A Shame about the Gain

I woke up this morning in a mad at myself mood. I felt shame. I felt shame about my shame. Today was the day that I was going to cancel my Weight Watchers subscription. Because I would have been doing it for 2 months and lost my holiday weight. The weight ‘d allowed myself to gain because I knew I could do Weight Watchers! But I’m the one who gained weight on Weight Watchers!

Yup. 

So sick of being sick of myself. I feel ashamed because I don’t want my body to define me. I want body neutrality. That place where I forget to judge myself for this old lady body I’m suddenly walking around in.

I cringe to write this. I’ve been here before. The struggle to live where we are while allowing for the change is ever present. Except we can’t move unless we accept where we are. 

I have spent a lifetime of giving up on myself. So I decided to not cancel the subscription, ie. give up, and keep going. It is my fear of change and lack that keeps me from succeeding. I have a few updated tactics like “don’t act like I can go off my point count on the weekends”. And “do more core strengthening exercises weekly”. And find someone to be accountable to.

Everybody hates to hear a sad story. In this case the non-losing losing story. We want a winning story! But I also believe that self-compassion and authenticity are the only way to banish our shame. So I hand this all to you because my humanity is worth forgiving. And I’ma gonna keep on being me no matter how imperfectly I do it.

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