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I Am Sick Of My Story

Oh I know I have oft pondered and excitedly spoken of storytelling. I admire the power the voice gives us to do and be what we are, what we want to be. Our story is our perception and our map of ourselves and our lives. And it can be our undoing as well.

Whatever you say you are, you are. What you choose to do and think becomes what you live. But what if the story you tell is starting to get on your nerves? Have I told you this before? Sit tight because here it comes again.

There are certain stories that I’m telling myself these days that I am sick of telling.

I dislike telling stories of how I can’t.

we were all yellow from Shalavee.com

Recently, I heard myself repeating my story how I couldn’t make the time to clean my disgusting kitchen floor. Until I finally heard myself tell this same story out loud to my mother-in-law and then I was done with telling it. You best believe I found the time and a way to be toddler free just long enough to mop that floor quicky quick.

I don’t want to model this unempowered behavior to my children. I want them to see anything as possible and that it’s a matter of just concertedly planning life out and taking the opportunity to do something, anything else when that opportunity arises.

flowers on the mantel

These days, I’m trying to tackle my to-dos even before they get on my to do list and then get on my nerves by hanging out there a beat too long. But prioritizing chores sometimes means that some tasks continually get put off. These waylayed chores are like that broken umbrella in the hallway that’s been there since March, my can’t stories develop the same invisible force-field. You see the umbrella sit in the same spot and somehow you are unable to reach over and grab it and throw it out. My dirty kitchen floor was under a similar can’t spell.

I’m declaring war on the incomplete projects, the tasks that keep being put off, the unnerving I can’ts. I no longer want to hear them being uttered from my mouth. I’m almost irritated at the thought of them. Maybe I can’t now but then when? I have zero tolerance for the martyr that I’ve been. Giving your power away to excuses and powerlessness is a boring story and I’m tired of giving a precious commodity away to anyone who will listen. Especially when they say, OK whatever. You’re just telling them to re-justify your Can’t and they’re kind enough not to blow your cover.

Fiona in the crusty stairwell on Shalavee.com

Allow me to out myself on a couple of my other can’t sore spots. My garden has reached such tragic proportions in my pitydom, I no longer want to tell that story. I desperately needed to just ask for help from anyone and everyone. And my two friends are swooping in to help me and my garden pity party out. Hooray! Rewriting that one is feeling like hope.

Some other sick of my can’t stories include the Etsy shop I keep putting off opening. The shelves at the top of the garage steps that remain a mess. The drawers/shelves/closets anywhere in my house because it’s Spring. And the inside of the truck which is disgusting. But the hallway that has remained undecorated for several years is a sad and bad little pocket of mental puss for me. In an email comment I made to Kathleen of Braid Creative, she spoke of weird spaces in one’s house and this is what I responded with,

Kathleen,    

    The weird spaces piece got me thinking. I really believe this is absolutely true. My entryway/hallway is wounded. I began to reinvent it but have not finished the vision. And the same is exactly true for me. After taking the Braid Branding course, I am still working to see myself as a new entity, artist, entrepreneur, and creative and writer with a “career”. It’s becoming clearer as I work hard to raise my esteem and create projects I like and make connections.

    So my feeling is I need to do something with the entryway even if it’s wrong. Add color and sparkle until a clearer vision comes. Because it’ll never be exact, it’ll always be a work in progress.

    Thanks Kathleen for this thought parallel.
Love it.
Shalagh”
I wrote this at the end of July of last year. The lack of hall decorating direction is a direct reflection of how I’m feeling internally. The indecision matches the indecision. So I am setting an intention that the hallway needs a makeover before a year anniversary for my outing myself comes around.

me and a flag on Shalavee.com

And the blog here. Let’s not forget that I’ve wanted to redo this space for so long but I’ve been waiting for clarity on who I am and what the heck I’m doing. I believe I’m closer to telling you how that one actually turns out.

I know this too. If I finally mustered the energy to redecorate Fiona’s room and overcame that block than I’m darn sure I can move the same energy onto other places in my house, life, and head. I am committed to stopping myself from telling this story that I’ve become sick of telling: That I can’t. I want to hear “I Can”, whether it’s true for today or for next week, I want to believe I Can. And  I want to live the hope that this bad/sad story of can’ts shall pass and be replaced with the hopefulness that I deserve to feel because everyone deserves hope.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Five Things in April 2015

When I start to feel like I have a lot, good or bad, in my brain, I remember my friend Lauren’s trick to round-up my thoughts. So I am naming Five Things that have happened or been in my head of late. There’s more but this is good enough.new running shoes on Shalavee.com

– I recently went shopping and bought new running shoes. It may have been way past time to get the shoes as the left shin pain may have indicated. The shopping also won Eamon some new underwear and socks and Fiona some new short sleeve shirts. But frankly Eamon would never complain that his underwear were gray. Shopping to take care of your needs and not to distract you from your woes is a noble endeavor indeed.

