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Money Matters

I struggle and shuffle stuff around in my head to make sense of my money thoughts. I’ve perused Susie Ormand books. I’ve listened to podcasts and pinned books and talked about it with my husband and my therapist. I just don’t have a very good relationship with my money thoughts. And that’s a problem.

In the past, money was the source of fights with my ex. I made it and he spent it. I did a really good job bailing myself out of debt after that marriage to buy my house. I had worked hard for a good credit score and we got the house because of it. But 14 years in this dilapidated house, two new businesses, fixed roofs and appliances, a surprise hospital visit while uninsured, and two babies later and we’ve definitely hit a monetary wall. We spent more than we made and our debt scared me.

There is such a lack of abundance hangover in our American society. It manifests as an obsession of more for less. A friend pointed out to me that getting more of any thing, be it clothes or makeup or stuff, doesn’t equate to more happiness. It’s as if this never enough mentality is our birth right. Never skinny enough, slept enough, appreciated enough, or have time enough. It’s a perpetual spinning cycle of not enoughness. No one sees what they really have, their family or good health, as something to be grateful for.

“Not-enoughness certainly shows up in our money relationships — but it goes deeper than that. It’s a mindset. A way of being founded in the illusion of deprivation, instead of in the reality of provision, gratitude, and sufficiency in the here-and-now. Enoughness is not a static accomplishment: it lives and breathes in you.”  Bari Tessler from her brilliant post It’s Never Just About the Money , and excerpt from her The Art of Money book.Money Matters on Shalavee.com

This is basic primal stuff. Well known psychologist Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory says you can not grow when your primary needs of food and shelter are not met. Homeless and hungry is not a good thing for your psyche and you won’t feel good about yourself to be able to contribute what you have to give. There are many psychological nuances at play around money and it’s power over self-worth even when you seemingly have enough. Self-worth and love has become entangled in my money mind and it’s messing me up.

As a kid, I experienced my mom’s shame around a bout with unemployment and receiving government funds and that felt like shame and less-than-ness. I am always subconsciously fearful of being there again so I keep my credit scores good by making timely payments. I try to pay a little over my credit card minimums. But I act richer than I am. Not wanting to be caught with yellowing underwear or needing the flea meds for the cats, I bought those on credit. Mark’s business needed time to stand by itself. Perhaps , as Bari Tessler suggests, this is not about money at all but our perception of enough.Money Matters on Shalavee.com

We can easily spend more than we make. With one income and 4 people with needs, sometimes you just can’t say no. A gift from a family member alleviated some of our worries for paying our taxes and provided a needed reprieve during a very stressful time when Mark lost his Dad. But this is still a very weighty subject for me. I’m not earning anything and that makes me feel less-than. Even though I do my job well, it’s a non-paying job.

My major problem is that I just don’t know how to be OK with money thoughts.

My major problem is that I just don’t know how to be OK with money thoughts. There’s anxiety and love struggles buried under there. I’m so disassociated from monetary abundance thoughts that I recognize it as a downfall. A personal fault. A retardation of a sort. I also know that if I’m going to be writing and asking for money, the money problems are going to block me from the writing. And that’s the biggest problem of all. When money fears impede with artistic expression and growth, I need an intervention.

I am gathering my materials and my thoughts and I also need to gather a support group I suppose. If you have any references to suggest, please share. If you have had any similar set backs, I’d love to hear your stories. I work hard to keep it all organized, balance the checkbooks immediately when the statement comes in, and try to make a budget for us. But I think that’s all superficial, that the relationship I have with money and success is where my work lies. Seeing it as energy/permission and not cash/greed/stuff may be the direction I need to head in. And appreciating what I have. Cheryl Crow  sings,  “It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Awaiting the Shift from If to When

It occurred to me as I was tossing my second load of laundry into the dryer today that I had made a significant shift from if to when. Having stayed on the blog, on writing, on the path to a future in writing that I dared not whisper intentions for, I had finally journeyed through a door. I had claimed just enough of who I was and what I do to start thinking about my when.

