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Proof That I Have More Guts Than You

This past Friday, I willingly subjected myself to my obligatory “You just turned 50!” booby prize procedure and had my very first colonoscopy. Yes I know, am I really 50 already ? I made sure I dyed my daggone roots before I went so they would feel it necessary to card me and make sure I was old enough. Best news is, with this done, I have nothing more to dread for the upcoming year. And I was compelled to tell all because it seems I have more guts than most.

My body based homework from my annual exam included a full panel of bloodwork, my yearly mammogram (getting my boobies squashed), and that horror procedure reserved for the newest eligible members for the American Association of Retired Citizens, the colonoscopy.

This procedure is the number one thing everyone dreads. Foremost, it means you have to fast for 36 hours. You have to pop laxatives like they’re candy and then drink almost a gallon of fluid laced with thankfully tasteless stool softeners. It’s the prep that’s the hell. Concerned that I hadn’t yet cleared myself out 5 hours beforehand, I was forced to drink one last liquid bomb at 5 am. And in telling this to my doctor before I was knocked out for the procedure, I said that I suspected something was going on in there. My colon is like the lazy river at the theme park. I often suspect my body of trying to make butt diamonds.

After a marvelous and speedy sleep and wake up administered by the most kick butt anesthesiologist ever, I was informed that, yes, there’s a reason for my seemingly slower than molasses in the wintertime bowels : I have more guts than normal people. Literally, my innards are lengthier than other people’s which I later found out is called a redundant colon. Just in case, here’s some more exit ramp. Annoying but true.

Then I thought, if you thought me a little more brazen and risk-taking than other people,  I now have actual proof you are right!  I do have more guts than other people. Hahahahahaha ! Proof That I Have More Guts than You on Shalavee.com

After the procedure, as I had announced on social media on my boring long fasting day, I was ready to go eat my predestined cheese steak sub. After some thoughtful discussion, my husband and I decided to take our business to a well established Easton, Maryland eatery in the strip mall that houses the JC Penney and the Kohl’s stores, called Rusticana Pizza. Exactly what I had wanted. The cheese steak submarine was made with care, the fries were soft on the inside and crunchy on the outside as they always are, and I washed it down with a coke over crushed ice. That hit the spot. Mark’s Stromboli was great too. I kept being reminded of the one delicious bite I took by my burps throughout the day. Our waitress has worked there a long time and her dearness just added to my gratitude.

And what I learned too was how I can see fasting as a noble religious practice. It will show you what you are and aren’t made of. I am not the sum of the contents of my belly or my fat cells. I can withstand discomfort and still live. I was glad that it all went well and that the found polyp was benign. Does however guarantee that I’ll be another total colon cleanse years from now. Yeah because who doesn’t need a complete colon reset every once in a while?

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7 Responses to “Proof That I Have More Guts Than You”

  1. Carmwhite says:

    So many songs about long, slow rivers come to mind… At least it isn’t cry me a river and you are in good shape. Congratulations on being gutsy.

  2. Mala Burt says:

    If you got a clean report you shouldn’t have to do it again for many years.

    • Shalagh says:

      Yes and I spoke to a nurse I know who said there’s two kinds of benign polyps. One means not having to go back for 10 years as opposed to 5. Calling them back to find out now.

  3. A redundant colon sounds like an English correction- like you took twice as long to pause. It’s a fabulously irreverent condition to personify. What is the universe trying to say here…you are designed to take more time. I love this so much.

    Another example that we are meant to be perfectly unique individuals. Plus yeah for the ability to fast! Glad you are good to go full steam ahead I n 2017, Shalagh, just take the time you need. OX

  4. So, after my colonoscopy to see why my guts always HURT, the nurse says go home, rest, have a light meal. I have a bowl of Cheerios. Twenty minutes later, diarrhea and pain so bad, husband asks if 911 is needed. Best friend observes that one does not usually GET diarrhea directly after a colonoscopy.
    And THAT is how I found out I am Lactose Intolerant.
    Told my doctor who said in the most offhand manner, “Good. And while you’re at it, cut out wheat and gluten, too.”
    Been five years now, and the couple of times I have fallen off the wagon have been to my great regret.

    xxoo, m & jb

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