– I know that I am addicted to chaos. It was how I grew up and it has taken me this lifetime to understand that you can continue doing and creating what you know and are comfortable with even if it’s bad for you. Because you don’t know that there’s a possibility to do it another way. Toxic relationships, disappointing jobs, failed friendships. Patterns emerge if you are willing to stare at your life long enough to see them. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it so you might as well get on with the recreation.workshop award on five things for April 2015 on Shalavee.com

I taught a blogging workshop this month. It was a really great thing and I wanted to disregard it or deflate it or do something sabatogey to it. Seems not giving myself credit is also something I’m used to doing. I didn’t really know how to feel about this accomplishment. And then I got a rejection letter for a writing submission. And when my email blew up, I wanted to interpret all this chaos as my further proof of my unworthiness but my therapist and friends wouldn’t let me. So I won’t let me either.

– I put a plea out on Instagram for support for my wobbly brain. This would also mark the first time I ever stopped and loudly asked for people’s support. Maybe partially because I knew there were people reading who would give me that support. But also because I no longer feel defensive about people’s advice but receptive to their intentions of kindness. Remembering that it is also gracious to thank people as this gesture makes them feel good too. And this leads me to my last thought of the five.toddlers and sushi on Shalavee.com

– Emergence, inner peace, capability, and affirmation are some of the words in my mind today. Seems according to Eric Ericson’s stages of development, I’m at the middle age stage of 35yrs – 55 or 65yrs, “…working to establish stability” and hard at work on “generativity – attempting to produce something that makes a difference to society. (Inactivity and meaninglessness are common during this stage.)” And what I discovered this week is that a person’s purpose can be to inspire others and make them feel good. To follow my path loudly and share with others is, in and of itself, a noble purpose as it may help to give others permission to do what they need to do as well. You can count that as done because I don’t know that I want to stop.

So follow along as I continue my somewhat meandering journey and living stream of consciousness into everything and anything that I am thinking and doing to continue my journey of purpose. Except for my husband and my people on Instagram, You’ll be the first to know.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Boo Hoo Yahoo : Email Snaffu

Sunday morning, poking at emails, and my Yahoo email account abruptly shuts down. I panic. I acknowledge that the powers that be are keeping me”safe” from online threats. In fact, the last time this happened, Japan was trying to hack into my email. But this time, there was no good reason.

What ensues is me being upset because now I want to control it back into working. And in trying to jump through hoops and regain access through my husband’s login to larger Verizon accounts, we find that I have just probably locked myself out for 12 to 24 hours from my own email account. On a Sunday. Offices open 8 am Pacific Standard time on Monday, the day this post is publishing. Eamon and Fiona on the swing on Shalavee.com

We call this email snaffu an opportunity to grow moment. See AFGO article. I wasn’t really planning to do anything with my email anyway today. I was going to create stuff. My fury and aggravation was rerouted toward an inanimate object. And my children wanted my attention. Technology keeps sucker punching me. Lest we forget the Big Kahuna of Computer snaffus. It’s a good one.

I’m upset that I’m upset. How silly, right? I wasn’t planning to do emailing anyway. But now I really have no choice. And those children just needed to sit and cuddle with me so badly this morning. They don’t know what’s going on. They’ll take my hostility and frustration personally. And that’s just not worth it. So I sat and cuddled with both of them until they were done.

Swinging your sister on Shalavee.com

I don’t like being made to feel helpless and human. I similarly realized my fallibility when I was balancing the checkbook the other day. Resignation that I am no bookkeeper and go ahead and deduct $150 and move on. It’s not personal. I received another rejection letter for an article submission. As much as I want to make it about me being less than, this has nothing to do with my worth as human being. But this computer stuff always shoves me to my knees.

I detest being reliant on something that is prone to go wonky especially due to my ignorance. In this case, just universal happenstance. Nothing personal. But it feels personal when it happens to you. And you know that the way your day will play out depends on how you frame the experience. I copied the Yahoo help contact phone numbers and walked my children to the car to go see their Grammy. Watering the garden on Shalavee.com

I write this as a catharsis but also as a reminder. Something a wise bartender told my husband after his divorce. You will experience a shift he said. At first all women will be evil. Then one woman will be evil. Then women will be a necessary evil. So it goes with technology. All technology is evil. One technology is evil. Technology is a necessary evil. The motherboards and circuits and plastic bits aren’t trying to make you feel anything. So it’s up to you to not interpret as such. And then to find a way to help yourself out of the predicament you’re in. I’ve delivered my computer towers to people. I’ve had tech people come to my house. And I’ve talked to plenty of kind IT guys on the phone. And when I endeavored to persevere, I always came out with a solution. So I will with my yahoo mail snaffu as well. I will just have to wait until tomorrow after 9 am to do so.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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