Which when am I speaking of? When I get an article or my book published perhaps. When I’ll speak at my first conference. When I’ll feel the righteousness of my purpose rock my to the soles of my boots and bring me more purpose. The faith will come if you stay in view of where it comes from. The fountainhead is continuous honest work. Integrity and openness run that portal’s opening. And I am not questioning the methods. I’m just awaiting the signs of the shift. And thinking I may already be standing in it.stages of change on Shalavee.com

I had another flash the other night as I was giving Fiona a bath. Suddenly I heard the word “SUBMIT” . And I let out a laugh because my dear friend had put this action back on my plate at a recent lunch. She said please please submit your work. It needs publishing. It’s every bit as good as everyone else out there. And I agreed. My accountability is now in place. And as I’ve been able to toy with the if/when for myself, so many good excuses for not making that effort again, I have now promised my friend.

So the loud “SUBMIT” was also me telling myself to give over to the process and shove the fear out of the way. Or submit to the fear and do it anyway. Either way, it’s a concession, an acceptance that the wall remains and can not be wished away so I need to work around it. It smacks of some true effort and yet I must submit, both to the difficulty and to the publications.

My husband and I joke that the hardest part about making the decision is making the decision. Decision making processes are laborious silly things that look something like this. stages of change on Shalavee.com

stages of change on Shalavee.comstages of change on Shalavee.com

 

The turning can take time. And yet I am sure if you do not submit to being where you are now, you will be doomed to stay right where you are the rest of your days. So I’ve laid off the extra shots of judgement and replacing them with compassion in the hope that this is how I will move on to the next inevitable place. That place I’m already feeling the “When” of.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Hallelujah it’s Halloween 2016

And lastly, Halloween wraps up my month straight of posts in October, 2016. I used to really celebrate this holiday when I was younger. Even way into my 30’s, Mark and I had a great time dressed as a pirate and his cabin boy. And a pimento loaf and cheese sandwich. Kids came and its now all about them and their fun and costumes. I made sure I decorated this year 4 days ahead to make it real and Fiona babbled with excitement when she got home and saw the decorations.halloween-at-turnbridge-point on Halloween 2016 on Shalavee.com

fiona-and-juliet-at-the-trunk-or-treat

In a wonderful article by fellow blogger Rae Ritchie here called “Forget Bah Pumpkin! Hallowe’en is just a handy excuse for life’s good stuff”, she gives a fabulous reflection of how this holiday is being embraced in Britain, previously skeptical of a holiday which seemed so American (or is it Irish?). And she insists that this holiday kicks butt because of three factors. For her it’s friendship, time to hang out and play with friends. For us it’s Family time. I so agree with her that it’s also Community involved fun. People get to dress up their houses and then visit one another. And thirdly, it’s creative as heck. From those house decorations to costumes, it’s fun to make stuff and be whacky with décor you’d otherwise be worried about being perfect.Halloween 2016 on Shalavee.com

bonfire-boo on Halloween 2016 on Shalavee.com

We try to carve pumpkins close enough to Halloween so that they won’t rot. And then on the night, after trick or treating we usually have grilled cheese, potato chips, and tomato soup for dinner and watch a scary movie. This year’s trick or treating night date however is on a Monday which is a school night. So we may enjoy our TV frightfest on Sunday night. Saturday night we did a bonfire/fire pit and I think that may become a part of the holiday traditions when the weather permits. So much fun opportunities this holiday provides.

Halloween 2016 on Shalavee.com

A Search for Halloween on the blog gave me this for 2012. This for 2013. And this for 2015. Soon to be 2016 under our belt. I might have fought the decorating a bit. And Eamon didn’t decide what he wanted to be until two days prior. But darn it, we had fun and played and created. Community and family and creativity and friendship was what Rae Ritchie said it was all about and I would agree! Happy Halloween!!!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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