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Monkey Mind

I worked through a bout of plummeting self-esteem today. I’d reached out to someone to connect but they truly didn’t have the time. I wasn’t going to be an asset to their life. And when I came away empty-handed, I sorta spun out. Why had I even risked the ask for the rejection. I was hoping to have a connection, perhaps some help. Now there was nothing. I felt embarrassed and shaken. I know I have something to give but they don’t. I was cool but it was weird.

To combat the sudden bad feelings, I went upstairs and got to work on the next piece for my floral design project, multiple pieces for a Christmas house-tour. I listened to myself as I worked. Maybe I want the legitimacy or the validation of the collaboration with people who are already doing something. But I don’t really need other people to confirm my work for it to be truly valuable. Just as I don’t need my writing published to know it’s good. Or to sell artwork to be an artist.These would be nice but aren’t necessary.Monkey mind on shalavee.com

For fifteen minutes I heard my inner voice as it swerved and careened around and headed straight into “I can’t do any of this”. Then it climbed up on top of  “I can do anything I decide I can do.” I was almost amused as I heard my esteem bouncing up and down. The brain is spastic and fickle like the monkey mind analogy. I am what I decide I am until I decide differently. Why not decide on the side of capability. That I am an island I am still exploring instead of a small craft in a stormy sea.

Thankfully, I am just self-aware enough that I stood there with those wiggly weird feelings. I allowed them to be there and I watched them roll out and around and back in. I kept working on my floral designs and my sad furtive feelings gradually receded. I had not overreacted. I’d allowed them their time. And I’d been wise enough to recognize that. Hope this gives you permission to do the same.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Blogging For Self-Esteem

My husband has an event lighting company and we were at a wedding vendor ‘meet and greet’ recently. He introduced me to a professional woman who spoke about her event venue very seriously and pragmatically. And as the subject turned to social media, maybe I mentioned my blog, I spoke of how I’d entered into the social media world having no idea what it was about, mostly dreading it. And that I was surprised to find my self-esteem had bloomed through its use. And her stoic face spread in a smile and she said, “Good for you.” It was an unexpected response and that’s why I valued it. Because she knew the value of adding to one’s self-esteem. And I liked her.

See there’s a lot of us “older generation” who’ve resisted this social media “trend”. We’ve needed to be beaten over the head to consider our use of  social media. It was “new fangled” and we never even had a problem with rotary dial phones. But some of us had to concede to its use as necessary. I had a blog that needed promoting. Some others have books or personal causes that need exposure and support by sharing. But those are truly small whys compared to the bigger benefit. When you are on social media, community is almost inevitable.

===Fear Fears Community”===

— Jon Acuff —

We are community oriented beings. We get a sense of worth and gratitude and grounding when we are in a community. All of my life, I had never truly felt a part of one or maybe I didn’t believe I was deserving of one. And I totally did not expect to find mine online ! Yet it turns out there are so many like-minded people all over the world and if you speak honestly and from your soul-truth, you’ll bump right into them.

I’m loud and talkative when you meet me but I wasn’t like that online at first. So when I got a little less shy and began to ask questions and comment and speak up, I became a student of socialization. I saw that most people were nice to you and would respond. I saw that if you were truly kind to people they appreciated it. And I saw that the only way to have a friend was to be one.

cobalt door in Annapolis for Blogging for self-esteem post on Shalavee.com

And the gift I received in return was the knowledge that I have value and am worthy just because I’m here. Because I’m nice and have valuable points and views to add to the world. The people who aren’t invested in me, who aren’t my blood or need something from me, but have willingly given me validation, support, and kudos? They have been the blessing to my self-esteem and pulled me up off the ground. Them and a good therapist have taken me from a 4 to a 7 on the self-rating scale of self-esteem.

I’m at a place now where I’m ready to step out a bit more. I’d like to continue to inspire and spread kindness and support. If there’s a cause I should know and lend my support to, let me know. If there’s a question I can answer, ask. If there’s a community I can create or a service I can provide, I’d love to hear about it. I am stacking my aspirations up and next year promises to be an even better one. Thank you for reading dear people.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Perhaps It’s Permission Not Purpose You Seek

For my first couple of years as a blogger, I was barraged with information about what the career online people, including bloggers, were doing. They had goals and purpose. They had widgets and conferences. They had tribes and elevator speeches. And I said “Me Too”. Being a “make it my way” kinda gal didn’t make that feel any easier either.

I was wowed when there were e-courses and email subscriptions I could pay for to beef me and my online stuff up. Build platforms to shout out my purposeful branded stand. So I could be in the ocean and swim with the big fish.

I did enroll in a few courses and enjoyed a few educational tools. But I was still overwhelmed and continually unfulfilled. And as I looked at another e-course last year around the Holidays knowing we didn’t have the money, I said “Stop” ! There’s something up here.Drawing with Daddy on Shalavee.com

What was I really looking for ?” I asked myself. Because while I said I wanted to “find myself” , I suspected what I really wanted was someone to tell me what I was good at and to spell my life out for me. Tell me what to do. And that probably isn’t going to happen ever from anyone online or off. It’s not up to “them” to find your purpose out for you and then dissuade you from taking their course. You need to dig deep and decide what you truly need to discover. If you discover that what they’re offering is the exact final piece to your puzzle, well then have at it. My gut told me that wasn’t happening with this course or any other then or ever.butter buliding with Eamon on Shalavee.com

Seems my life has been more about proving what I’m not than finding out what I am. So much energy spent reacting to others and seeking approval from others that I never truly knew myself. And I further suspect that, until I have permission to do so, I’m not allowed to find a purpose. And I suspect that this may be a problem many other women experience.

If we are raised by a society that asks us to be caretakers then we may completely dismiss our own desires as unpurposeful. Figuring out who we want to be may be the first thing we blow off in figuring out our life goals. This sounds selfish, superfluous, and silly because we don’t have permission to consider this. If we’re “good girls”, we do as we’re told and care-take the people with more reasonable purposes and dreams (our husbands). Or we care-take our helpless loved ones (our babies and our elders). Not that those aren’t noble purposes, they just might not have been chosen by us intentionally. 

So then considering ones life’s purpose and goals is like jumping the shark.  It makes no sense within the context of what we and our clans may expect of us. And if we do choose to head there and away from these expectations, we may need a lot of support and positive mirroring and permission to even consider this a possibility.Architecture with butter on SHalavee.com

I can tell you that I’ve felt rather like a blind bird flailing about in a dark cage. As if I’m searching for the opening by using the Force. My intuition and what others have to say are often my guides to changing some of my first beliefs about myself from “Not enough” and “Can’t” to Talented Girl with Purposeful Possibilities ahead. And that this process of establishing purpose and identity takes as long as it takes. One step at a time.

If you missed it, I sussed out my Why in this recent post. And I think your Why is interchangeable with your Purpose. So what’s yours? And is the method by which you’re achieving it satisfactory or frustrating? And is that because you are asking the wrong job to fulfill that purpose? And what if I had the power to tell yourself you could do what you really wanted to, what would you say/feel then?

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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