I am still engaged in a lifelong battle against my own body. A perpetual hostage of “when I lose weight”. Most of the past three decades has been spent judging my physical self as under par and trying to fix it (This may also have applied to how I felt about my mind too but we’ll stick to the injustice at hand …and belly and… ). I have been in a perpetual battle of disgust with myself and I am so very tired now. I’d like to call a cease fire. There is no fix for this fixed fight and I will always lose. Especially when I’m not losing the weight I keep thinking I should. But, as I said before, “As long as there’s something to “fix”, it implies brokenness. And I do not want to model this for my buxom red-headed daughter. She’ll have to fight it from the world as it is.”
I am the gal who always exercises. My blood pressure is grand because I am what I call Fit Fat. Heart is strong and stamina is there. But I don’t get credit for that from myself. Because I am in a constant state of dismay at my extra 10 pounds. I wouldn’t be considered skinny but I have always tortured myself with that assessment. And so my closet is full of clothing that I will wear“When I” lose that 10 pounds. I will be done and perfect and look good. I will stop bullying myself and finally be kind to myself because I lost the weight.
The problem is that, since I don’t seem to be able to change this about myself, I feel substandard. With my worth perpetually hanging on my crappy opinion, am I doomed to live everyday in disappointment and shame? I’d say yes. I have spoken many times on this subject because apparently, I’m not done with it yet.
I am no longer keeping a constant count of calories on my Fit Buddy app on my phone. I was sure that I’d be losing weight and doing it all perfectly for a week and then my gut would fill up (as it does due to its extra capacity) or bloating from my monthly menstrual cycle. And I am reliving my lifetimes of disappointment and hopelessness and incorporating horror into my basic self-care of eating and living. I am tired of this constant control. I need a vacation I told myself and so now I am on a holiday where my bodily self-loathing is concerned.
I’ve begun to buy clothing that hides a little more while looking sheikh. I’m going back into my closet and yanking the “When I” clothing. If mindful living is about living in the present then I chose this moment in this body as I must because it’s my only choice. Until I’m OK with where I am at this exact moment, I will not move from this spot. Ever.
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7 Comments
This post spoke to me. I’m years older than you and still doing this. I’ve been watching some Brit TV shows and the ordinary people just don’t seem as consumed as Americans about looks. And, by the way, ten pounds over your goal weight does not make you fat! Why do we do this to ourselves?
Yes there’s something creepy about this American perfectionism and it’s deeply rooted. It’s self-bullying and oppressive. Thank you for your acknowledgement Mala.
I’ve begun exercising in earnest and returned to eating the way that makes my body feel good. I have a note on my calendar at the end of this month that says “clothes try on day”. Like you, I have those when I lose weight clothes, and at the end of this month, anything that doesn’t fit is going out the door, whether I’ve worn it or not. I’ve decided I don’t want to be at war with my body or the scale anymore and while I am significantly overweight, I’ve decided to become an ally to my body so we can both feel betterfor the long haul.
The fact is not the feeling. I am so glad to hear you are trusting yourself. I am doing much the same. I eat well. I exercise regularly. My body is stubborn as me. But I feel good. I’m goi g into my closet today and chucking things in your honor Karen!
This is me. We are having the same exact battle with the same exact thoughts. It’s so hard. I loved this.. Until I’m OK with where I am at this exact moment, I will not move from this spot. Ever…..Yes!! I think I finally came to this conclusion a couple of years ago. And I have days where I accept my body and almost like it. But there are still days that My Fitness Pal and the temporary fix that would provide is very tempting. Anyway, I am sorry that I haven’t visited your blog more often. I love the way you write and we are so similar. ❤
I am just very glad you did today Ashley. Because I need to hear you say that too. Me and my “Fit buddy” unfriended for the Summer. Maybe I don’t have to love my body here but I don’t want to be in hate with it either. Much love and compassion to us both.
I am so glad you did visit today Ashley because I needed to hear you say this too. Me and my “fit buddy” broke up for the Summer. I don’t need to be in love with my body now but I don’t want to feel perpetually angry and mean about it. Sending love and compassion to both of us.
Love,
Shalagh