?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I May Already Be Living the Good Life That I Always Wanted

My everyday, nay, my every moment is full of my expectations. I anticipate how my day will play out. I base my feelings of how my day and my life is going on how I perceive it as compared to what I expected and then I pass a judgement on how it’s going. I’m not living the good life. The End.

 

I have a nasty habit of judging my glass to be half empty. Same fill line as half full but it’s the way I am used to seeing it. I think this way, if anything blindsides me with bad news or disappointment, I won’t have far to fall. I guard against joy.

 

But if this is all an habitual equation, a standard pair of sunglasses I’m so used to donning, I no longer notice them, then that means there’s a chance to back-peddle and find another way to seeing my life. Because I get the distinct feeling that my life is waaaayyyy better than I’m giving it credit for. The habit to guard against disaster and seeing it all as in need of fixing, is robbing me of my every day every moment high.

I May Already Be Living the Good Life That I Always Wanted on Shalavee.com

What if I am already living the life I always wanted? What if in this constant looking beyond to the future and then disregarding my now is robbing me of the one life I get to enjoy? Because I think that’s exactly what is going on.

 

I get to see my healthy children grow up every day. I get to create words and pictures as often as I choose. I have a supportive as heck husband and several really nice supportive communities. My healthcare is paid for and I have a new roof on my house. I’d say I have a lot to count my glass as half full. So here’s to taking my glasses back and getting the prescription and tint changed. I’ll settle for 20/40 and rose-tinted sunglasses.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Grabbing the Opportunity to Not Betray Myself

(Want to listen to me read this? check out the Soundcloud box at the bottom of the post)

I said I’d write and/or edit. I’d take the opportunity to make a piece of art with all this free time daycare provides me. But it would be so easy to blow myself off. Since I’m distracted after all, I might as well just do my laundry instead of sitting down to write or create. There’s always tomorrow and the day after. And every time I go and do that, I let myself down. I substantiate my unworthiness.

 

We can be such unreliable parents to ourselves. We mean no harm. There is in fact a lot we’re juggling and our priorities can get confused. But in the end, I know I chose fear over my creativity when I do that. I’m not fooling myself.

 Grabbing the Opportunity to Not Betray Myself on Shalavee.com

I might as well stand up and shout out the window, “I’m unworthy !!!”. Of spending time on and with. Of the dreams that I have hidden in my smallest pockets. Of the tender words and thoughts that deserve to be shared so that others may be allowed to say “Ahhh” or “Aha” or “thank you for putting words to how I feel”.

 

If I don’t gently and courageously nudge and urge my fearful self to stand in the light and say what I need to say with my words and my pictures then what I’m saying is that I’m unworthy of being heard. And I don’t think that’s true.Grabbing the Opportunity to Not Betray Myself on Shalavee.com

 

So, for myself and all the others that have yet to find the courage, I will show up today for myself. And Listen to what it is I have to say.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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