Today was a Monday back at the desk. I have been waiting all weekend to be free to write. And when I sat down and got myself organized, I found myself distracted and off-roading into a lathered dither about a snaffu I’m having with my pictures. I’m unhappy at not being able to do something the way I want to and created a Sabotage by overwhelm.
I’ve noticed that fear cleverly disguises itself as many seemingly logical and legitimate concerns and reasons to not do things. In my piece A Woman’s Worth, I describe how easy it is to run away from who you could be on your own and hide behind your value as a role not a person. Mother, wife, or even political volunteer can be a place to hide from stepping out and being who you truly could be but feel too vulnerable, to dependent, to afraid to do so.
I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too.
The easiest lies to buy are “I don’t have enough” time or money or experience. We buy these all day from others telling themselves by telling us. But the hard excuses are the ones where you just don’t feel like you have anything of worth to contribute. You are just as worthless as you’ve always suspected and so why try. When you have low self-esteem you spend a lifetime giving up. No matter how much you’ve proven you can, you can’t.
I will borrow others’ belief in me until I believe it too. I will set my goals, reduce the clutter, and take advantage of this time to move forward and be proud of my progress. And keep my eye out for the potholes of distraction and overwhelm.
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2 Comments
I am having a better day today than I have had in a while. I am further encouraged by your words:
“In my piece A Woman’s Worth, I describe how easy it is to run away from who you could be on your own and hide behind your value as a role not a person. Mother, wife, or even political volunteer can be a place to hide from stepping out and being who you truly could be but feel too vulnerable, to dependent, to afraid to do so.”
I’ve been willing to be super vulnerable, and it has meant that I’ve been hurt. I am remembering that it was still better to take the risk, that there is no shame in being vulnerable even if it doesn’t work out the way I hoped.
We are daughters who were emotionally scarred. We survived by keeping that stuff quiet. So it makes sense to fight that vulnerability. But if we do not allow ourselves to be seen for our true selves, we will never move out into the light. There is no choice. We need to shed the callouses.
Much love and compassion Tammy!